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Advice on ERP/Constant anxiety


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Hi everyone, 

I’ve been more proactive lately with reading and listening to scripts/news artcles around one of my latest themes about a fear of being killed at home in the night.

So far i’ve also managed to do this whilst leaving a window at the back of my house open & an internal “patio” door unlocked for the last week. 

The problem is i’ve now had 3 nights of very little sleep because my anxiety is so high. After a horrid night, this morning i am pleased i still got myself to work but my jobs pretty demanding so i’m begining to question myself about if i’m making myself worse. 

My emotions are up and down from moment to moment, sometimes i’m on the verge of tears, then i pull myself back... i’m really trying to carry on inspite of how terrible i feel. 

As I’ve seen someone else say, intrusive thoughts are hitting me constantly about everything right now it seems, but I’m trying to just agree with them, instead of arguing and actively tell myself yes all these terrible thoughts are true. 

I’m concious this may be reassurance seeking but does what i’m doing sound about right?

ocd is saying i can’t win whatever i do, (if i write this it is reassurance seeking, if i don’t write it i’m risking getting it wrong or denying myself some support). ?

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12 minutes ago, OB1 said:

I’ve been more proactive lately with reading and listening to scripts/news artcles around one of my latest themes about a fear of being killed at home in the night.

So far i’ve also managed to do this whilst leaving a window at the back of my house open & an internal “patio” door unlocked for the last week. 

The problem is i’ve now had 3 nights of very little sleep because my anxiety is so high. After a horrid night, this morning i am pleased i still got myself to work but my jobs pretty demanding so i’m begining to question myself about if i’m making myself worse. 

Just thinking. Maybe i need to do this in a more graded way although my cbt therapist is supportive of what i’m doing. 

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You're definitely going about things the right way.

I can see why the sleep thing is an issue. So long as your therapist thinks you're doing okay, I'd stick with it, with the obvious caveat of keeping an eye on your general well-being. If the sleep isn't showing signs of improving, then I'd bring that up with them and you can work out where to go from there. But hopefully it'll work itself out as the anxiety begins to lose it's strength.

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Thanks Chris, I've got something to help me sleep so will take it tonight as I need some.  This is always the pinch point for me, my anxiety stops me sleeping, it's almost like OCD is just not letting me help myself.

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Hi OB1,

I had a very similar fear to this until a few years ago and I can really identify with this.  A bit like you, I put myself through an intensive period of ERP. It sounds like you're doing everything the right way.  I found this fear went away pretty quickly after doing ERP for a few weeks - and now it rarely ever bothers me at all.  So hang in there.  Just be careful at night that you're not doing subtle compulsions such as reassuring yourself, or listening out for noises.  I tried sleeping with earplugs and an eye mask to stop myself from being able to do this.  But I reckon if you jsut carry on doing what you're doing, your anxiety will fade rapidly and you will sleep amazingly well after that :) 

All the best

GBG

Edited by gingerbreadgirl
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14 hours ago, gingerbreadgirl said:

Hi OB1,

I had a very similar fear to this until a few years ago and I can really identify with this.  A bit like you, I put myself through an intensive period of ERP. It sounds like you're doing everything the right way.  I found this fear went away pretty quickly after doing ERP for a few weeks - and now it rarely ever bothers me at all.  So hang in there.  Just be careful at night that you're not doing subtle compulsions such as reassuring yourself, or listening out for noises.  I tried sleeping with earplugs and an eye mask to stop myself from being able to do this.  But I reckon if you jsut carry on doing what you're doing, your anxiety will fade rapidly and you will sleep amazingly well after that :) 

All the best

GBG

Thank you gbg, thats very helpful to me. I’m sorry you had this to but its comforting to know i’m not alone. 

I like your idea of earplugs, i find its virtually impossible not to listen for sounds or engage when i hear something. This is where ptsd comes in i think as i caught someone breaking into my house years ago and have also been seriously assaulted on a seperate ocassion.  I’ve also moved into this house recently and i have a really horrible neighbour a few doors down and he’s triggered me when he shouts (not at me at his dog). 

This theme has come and gone many times but i’m determined to undermine it.

The stupid thing is i was wearing earplugs earlier this year before this bothered me (i guess thats focused exposure for you). 

Thank you again ?

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hi everyone

I thought I'd update on how things are getting on. 

So I've been listening to my script about someone breaking in and being murdered in bed now for almost a month and my anxiety has definitely come down quite a bit, I'm actually nodding off when I listen to it!!  That's got to be progress!

Sleep wise I've still been up and down, some nights better than others.  Last night was very bad as I was triggered by the guy down the road shouting at 1130 at night.  My anxiety went through the roof and didn't budge.  Today I've phoned in sick because I just want to give myself a break (trying not to beat myself up about this).

I'm having lot's of thoughts about someone discovering my scripts which are pretty graphic and anyone reading them may judge me badly and that also leads back to my fear of being murdered in bed (typical OCD :().  I'm resisting urges to check around that, for example I write a lot of stuff down on paper and then bin it after ripping it up, I then get very anxious about putting it out in the bin in case someone goes through my rubbish.  I have mental checking compulsions around that with images of my rubbish being blown about and someone picking it up or the horrible neighbour searching through my rubbish bag. 

The good news is I am managing to keep going with normal tasks like painting my house, going out for walks with friends and working but there's a constant nagging feeling of SOMETHING BAD IS GOING TO HAPPEN.  This is the bit that sucks me back in!   

As for my mental wellbeing I've been more emotional than normal and am finding it difficult to feel positive and there's a lot going on in my head which is all over the place sometimes, more than I'd prefer so I've decided to see my doctor and talk about going back on the meds for a bit because I'm also concerned about depression creeping in.  I'm starting EMDR in a few weeks time too which is going to be a challenge (my therapist thinks this could really help me with my fears of being attacked), I really hope so. 

Thinking about going back on the meds is tempting me to beat myself up and part of my worries is that it's a compulsion of sorts.  I keep having mental arguments about taking meds again telling myself I'll be ok and sometimes I really feel like I don't need to but when I have bad nights like last night it makes me think I need to have that support on that side of things arrggh!! :blush:

I hope everyone had a good weekend and as ever thanks for reading.

 

 

   

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Okay, look. You are getting there. Congrats. If you are bored with the script, here's what you do.... Take a pair of scissors and cut it up into little pieces. Throw them in the bin and announce, I'm done with you! It's both practical and symbolic. You are casting away that which bothered you. Then move on to something else.

Edited by PolarBear
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