Jump to content

Some advice - cleaning and germs


Recommended Posts

Hi all,

Over the last several months I have developed a big preoccupation with germs and contamination, particularly how they travel from one thing to another.

I have never been particularly bothered by cleanliness until recently.  I've always been laid back about it (some might say a slob haha :) ) - but it has now become a thing and although I know it's total rubbish, my OCD didn't get the memo.

It isn't helped by the fact that my partner has contamination issues of her own and always has done.  She has been really good trying not to let it rub off on me.  But nonetheless it does.  I have started avoiding doing household tasks that seem "germy" or if I do, worrying excessively about them.  I often confess to "unclean" things I've done (e.g. I brushed against XYZ which had touched the bin or whatever.)  And if I resist the urge to confess I end up cleaning things with antibacterial wipes.  I am overwhelmed by guilt if I do something you could consider unclean, like touch the kitchen bin or whatever. (Which I know is insane, btw!)

I must stress that I don't believe germs are a risk, in fact I think people are way overclean these days.  I think my partner's concerns about this are insane and I tell her often - it's one of the biggest things we argue about. But what I rationally believe isn't what I feel a lot of the time.  

I have tried to do ERP around this but what really holds me back is the knowledge that my partner would hate me doing it (and I know she would, even though she keeps it to herself for my sake).  So I'll try touch something "dirty" but my guilt overwhelms me and I end up cleaning everything I've touched,  or if I can't then I confess. 

My partner repeatedly tells me not to confess, she tells me I have to do things the way I always did them before and leave her out of the equation.  But I struggle nonetheless because I know she hates it deep down, and there's a big difference between doing something unthinkingly (like before) and doing it on purpose.

I just wondered if anyone has any advice.  Should I just go ahead and do things as I did them before, even if my partner would really hate it? Should I do things and not mention them? 

 

Edited by gingerbreadgirl
Link to comment
  • Replies 78
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

You know the answer to your own question. You know what your compulsions are. You know they are wrong. 

Stop the compulsions. Do some ERP but stop the confessing. What your partner doesn't know won't hurt her.

Link to comment

Hi GBG. 

That urge to confess is a common compulsion with other themes for you, I recall. 

I observe contamination OCD issues here, but am not a sufferer. And a common OCD reinforcement of the theme is a concocted chain of links passing the contamination on and on until it might be considered to cause hurt or damage. 

I have used the italics to highlight areas maybe to work on anyway. 

Have to leave to others to tie in how to react re your partner, don't have any forthcoming ideas re that. 

 

Edited by taurean
Link to comment

Hey gbg

Sounds a bit more like you have responsibility ocd as opposed to an issue with germs/cleanliness. Because of your partners worries you feel the need to confess to her if you have, as you say, brushed along xyz. Your partner means the world to you and you feel like maybe you aren't 'being honest' if you don't tell her the small details. 

Your partner has asked you not to confess and so I would go with that. What would make you and your partner most happy? I think it would be you carrying on as normal, touching bins xyz (normal everyday things) and not confessing anything as it's not a big issue at all but I guess if you confess things it perhaps magnifies everything and brings it to your partners attention. 

Hope that makes sense x

Link to comment

Hi GBG

 I have sympathy as I suffer a bit from the germs travelling from place to place, but the way to stop it being such an issue in your mind is stopping the compulsions - in this case cleaning everything you touch. I tend to be quite blasé about most 'germs' but very uptight around a certain few.

 you also need to stop the confessing , its a compulsion and will only lead to you doing more of it. -your partner is right keep her out the equation. again I sympathise again as this is one of my biggest compulsions but its a slippery slope. 

There is another similarity which I have just realised - my wife has issues around germs - mainly raw meat or anything that may lead to food poisoning and I tend to talk her through how I have handled certain foodstuffs to put her mind at rest etc, which I have realised I need to stop doing as its bad for us both - me confessing and her given re-assurance ( though she doesn't have OCD she has emetophobia)

 

Edited by Avo
Link to comment
37 minutes ago, Saz said:

Hey gbg

Sounds a bit more like you have responsibility ocd as opposed to an issue with germs/cleanliness. Because of your partners worries you feel the need to confess to her if you have, as you say, brushed along xyz. Your partner means the world to you and you feel like maybe you aren't 'being honest' if you don't tell her the small details. 

Your partner has asked you not to confess and so I would go with that. What would make you and your partner most happy? I think it would be you carrying on as normal, touching bins xyz (normal everyday things) and not confessing anything as it's not a big issue at all but I guess if you confess things it perhaps magnifies everything and brings it to your partners attention. 

Hope that makes sense x

Hi Saz,

It does make total sense and I think you have hit the nail on the head (again) - it isn't really to do with germs but worrying about being dishonest.  That's exactly it. And by confessing it I am turning it into an issue it wouldn't be otherwise.

I will try very hard to stop doing this. 

Hope you are OK xx

Link to comment
38 minutes ago, Avo said:

Hi GBG

 I have sympathy as I suffer a bit from the germs travelling from place to place, but the way to stop it being such an issue in your mind is stopping the compulsions - in this case cleaning everything you touch. I tend to be quite blasé about most 'germs' but very uptight around a certain few.

 you also need to stop the confessing , its a compulsion and will only lead to you doing more of it. -your partner is right keep her out the equation. again I sympathise again as this is one of my biggest compulsions but its a slippery slope. 

There is another similarity which I have just realised - my wife has issues around germs - mainly raw meat or anything that may lead to food poisoning and I tend to talk her through how I have handled certain foodstuffs to put her mind at rest etc, which I have realised I need to stop doing as its bad for us both - me confessing and her given re-assurance ( though she doesn't have OCD she has emetophobia)

 

Hi Avo,

Thanks for your advice, you are spot on.  The confessing is a dangerous slippery slope.  I just gave in and confessed something now about me accidentally touching the tap and I felt better for about two seconds and now I feel worse.  Every time I confess to one of these things my partner can't help reacting like it's a bad thing (she really tries hard not to) but this just reinforces the whole obsession in my mind.  I must stop confessing! 

It is good that you have had the realisation about reassuring your wife - maybe it will be a good thing for both of you to try and cut back on doing that.  It is difficult when both of you have a mental health problem around a similar subject.  My partner doesn't have OCD (well that is open to debate in my mind) but she definitely has a severe worry around contamination and that makes it difficult for both of us. 

Thanks again, hope you're OK x

Link to comment
22 minutes ago, gingerbreadgirl said:

Hi Saz,

It does make total sense and I think you have hit the nail on the head (again) - it isn't really to do with germs but worrying about being dishonest.  That's exactly it. And by confessing it I am turning it into an issue it wouldn't be otherwise.

I will try very hard to stop doing this. 

Hope you are OK xx

No problem. Glad I can sometimes help even just a little. x

Link to comment

You have to be really careful not to over complicate things gbg :yes: I think several things are going on here, you do to a certain degree even if you don’t actually want to believe it that there is a risk re the germs otherwise you wouldn’t go around cleaning everything you’ve touched. Also I think it falls into the responsibility OCD too, you fear feeling responsible for your partner if anything did come of it because you didn’t do it and to you this would feel like neglect and that your a bad person and it’s all your fault. I also think to a certain degree you feel better if you tell her because then you can let go of the feelings of total responsibility around these issues especially knowing how she feels regarding cleanliness. Forgive me if I’m wrong, but this is how I’m interpreting the situation? 

Link to comment
2 hours ago, gingerbreadgirl said:

But just because I have OCD doesn't mean her feelings don't matter...

Of course her feelings matter gbg, but you have to be careful not to take on the responsibility of issues that affect her because her problems could soon easily become yours :(

Link to comment
8 hours ago, lostinme said:

You have to be really careful not to over complicate things gbg :yes: I think several things are going on here, you do to a certain degree even if you don’t actually want to believe it that there is a risk re the germs otherwise you wouldn’t go around cleaning everything you’ve touched. Also I think it falls into the responsibility OCD too, you fear feeling responsible for your partner if anything did come of it because you didn’t do it and to you this would feel like neglect and that your a bad person and it’s all your fault. I also think to a certain degree you feel better if you tell her because then you can let go of the feelings of total responsibility around these issues especially knowing how she feels regarding cleanliness. Forgive me if I’m wrong, but this is how I’m interpreting the situation? 

Hi lostie,

Thanks as always for your great advice. I think a lot of what you say is right. I'm not sure however this is really to do with fearing harm though because I genuinely don't on any level believe germs are harmful in fact if anything I think they're probably useful to be exposed to - I know nothing will happen to my partner if I touch the bin or whatever. What I'm afraid of is being dishonest. I'm afraid that unless my partner knows every little thing about me then I am a bad person, and if I deliberately keep something from her I am a bad person. I have so many compulsions around this that I've been trying to address. I monitor everything I say for slight exaggerating or whatever and make sure I go back and correct it (or at least that's what ocd wants me to do).  As I'm sure you can imagine this isn't a particularly healthy dynamic for us right now as it reinforces this idea that she sits  in judgment (which she doesn't want at all, BTW). I think this is where the cleaning thing has come from. 

Thank you and hope you're well  x x 

Link to comment
12 hours ago, gingerbreadgirl said:

But just because I have OCD doesn't mean her feelings don't matter...

Thats true, but when you confess are you really doing it to help someone else feel better or are you doing it to make yourself feel better? Very often confession compulsions become a burden on the people we confess to.  And confessing doesn't always lead to a better outcome for the other person even when the situation is real and not OCD related (or is both real and OCD related).

For example, lets say your coworker gets a new haircut, and they clearly like it.  You think it doesn't look so great, but its obviously not hurting them.  So you politely say nothing.  After all, confessing your feelings to them would cause them pain and you are just keeping your opinion to yourself, its not like you are lying.
BUT, after lunch your coworker says to you "hey, don't you like my new haircut?"  Now you could tell the truth, you could confess to them your true feelings.  After all, isn't lying wrong?  Except maybe its not.  In this case you can get away with a little white lie "Yeah! You look nice!" or even creatively avoid the question "What made you decide to do something different?" or "Wow, where did you go to get it done?"  You aren't lying, just avoiding giving a straight answer.  In the end your friend is happy and no harm is done.  You didn't confess the truth, even if you wanted to.

Obviously thats not a perfect comparison, but the point is that when considering things like confessing its best to consider the possible outcomes not just for helping your OCD but also doing the right thing for others.  

Link to comment

Thanks dksea. I do see what you mean and agree that honesty is not always kind like in the above example. I totally agree that it is sometimes kinder to oil the wheels and I do this kind of thing with everyone other than my partner - I've got it in my head that keeping anything whatsoever from your partner, no matter how small, is wrong and this has become the centre of my ocd.  I don't really think that rationally but I feel it. And I keep thinking that if I can just be clean enough then I won't be keeping anything from her and won't have anything to confess. I worry about this all the time. And why?? I know my partner doesn't worry like this and I wouldn't want her to!

Link to comment

I think we all have a central "theme" around which our OCD casts its dastardly spells. 

It seems overpowering,and don't I know it. 

But the way forward remains the same for all of us. If we keep responding to the urges, we only maintain the cycle. 

To break free, we have to stop when the urge comes, and refocus away. And keep doing it until we stop connecting with the urge to carry out the compulsions. 

It's very difficult to do this at first, but it gradually becomes easier - though there will be backslides and hiccups along the way. 

As someone said on another thread, to another correspondent, " I am going to do this and believe you not the OCD ". 

Link to comment

Thanks Roy that does make sense. I think though with this there is some kind of faulty core belief going on i.e. "Married people should have no secrets" and then ocd is taking this to the nth degree.  Just like with anything where there is a certain get area. How do I challenge this in a meaningful way?

Link to comment

I agree. 

Shoulds and oughts are trouble in mental health, they lead to "storms". 

So perhaps see if you can redefine this into a more realistic sensible take on the belief. 

Also the word secret is acquiring an absolute definitive meaning in this core belief. To me, marital secrets are such things as taking money or carrying on an affair - serious issues. 

Is what is going on around these core beliefs you have - variations on an original theme in music speak - serious, or just OCD exaggerating/magnifying a more minor matter?

Your OH says it's not that important - and I think I believe that. And in any case we know that helping a family member to carry out compulsions on an OCD theme e.g.contamination only strengthens, not solves the problem. 

 

Edited by taurean
Link to comment
2 hours ago, gingerbreadgirl said:

Thanks Roy, I hope you're well  x 

Hi GBG, yes still well and keeping exposure nicely up to date without trouble. 

I can watch or read things now that might have thrown me into an OCD -driven anxiety spiral before ; so I truly know that applying CBT and finding then keeping up the right mix of therapy tools for a specific individual works. 

It's finding that mix and applying the right take on CBT that is so challenging and I so so which it wasn't that difficult for us all. 

 

Edited by taurean
Link to comment

It doesn't really matter what's normal at this point. You have OCD and want to get better, that's the important thing. Throw normal out the window and do what you've got to do.

Maybe the two of you need to make a pact. You'll stop the confessing and she'll support you in doing the ERP, whether that's indirectly or otherwise. And if it's becoming an issue, she can let you know. If you both know where you stand, you can support each other, instead of perhaps feeling like you're inconveniencing the other.

Link to comment

I can relate where I also don’t feel germs are a risk. I wish I could reach a stage where I could use anti bacterial wipes to avoid replacing though. 

Link to comment

Hi all,

Thank you very much for all the fantastic and thoughtful advice, again!

I understand that behaviorally I should be challenging this by doing exposure. But what I am not sure of is how I should address this cognitively  (something I think is often overlooked in self help treatments). I know I have an unrealistic and extreme belief underlying this obsession  i.e. "Anything less than total disclosure about everything makes me a terrible wife" etc. It's black and white thinking, filtering, etc. But what is a more flexible belief to work on long term? This is why I asked about what's  'normal'. Not dissimilar to people asking about what is a normal length shower etc.  

Thank you  x 

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now



×
×
  • Create New...