Jump to content

Riddled with guilt


Recommended Posts

Hi

I am new here but I hope you can help me. I’m feeling really bad and hate myself. I am diagnosed with OCD and in therapy. 

For the past 24 hours, I’ve been reliving a situation I’m not proud of. I was really tipsy at a train station and as a joke I patted someone on the bottom. Just a pat and I thought it was funny at the time but I know how stupid and idiotic that was. I feel like a monster and I hate myself. I can’t get it out of my mind. I feel like such a low life pathetic excuse for a human being. I hate myself. I’m so sorry for it. I didn’t think at the time but I realised immediately it was inappropriate and dumb and pathetic. I have tried to forgive myself in the past but it is stuck in my head now and I just hate myself so much. I don’t know what to do. 

I try to be a good person so hard and I never want to make people uncomfortable. I just think I’m pathetic and deserve this OCD. 

Link to comment
19 minutes ago, CoolHandLuke said:

Hi

I am new here but I hope you can help me. I’m feeling really bad and hate myself. I am diagnosed with OCD and in therapy. 

For the past 24 hours, I’ve been reliving a situation I’m not proud of. I was really tipsy at a train station and as a joke I patted someone on the bottom. Just a pat and I thought it was funny at the time but I know how stupid and idiotic that was. I feel like a monster and I hate myself. I can’t get it out of my mind. I feel like such a low life pathetic excuse for a human being. I hate myself. I’m so sorry for it. I didn’t think at the time but I realised immediately it was inappropriate and dumb and pathetic. I have tried to forgive myself in the past but it is stuck in my head now and I just hate myself so much. I don’t know what to do. 

I try to be a good person so hard and I never want to make people uncomfortable. I just think I’m pathetic and deserve this OCD. 

The old pat on the bum when drunk, is pretty normal, hell even a smack usually gets a guy berated or some girls even like it (I dont recommend) and some men will always do that, rightly or wrongly, hell women have even done it to me. A jokey pat on the bum when drunk, and inhibitions are set free, is really nothing to feel bad about, if you dont want to do it, in the future then don't. If someone wasnt okay with it Im sure they would let you know, and when someone is drunk people tend to make some allowances for people anyway, but we both know its not that thats the problem. The ocd has latched onto it and you feel like you murdered someone, I know alot of people who have done what you have and probably alot worse, and they dont give it a second thought. Try to leave your uncertainties unanswered from here on and take the leap. Take the risk you "got away with it" so to speak.

Link to comment
3 minutes ago, humbleno1 said:

The old pat on the bum when drunk, is pretty normal, hell even a smack usually gets a guy berated or some girls even like it (I dont recommend) and some men will always do that, rightly or wrongly, hell women have even done it to me. A jokey pat on the bum when drunk, and inhibitions are set free, is really nothing to feel bad about, if you dont want to do it, in the future then don't. If someone wasnt okay with it Im sure they would let you know, and when someone is drunk people tend to make some allowances for people anyway, but we both know its not that thats the problem. The ocd has latched onto it and you feel like you murdered someone, I know alot of people who have done what you have and probably alot worse, and they dont give it a second thought. Try to leave your uncertainties unanswered from here on and take the leap. Take the risk you "got away with it" so to speak.

The problem is was that I did it on the way home after a drink or two at work and was only slightly tipsy so I should have known better. All I thought at the time was someone did it to me once and it was funny so why not. But then I immediately regretted it. I’m sorry but I feel like the worst person in the world. I feel like I’m going to hate myself forever. Feeling like I got away with it is awful. I don’t want to feel like this. I feel like I’m evil and I deserve punishment. 

Link to comment
2 hours ago, CoolHandLuke said:

The problem is was that I did it on the way home after a drink or two at work and was only slightly tipsy so I should have known better. All I thought at the time was someone did it to me once and it was funny so why not. But then I immediately regretted it. I’m sorry but I feel like the worst person in the world. I feel like I’m going to hate myself forever. Feeling like I got away with it is awful. I don’t want to feel like this. I feel like I’m evil and I deserve punishment. 

Tipsy, drunk doesnt matter, you want reassurance here. You may FEEL like that, but how you feel isnt accurate. Why torture yourself over something so trivial, do you think the other person is thinking about this at all? This is your ocd, you know that thats why you are here. If you really dont want to be an awful person dont give in to an awful disorder, that is going to affect you and your relationships in general, you owe yourself and those who care about you more than that.

Link to comment
10 hours ago, CoolHandLuke said:

The problem is was that I did it on the way home after a drink or two at work and was only slightly tipsy so I should have known better. All I thought at the time was someone did it to me once and it was funny so why not. But then I immediately regretted it. I’m sorry but I feel like the worst person in the world. I feel like I’m going to hate myself forever. Feeling like I got away with it is awful. I don’t want to feel like this. I feel like I’m evil and I deserve punishment. 

You are punishing yourself. You have been since you did it. So how long are you going to keep at it? A week  a month, a year? What's the going rate for punishment for patting a bum these days? It's not like you murdered someone. When are you going to say, that's enough of that?

Link to comment
On 13/10/2018 at 20:52, PolarBear said:

You are punishing yourself. You have been since you did it. So how long are you going to keep at it? A week  a month, a year? What's the going rate for punishment for patting a bum these days? It's not like you murdered someone. When are you going to say, that's enough of that?

You say it’s not a big deal but I feel suicidal. I told my Mum and she said she didn’t think it was a big deal but now I feel like she will never look at me the same way again. I feel like a monster. I feel like even it happened over a decade ago that things can never go back the same way again, Polarbear. 

I don’t know. It just doesn’t FEEL a big deal. Please help me. 

Link to comment
1 hour ago, CoolHandLuke said:

You say it’s not a big deal but I feel suicidal. I told my Mum and she said she didn’t think it was a big deal but now I feel like she will never look at me the same way again. I feel like a monster. I feel like even it happened over a decade ago that things can never go back the same way again, Polarbear. 

I don’t know. It just doesn’t FEEL a big deal. Please help me. 

'Everyone is a monster' ... don't try to be special. If it's not the pat on the bum, it'll only be something else. Incidentally, I maintain that 'OCD guilt' isn't real guilt at all. It's far far worse than the real thing. Don't respond to a hyper-charged simulacrum of the genuine article. Put it down.  

Link to comment

The thoughts you get that this is a huge deal are the OCD lie. OCD always lies. It never tells the truth. It is your choice whether you buy into it. You make things so much worse by doing compulsions, notably ruminating.

Link to comment

Don’t think about a pink elephant! You think about a pink elephant. Likewise - don’t think about the incident. You think about the incident.

So when a memory of the incident enters your consciousness think of a place where and when you were really happy. Close your eyes and let the happy memory flood your consciousness in all its graphic visual and sensory detail. It is one of the techniques taught to me by a clinical psychologist treating me for OCD and depression. 

Edited by Angst
Link to comment
  • 2 weeks later...

So I did something really stupid, I posted on Twitter my OCD story about the bum patting from 20 years ago and I’m now thinking that someone is going to report me and I’m going to end up in jail? Am I totally over exaggerating this? I have had two massive panic attacks and feel extremely suicidal. Please help. 

Link to comment

Yes you are worrying over something that isn't important. So you patted someone on the bum, you would rather you hadn't, you feel bad, that's it, nothing to do. 

It is incredibly unlikely someone will report you for something so minor that you clearly regret deeply. You are assuming the worst of the world and yourself, this is all very much OCD. Are you getting help for your OCD at all? 

Link to comment

Aah the catastrophizing & enormous ammounts of what if what if what if questioning. you really are over exaggerating.  a pat on the bum ...literally is nothing compared to what some individuals do after a few drinks that thinks is acceptable. Whats important is you are the key here in deciding how you are going to let something so trivial control you or not & how you feel, suicide isnt and never will be the answer. you must find a way to think yeah i patted someones bum so what everyone does daft stuff in life and it is what it is. 

Sucide doesnt end suffering it just transfers suffering and pain to those who love you. 

 

If you are feeling that way and you really feel you are unable to keep yourself safe then please ring your local crises team or go to your nearest Minor injuries they will have a duty mental health team. 

Edited by beckyboo
Link to comment
  • 4 months later...

I have just a horrendous revisit to this situation brought on by the R Kelly stuff into the news. I know you will argue with me what he did and what I’m worrying about are two completely different things but here is the thing. 

I very very vaguely remember the incident and it was a while ago. But now I’m worrying, what if I patted someone on the bum who was younger than I thought they were. I mean, the thought repulses me but I can’t be sure how old they were. And there is no way I could know. And again, now, I am horrified by this thought. So terrified and disturbed. Really big feelings of self loathing fill me. Can anyone offer any advice?

Link to comment

Right now, I feel like no one cares. And, nobody cares because they think I'm a bad person. I tried to talk to my therapist and he said it was an OCD thought but I have no way of knowing if that is right. I just do know. I can't revisit back in time and relive the situation. I might be an incredibly awful awful awful person. I hate that it happened and I hate myself. I loathe myself and I can't stand feeling like this. I feel like all I can do is just get on with things and see what's what. But it's so hard.

Link to comment

Luke, you are far from the first person I've talked to with this theme. Heard it plenty of times. 

You aren't thinking clearly. No one in the throes of OCD does. You are punishing yourself just in case you did something wrong. That's a fact. Seen many people do that.

Your mind can come up with thoughts that make you believe you did something hideous and completely out of character. That's bad enough but you make it so much worse by doing compulsions.

You say you can't be sure either way. True with all with this theme. Here's the thing... you won't come any closer to knowing by doing more compulsions.

Link to comment

What eould you do if one of your parents, a sibling or your best friend told you thry decided to punish themselves forever just in case they did something wrong? Don't relate it to yourself. Answer my question as it pertains to them. What would you say?

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...