Getting a few things off my chest (Struggling - input appreciated)

[humbleno1]

I know im stating this obvious but, heres a conundrum, checking...can actually result in not completely doing what your fearing but doing questionable things.

But when you chase the "relief", the undoing response so to speak, I feel like we cthrow all rationality out the window. Ive heard of people doing questionable things, while "compulsing", would it be fair to say one is not in there right mind when this happens?

I dont know what Im trying to say exactly here, I guess its just an observation at how staggeringly convincing, and manipulating the disorder can be. And just how difficult it is to fight actual wiring in our brains. Its such a paradox that ive yet to master, and its scary and its quite depressing, but alas, there has to be a way out.

The way out is there is no way out? and not to be a negative, but that is a very daunting realisation. Its like hanging onto your own illusions, compulsions are illusions they have never made a difference nor will they, maybe its the sense of security they give us that we really feel we have some control in a world we don't? I dont know maybe thats too freudrian.

I keep thinking about what penzel says about surrendering completely, with acceptance.

Does anybody else think there is going to be this eureka moment, where you just stop caring, like a movie character finally conquering his fears, is this a stupid thing to think? im guessing so.

Gosh im tired of this damn disorder. Its took so much and still continues to do so, and I feel like theres no coming back now, that I cant better etc.

I know so much about this disorder but knowing is nothing, it means nothing its the doing that counts.

I cant find peace, the one thing I didnt want to be affected by me or my ocd is in my mind, and im scared to death something bad is going to happen from it all, and its going to be my fault.

I just wish I wasnt this way, I wish it so much.

 

[PolarBear]

Wishing won't fix the problem. Only changes to the way you think and behave will bring you the relief you desire.

[humbleno1]

36 minutes ago, PolarBear said:

Wishing won't fix the problem. Only changes to the way you think and behave will bring you the relief you desire.

but i can live with most things but how do i live with this one, like the guilt the worry is too much.

[PolarBear]

The reason you feel so guilty is that you keep going over it in your mind. The negative feelings get worse and worse.

Take an 'oh well' attitude and work on getting rid of the ruminating and the guilt will begin to ease.

[humbleno1]

34 minutes ago, PolarBear said:

The reason you feel so guilty is that you keep going over it in your mind. The negative feelings get worse and worse.

Take an 'oh well' attitude and work on getting rid of the ruminating and the guilt will begin to ease.

i think thats true to some degree but not fully because i do genuinely feel bad and worried beyond the ocd, i know i may have done something i shouldnt a litte

[PolarBear]

You'll have to trust me that this is OCD. Seen it so many times, I can't count them.

[humbleno1]

46 minutes ago, PolarBear said:

You'll have to trust me that this is OCD. Seen it so many times, I can't count them.

you dont understand tho i felt the pressure going through the head it was firm what if this done damage? she didnt cry but still, -  im going to go to therapy end of month i think. i cant cope i raelly cant i appreciate u trying to help... but i dont know whats happening to me .... im falling apart.

[PolarBear]

I do understand. I suffrred from OCD for 40 years. I've spent 4+ years helping others with OCD. Your theme is what is known as Real Life OCD or Guilt OCD. Seen dozens and dozens of cases of it.

Your mind has latched onto something from your past and blown its importance out of proportion. It's made a minor thing into a huge deal. Classic. You keep getting intrusive thoughts that you did domething terrible. The distress you feel is guilt. In response, you do compulsions, notably ruminating. It's just OCD. 

[humbleno1]

12 hours ago, PolarBear said:

I do understand. I suffrred from OCD for 40 years. I've spent 4+ years helping others with OCD. Your theme is what is known as Real Life OCD or Guilt OCD. Seen dozens and dozens of cases of it.

Your mind has latched onto something from your past and blown its importance out of proportion. It's made a minor thing into a huge deal. Classic. You keep getting intrusive thoughts that you did domething terrible. The distress you feel is guilt. In response, you do compulsions, notably ruminating. It's just OCD. 

Sorry, I didnt mean you dont understand ocd.

What I meant was it was hard, the pressure did go through head, its not that I imagined that, or exaggerated it. This is what im struggling with, the guilt. The everything.

The utter despair that, something so precious and beautiful to me, has now been in my eyes affected, that they have become the source of my pain, its tormenting. Its so damaging to my psyche that I cant even process it properly.

The terror ontop of normal anxiety over someone.

I cant explain it.

[PolarBear]

You are convincing yourself that your situation is different, unique, very bad. It's not. It's the same old thing. It only seems bad because you focus on it and keep going over it in your mind.