I did it again, and I am tortured...

[paco5959]

I did it again. I brought up an incident tonight on a beautiful night after a beautiful vacation.. nothing recent, but an incident 5 years ago when my partner and i first started dating.. 

a few months into seeing each other, 5 years ago, I went to a party, and stayed in another dudes bed. Nothing happened, aside from an awkward cuddle and me realizing I didn’t want to be there... and that it felt wrong. I slept oddly and felt guilt and that “i shouldn’t be here” feeling. I even semi remember saying to him “I started to see someone recently”. My divorce was also not even finalized....  I was very lost, dangerous and very feral. 

In times of high anxiety, i remember this (along with a few choice others around relationship guilt) and I try to remember more.. I rack my brain for years, trying to remember if there was some kiss, some touch that I don’t recall. I know I remember that night. I know i have gone through this and say to myself, “you can’t keep doing this... you have rattled your brain endlessly for answers that never come”.

But I slipped tonight. And this event was a faint cloud in my head recently. There but also not there and feeling not realivent for once. I just got back from seeing my mom and her boyfriend (high anxiety). And now we are both hurt and sad. I ruined a perfect evening after I sighlently argued with my OCD this vacation with a smile on my face, while my amazing loyal and pillar of a boyfriend played the  boyfriend of the year. With the love of my life... And I feel angry that he’s angry.. My sadness feels like a death. Because after all, this was a pivotal point where I realized where I was supposed to be. With him. And I didn’t do anything but be in an awkward, silent half cuddle during that absolute chaotic time. But was there more that I muted out? There can’t be...

when i feel the urge to confess it tingles my body with heat and sweat and the literal fight or flight. It feels like I had an actual affair yesterday. That’s how real this feels.

I am so... tired.. of fighting this ocd. I do all the things read all the books... Am I not trying hard enough? I am constantly trying to kick this or tame it. The self awareness is there... 

Edited October 13, 2018 by paco5959

[PolarBear]

So you did a compulsion and now you feel rotten. Does that tell you something?

I'll tell you that you aren't doing everything in the books. You are ruminating about inconsequential events and then when it sll boils over you confess, which makes things worse for you.

Compulsions don't work. They never do. They only lead to more intrusive thoughts, more anxiety, more doubt and more compulsions. 

[paco5959]

3 hours ago, PolarBear said:

So you did a compulsion and now you feel rotten. Does that tell you something?

I'll tell you that you aren't doing everything in the books. You are ruminating about inconsequential events and then when it sll boils over you confess, which makes things worse for you.

Compulsions don't work. They never do. They only lead to more intrusive thoughts, more anxiety, more doubt and more compulsions. 

I feel like since it causes such anxiety and my partner and I to get upset, then what I did was justifiably wrong and that I need to figure it out. I’ve never been so aware that what I’m thinking is ridiculous and so miniscule and also be equally as distressed/in total shambles. 

I feel like this experience completely rocked me and proves I need to most likely seek out some guidance from a professional. I’ve been putting it off for a long.... long time. i was 100% sure i wouldn’t ever speak a word of this again, and in an extreme stress situation this week, I literally just unraveled all that work I thought I did in 1 minute.