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Struggling with lack of faith


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Well I guess how I feel is summed up in the title. 

I edge towards the religious side of things, I’m not a devout Church goer but I do believe in God.

But at the same time I’m going through a bad OCD episode, I’m questioning why God would ‘plague’ me with this mental illness. 

These past near enough 20 months have been awful and I see no way out. I was supposed to be playing football tonight but have chosen to stay hidden in my room. 

Going back to God, I’m asking alsorts of questions. The thought of telling him to ‘go away’ is making me feel better, that shouldn’t feel right surely? 

I don’t know. I’m lost, I just want peace in my own head.

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Hi Robbie

Can't help too much as I'm not sure what the best advice to give is.  But your themes of both sexual identity and religious themes seem to mirror mine, I just posted about sexuality/attraction half an hour ago!  Just posting this to encourage you if I can.  Understand exactly why you didn't want to play footy tonight, but why not try and galvanise yourself and go out for a run or something instead.  It won't solve your problems of course, but it might help you.  I wish you all the best and remember things can improve and there is no reason going forward why they cannot for you.  Best of luck mate and keep plugging away.

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Hi Robbie, sorry to hear you are going through a rough time right now.  

The question of "how can God allow bad things to happen" has been one that people have struggled with for centuries.  Unfortunately the only way to get an answer would be for Him to tell you directly (assuming God or the equivalent exists).  I can give you my personal thoughts on the matter but as I said no one is really going to be able to give you the REAL answer.  For reference I was raised in the Catholic church by my Catholic mother and Lutheran father.  Though I still mostly associate with being Catholic I am by no means a regular church goer.  I believe in some kind of higher power at the very least and tend to think that the Christian God makes the most sense for me, but I don't get too hung up on the specifics.
 

On 18/10/2018 at 03:16, robbiec87 said:

I’m questioning why God would ‘plague’ me with this mental illness. 

As I said above, I can only tell you my view on this but maybe it will help you to think about it.  I generally have two things I consider related to this question.  They approach it from different angles and I have no idea which (if either) is actually true, but it helps me at least.

First, I consider it from the perspective of a parent and child.  Imagine a parent taking their child to the doctor at a very young age to receive immunization shots.  The parent does this because they love their child and they want them to be healthy in the future.  However as far as the child is capable of understanding, all that happens is they are being stuck with a needle, a potentially scary and painful event.  It would be understandable, even reasonable for the child to be confused by this action.  Why is my parent allowing me to go through this?  Why do I have to suffer this pain??  A child so young doesn't understand immunization or disease (heck many adults don't).  You could try to explain it to them, but they simply lack of the intellectual ability to grasp the concepts.  The child simply has to trust that their parent is doing this for a good reason.  It is a pattern that is repeated often in life.  A parent will take an action (or choose not to act) that in the short term seems harmful or strange to the child (like making you eat your vegetables or do your homework) but in the long run will pay off.

Now, it can be hard to consider how having OCD could possible compare to say, the temporary pain of a flu shot, I'll grant you that.  But keep in mind for the purposes of this discussion we have to consider things from Gods perspective.  If we are talking about the Christian God (or many other God or gods) the level at which He operates and his knowledge dramatically exceeds our own.  Compared to the difference between a human child and human adult, the difference between a human adult and God is vast!  If the distance between child and adult is say, like that between your feet and your head, the difference between adult and God could be like the distance from your head to the edge of the galaxy or greater!  We simply have no way of knowing how far above us God is.  Its quite possible, even probably I would say, that to understand the full complexities of God's creation will forever be beyond our grasp as mortal human beings.  So its possible, that what we see as pointless suffering in our lives is part of something much greater, something that will be for our own greater good in the long run.  

And consider further that God is not merely concerned with our physical existence on this Earth as we know it now, but our eternal souls.  The suffering we experience here and now may seem terrible, but the reward could be even greater down the line.  I can not guarantee any of this but perhaps what each of us is dealing with now is preparing us for greatness in whatever comes next, a greatness that once we reach it will make what we have been through here seem trivial in comparison. Perhaps, like an Olympic athlete who works and sweats and toils for years for the chance to achieve something great, what we go through is merely training for what is to come.  Again, I have no idea if any of this is true, and I certainly can't prove it, but it is, at least possible and in line with how I concieve of God.

The second angle I would consider, which could be complimentary to the first, is to focus on God's gift to us of free will.  Free will is seen as being of great importance not just in many branches of Christianity but other belief systems as well.  It is that free will, that ability to knowingly make our own choices that makes us special, makes us like God Himself to a degree.  But, in order for free will to matter, in order for our choices to have any meaning it is required that we live in a universe in which not only good things, but bad things can happen.  Light is noticeable because we can contrast it with dark.  A universe in which only good things can happen doesn't allow us true free will any more than a game which only lets you move in one direction is giving you true freedom of motion.  That is why in the Garden of Eden God HAD to allow for the possibility that Adam and Eve could choose to eat the forbidden fruit.  Think about it, he's God! He is powerful!  He could have built an impenetrable wall around the tree of the fruit of knowledge of good and evil.  Adam and Eve would have lived in the garden for all time.  But they wouldn't have had true free will.  The possibility of making a bad choice, of living in an imperfect world had to be there.  Now some would argue that its better to live a more relaxed and peaceful life even if it means being contained/controlled.  We all accept that to one degree or another.  But there are times and there are people who value freedom, whether in a specific moment or in general at a much higher place than others.  But all of that is to say, that its possible that the existence of suffering in this world is merely a necessary precondition in order for us to have free will.  That God gave us the gift of free will because it is greater for us to have free will and make our own choices, than to be simple robots existing without struggle, but also without freedom.  Again I can not prove this, I can not guarantee it is even close to the ultimate Truth.  But again I think its a plausible explanation or part of an explanation.  

Of course even my explanations and guesses are necessarily limited in scope to my own human understanding.  Its entirely possible that there is an explanation that we simply can't yet (if ever) comprehend.  That we merely have to accept (if we choose) that there is a reason for what God does and thats just the way it is.  Certainly there are people for whom that is insufficient and therefore either choose to not believe in any God or at least doubt that such a God can be good.  I can not prove God even exists, that is a decision that must be made by each person.  But consider also that faith is important to God (at least according to the Bible).  That it is important that human beings CHOOSE to follow him, not because he makes the, but because they DECIDE to (which goes back to the importance of free will).  If it were simple or easy to believe in God, if he showed up on TV for us to watch every week, or we could visit him at his Godly mansion and meet him, then faith would have much less value.  Even if the world acted according to simple rules (do good, have good things happen all the time, do bad have bad things happen) it would be trivial to believe in God, and certainly being good would be a no brainer too.  So perhaps it is the nature of living in a flawed universe, where good people suffer unfortunate illnesses and outcomes, that makes our choices meaningful.  That makes our choice to have faith matter.  That sets us apart from simple robots who do as they are told without consideration, that act only on instinct without any deeper or meaningful thought.

None of which makes having to deal with OCD seem like a good thing to anyone who lives with it, but in the end I believe Faith is a choice.  Like love, its not simply something that happens to you, but the real meaningful love you have whether it be for God or another person is the love where you actively choose every day to make that person a priority and to give of yourself to them.  But I also recognize that maybe, in the end, having faith in God (or gods, or whatever) simply isn't worth it for some people.  And if there is no God (etc) then maybe having faith is a waste of time.  I can understand both viewpoints and I think which ever direction you go is reasonable.  Fortunately its not necessarily permanent either, since as long as you are alive you can change your mind.  Maybe now you don't need or want God in your life.  Maybe thats better for you.  Maybe later you will change your mind.  Maybe not.  Ultimately it comes down to what is important to you and where you want to place your focus in life right now.

Anyway I hope that reading that wasn't too taxing and that it helps you at least a little!  Happy to continue if you have any questions or reactions, or if not I understand that too.  Take care mate!

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