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Two opposite ends of a spectrum


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This is how I seem to be feeling a lot of the time at the moment. The other day, shortly after my birthday and the stress of everything had subsided, I decided to knuckle down and put the work back in to getting better, because I had been stuck in a ruminative loop of analysing and guilt for days. So the last few days have been up and down, but mostly up, I’m pleased to report. 

But a lot of the time I’m either one end of it or the other; that is, either I can see the disorder for what it is and all the tricks it can play. Im patient and gentle with myself, I can accept myself as a sufferer and how that makes me different from others (and how that’s okay) and I can carry on with life because, all in all, life’s good.

But when I don’t feel like that, I’m the opposite. I feel like some sick monster who has horrid and inappropriate sexual thoughts and groinal responses. It intrudes on my sex life massively, I’m in a constant state of panic and I feel like I don’t deserve to enjoy anything in my life, I can’t look at myself in the mirror and I feel very low. I feel like I’ve done terrible things that I should be punished for. It’s maddening. 

I’ve pushed beyond before, I just hope I can do it again. I feel like I’m constantly fighting myself and the hump I have to get over feels so much bigger than it did last time

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I can identify with this so much having had a bad relapse this year. It felt so much harder to overcome than it ever did before. But you can overcome it, you really can. You need to apply the steps but one at a time, slowly. When you feel that horrible feeling of freaking out coming upon you, take a breath and just let it be, let the thought be there, let the anxiety be there, and just be kind to yourself. This is a tough journey and you'll only get through it with lots of gentleness and patience towards yourself, as corny as that sounds. You can do this, you'll get there  x 

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Hi Ollie

I can also relate to this, I'm having a wobble right now and it's similar in that I feel ok one moment and the next it's all terrible.  It's like being on a rollercoaster and it's hard to focus but as gbg says we have to let those thoughts be, I'm still practicing a "maybe yes and maybe no" answer to my current fears and then trying to refocus on what I'm doing and carry on as normal, it's so flipping hard but we can do it.  

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