Same topic again but now with new evidence

[Ironborn]

Hi all. 

Again im suffering from real event ocd. Its still about a dog we had when i was in my early 20s (im almost 31 now). 

I used to be a bully as a kid and kept bullying others and animals until my mid 20s.

Then i had a severe breakdown and now im dreaded with guilt of this. Ive had many different sorts of ocd but this one is the most crippling one for me. 

Ive done all i can to become a better person but the guilt never fades. 

And right now i think i found evidence that my bullying bahaviour (mental and physical) towards the dog we had may have caused him to die 4 years ago. 

The dog already was at a highage (15) but i keep getting thoughts like, if i did not did the things i did he may have lived longer.

But there is no way of finding this out for sure. The dog moved to my wifes father farm then he was 13 years old. We found out my wife was allergic to the dogs skin fibers so he had to move. He had 2 good years there on the farm. But when he came back to us for a week because my wifes father was going away for a week. When he slept over at us he seemed tired, exhausted and just not well. We went to the vet and she said the dog wos to ill, weak hips etc. And advised us to have him euthanized. This was a huge shock. 

 

Ever since that day i have dreams about the dog and i try to make amends. And then i wake up knowing ill never be able to make things right for the bullying i did for a couple of years. 

I loved the dog very much, and thats ehy im so confused i also sort of enjoyed bullying him. 

 

I feel like such a monster. This subject almoet made me commit suicide a couple of years ago, that is how much regret i have.. 

 

[Guest OCDhavenobrain]

I don't know man. Probably need some more facts before i speak out. DID you bully or  did you not? 

Let's say you bullied other kids and even animals (don't know how you bully animals, maybe you could explain?). So now do  you worry about a specific animal (your dog)? Is that right? 

[Ironborn]

11 minutes ago, OCDhavenobrain said:

I don't know man. Probably need some more facts before i speak out. DID you bully or  did you not? 

Let's say you bullied other kids and even animals (don't know how you bully animals, maybe you could explain?). So now do  you worry about a specific animal (your dog)? Is that right? 

Yes i did bully no doubt. And yes its about the dog that gives so much distress. I know ive done bad things, and i am extremely sorry about them. Because of therapy ive found out why i showed this kind of behaviour. When i was a little kid i was severly neglected by my alcoholic mother, and endured mental abuse up until my 8th year. I got placed at my father, and after this i showed alot of bullying behaviour. This kept with me until my early / mid 20s.

 

Ive been trying everyting, i donated alot of money to animal charities, i treath my cats in an extreme loving and caring way. Ive gone 100% vegan, i avoid insects, snails etc putside. I do anything i can not to hurt a single animal ever in my life. But the guilt never goes away. I also have alot of flashbacks to the bullying i did. Im scared to type how i exactly bullied because people will really see me as a monster if i tell. 

Edited October 19, 2018 by Ironborn

[Guest OCDhavenobrain]

Just now, Ironborn said:

Yes i did bully no doubt. And yes its about the dog that gives so much distress. I know ive done bad things, and i am extremely sorry about them. Because of therapy ive found out why i showed this kind of behaviour. When i was a little kid i was severly neglected bij my alcoholic mother, and endured mental abuse up until my 8th year. I got placed at my father, and after this i showed alot of bullying behaviour. This kept with me until my early / mid 20s.

 

Ive been trying everyting, i donated alot of money to animal charities, i treath my cats in an extreme loving and caring way. But the guilt never goes away. I also have alot of flashbacks to the bullying i did. Im scared to type how i exactly bullied because people will really see me as a monster if i tell. 

We can be sorry about things but we can also be obsessive about them. 

The redlight goes on when someone think so much about a thing that she/he thinks that it  needs to be gone over and over again. And that it means that one have to commit suicide. Sure there are things where I wouldn't care if someone commited suicide. No tears for Breivik and other him alike. You will if you don't already start to ruminate about where your "evil deeds" stands on the scale. But don't do that. 

You can't change the past, and i don't really think that such extreme level of guilts are justified. But we don't even need to speak about morality, if you have OCD and this event makes you this guilty then put this aside for a while and stop going over all the events. Doing so will make no difference. 

[Guest OCDhavenobrain]

Not my best english. 

Giving money to charities will do a different, but do not let it get obsessive, but going over it over and over and over again and then even killing yourself won't do a difference. Stop going over the events in your head!!

Edited October 19, 2018 by OCDhavenobrain

[PolarBear]

Are you as hard on those who abused you as you are on yourself?

[Ironborn]

18 minutes ago, PolarBear said:

Are you as hard on those who abused you as you are on yourself?

Nope. Never could never will.

[PolarBear]

Why do you think that is? Why let them off the hook but not yourself?

[Ironborn]

Just now, PolarBear said:

Why do you think that is? Why let them off the hook but not yourself?

I think its because ive learned everything always is my fault.

[PolarBear]

Maybe you learned wrong and now it's time for you to learn something new. 

This is a core belief you have that dictated how you interact with the world and how you treat yourself. I believe you need to take a hard look at this core belief so you can see the lie it is built on.

I strongly recommend you access talk therapy. You need to talk about this with a professional.