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I’ve just done the worst thing possible!


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So I was changing my daughters nappy and then I touched her bits with my finger!! I feel sick that I even did it, I’m so all over the place right now and this sickness bug has made my brain so all over the place too!! I don’t know why I bloody did it, my brain just said hover your hand over her bits and then I did, I just placed my finger on there. I placed it on the outside, not that it makes it okay I just wanted to clarify I hadn’t hurt her in case people thought that. I dont know why I did it! I should of just wiped her and that was it but once again my stupid mind has taken control of me!

I honestly don’t feel like my little girl is safe anymore. I’m so worried I’m going to harm her, not out of ever wanting to but out of carrying out stupid compulsions!! She deserves a much better mum than me, all I do is bloody put her at risk! I feel like I need to be locked up because even though I don’t do it out of wanting to I still feel like I should be locked away! 

Edited by muddledmother
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What you are doing is seeking reassurance. You want to know that everything is okay, or conversely that you are what your thoughts say. It's a compulsion. It's part of your OCD.

You are reacting to the thoughts you get. Reacting badly, actually. They have you second guessing everything you do. You are not the first person to go through this.

What you need to learn is to forge on ahead despite the thoughts and to learn to not react to the thoughts. They are just thoughts. They don't mean anything.

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I know, I’m sorry I’ve seeker reassurance, normally I can just let things go but this one has totally got me and has made me question if I should be her mum anymore. I’m panicking every time I change her nappy now, although I am getting on with it as best I can and trying not to think about it too much when im actually changing it. I’m just worried that I actually acted on this one and even though I didn’t abuse her I still put my hand there when I really shouldn’t have :/

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On 20/10/2018 at 23:17, Gemma7 said:

This is OCD, what you are experiencing is common and it is a common fear. What you need to do is look to getting help in dealing with your OCD. 

Have you been diagnosed with OCD? 

Sorry I didn’t see the message above, yes I was diagnosed back in 2013 even though I’ve been battling with the thoughts for many years before hand. I’ve only just recently got the right sort of help back in April as before that I was flippantly just shrugged off. I could do with some more therapy sessions and my psychiatrist said he would look into it, but on the plans that were written up and on the copy sent to me there is no mention of looking into more sessions on the next step bit :/ 

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14 hours ago, muddledmother said:

I know, I’m sorry I’ve seeker reassurance, normally I can just let things go but this one has totally got me and has made me question if I should be her mum anymore. I’m panicking every time I change her nappy now, although I am getting on with it as best I can and trying not to think about it too much when im actually changing it. I’m just worried that I actually acted on this one and even though I didn’t abuse her I still put my hand there when I really shouldn’t have :/

Keep calm and keep on changing those nappies, it'll pass.

When that giant OCD rubber band swoops down and throws us into an injected mode of panic, it isn't easy. Just treat this with the disdain it deserves. 

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