ERP Begins tomorrow

[Atlantis]

So after the best part of 17 years spent avoiding contact with kids because of POCD, my therapist is taking me to a very busy toy shop during the school holidays. Personally, I would rather go back to Afghanistan but I know that this is crucial to beat OCD. He's said he will force me to stay in the situation, he has told me to purposely think the thoughts of "I want to harm" etc and that when the anxiety reaches 70%, the mind is unable to think rationally. Currently I feel a mix of excitedness and fear.. excited to get this evil condition on the back foot, and fear in case it goes wrong.. or doesn't work.. 

 

just wondered if anyone else has done ERP for fear of harming? 

 

thanks.

[Gemma7]

I've done lots of exposures, i don't think on harm thoughts but i have had harm thoughts. As long as you go in with a clear idea of what you are doing, not doing the usual compulsions you do in that situation, you will be fine. It will be hard but your anxiety will reduce. 

Good luck

[Atlantis]

Yes, thanks Gemma your response means a lot! He said that I am to deliberately think the thoughts and not to argue with them because it's the arguing that sets off the need to check. I will update this thread regulary in case anyone else out there is going through the same thing.. 

 

Time to get my game face on.

[Atlantis]

So the first two days of ERP.

 

Day one - was made by my therapist to go into a toy shop with him, get as close to kids as possible without running away and using avoidance tactics. The shop wasn't as busy as expected so the fear factor wasn't what it needed to be to get the full benefit of the ERP. 

 

Day two - today, was total hell on earth for me.. was instructed to go into a cinema showing a kids film, to sit in the middle. There was no seats in the middle so we were at the end. This is a situation I would never put myself into, ever, as I won't even sit next to a kid where I can help it. However this is where the real fear kicked in. A minute after we took our seats of course, more kids wanted to pass us to get down the row. We stood up, as one normally would in a cinema to let people pass. Nothing happened, I was in control and all was going well - or so I thought.. 

30 mins later, a young girl got up and began moving down the row to get out meaning she would have to pass us. The fear kicked in but I was in control, this is right up until she got close to me and the therapist said that I should not stand up, just move my legs to the side - which I did, but instead of shimmying past, the kid decided to step over my legs one leg at a time meaning my legs ended up in between her legs, contact was made and within milliseconds the OCD thoughts and urges about wanting to touch her parts came in with such speed! Now I do not know if I moved deliberately on these thoughts, whether it was an involuntary micro movement or muscles tensing up but contact was made with the girl and immediately I felt like I had acted on the thought and I was repulsed. 

Shortly after this I told my therapist I wanted to leave the cinema, and after a little debate he agreed. The exercise itself was meant to keep me in the situation until the anxiety faded as it would with an aracnaphobe in a room full of spiders (eventually) however the way my OCD works is that if I suffer a spike then instantly I begin ruminations, checking and I am automatically locked in these thoughts, and not on my surroundings therefore the anxiety does not decrease. 

After this the therapist said that he thought the kid was too tall for my knee to make contact with her 'parts'. This reduced the anxiety a lot.

An interesting point was made however, that if I did move on the thought that I wanted to touch the kids parts, that because it was NOT done for sexual gratification, then it would not be classed as what my OCD causes me to believe, as a sex crime. 

anyway, just thought I'd share my experience and will continue to do so

[Gemma7]

Well done Atlantis it sounds like you are really making progress

On your first day it wasn't as busy so you didn't get the full effect of the ERP,  but considering you would have avoided the situation, it is still excellent.

As for the cinema experience, it sounds like you learnt a lot from it, so again well done. 

Great to hear from someone going through therapy, i think reading your experiences will really help people

[PolarBear]

I know it's hard. That's a big exposure you fid. Keep going. Try to work a bit on not analyzing the experience. Let it happen, get anxious, let the thoughts come, stave off compulsions, let the anxiety dissipate, keep on with your day. Takes practice.

[Atlantis]

Yeah so next week a colleague of the therapist has volunteered her baby to be a part of the exercise..  I am to hold the baby in my lap in all different positions and think the thoughts, make the movements and also stay thinking that I am what I fear, could take days, could take weeks..I feel sick at the thought, but also a determination to get this condition on the ropes for a change bleeding profusely.