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Advice, medication and slipping back


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Hello.

Past few days I feel I'm returning to how I was in a bad way. I'm not sure if this coincides with starting a new pack of Sertraline but under a different manufacturer. Does this make a difference? I'm getting the same side effects as I was when I first started (these completely disappeared by the end of the pack) but starting this new pack I feel something is different and I'm ruminating a lot again about the night out and feeling the panic in my chest. It just seems a bit coincidental.

Can you ask for a specific brand of medication, is there any difference? I'm not sure if I'm just overthinking this, I'm wondering if I'm just making everything up and playing up to things. 

Thanks.

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Anyone? I'm really having a bad time today and now just said something to someone in work which was really snotty and I don't know why I said it and it wasn't meant nastily and I feel so awkward, don't know why I said it but it wasn't meant nastily.

I was going to phone the pharmacy to see if I can return the new set of tabs and order the old ones in as I'm not feeling good with these. But then I'm wondering if I'm just playing up. That feeling in my chest is back and just feel so agitated and like I want to burst into tears.

Edited by Headwreck
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Hi Headwreck,

1 hour ago, Headwreck said:

I'm not sure if I'm just overthinking this, I'm wondering if I'm just making everything up and playing up to things. 

My money is on a heightened state of anxiety creating all this!

I had a similar experience myself when starting new meds, including the manufacturer ingredients theory, but given time, things levelled themselves out.

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Thanks Felix. I'm also having physical symptoms though such as more visits to the toilet with upset stomach etc (sorry for too much info) so I know it's not all entirely in my head. So should I just wait for a while? The other tabs were working great, it's only since this new batch that everything seems to be going wrong.

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If you are overly concerned, then you should really see your GP!

Having said that, meds can take weeks (up to 12 I think) to take full effect, and in that time anxiety can be all over the place. So if you have only just started the meds, then I would give it more time. 

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I called the pharmacy but they said it doesn't matter about the manufacturer and side effects are normal. I understand that but I wasn't having any until I started these tabs over the weekend. But I'll try and stick with them and see if it balances out as you said. Thanks Felix.

Just feel so teary, agitated and my heart is pounding, it hasn't been like this for weeks. Can't stop thinking I'm mental and that I play up to things for attention and as an excuse.

Edited by Headwreck
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Stop thinking about it. You are your own worst enemy. One thing is slightly off, you work yourself into a tizzy and suddenly everything is wrong.

You are creating your symptoms. No one has perfect days every day. You won't either. Feeling anxious is normal. There doesn't have to be a reason. It's what you do about it that makes a difference. And what should you do? Nothing. Get on with your day. Relax. Smile.

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There's a phrase in statistics: "Correlation does not imply causation"

Put simply, it means just because two things happen at the same time, or seem related, doesn't mean they are.  For example, did you know that the per capita consumption of margarine (oleo) in the US correlates highly with the divorce rate in the state of Maine?  Who knew!

Sometimes you feel bad.  Sometimes it is related to changing medication, sometimes its not.  Brand of medication shouldn't make a difference.  Have you been taking the medication regularly or did you stop for awhile and are now starting again?  Is there anything else going on in your life that can be adding to stress? Its possible something else could be happening (illness,  your menstrual cycle, other medication) that is affecting how the OCD medication is reacting.  Basically there are lots of possibilities and regardless of which one is or isn't involved, so long as the symptoms you are experiencing aren't severe, the best thing to do is give it some time.

 

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Thank you both. I am going to keep on them for now and see if it gets any better but at the moment feeling very unwell both physically and mentally.

I can't stop wondering why I now think I did something now when I didn't think that before. But then not sure if I did know about it in the past but it just didn't bother me because I was so convinced about my partner cheating. My chest is so heavy again and feel physically unwell. Why did I ever get myself in that position in the first place? If I had done something then I'm sure I would know even when drunk, I don't know if I knew on the night, I feel as though I knew about it on the night but forgot the next day. I'm so upset and confused. I just cannot let this go.

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I really don't know what to do. How can it be OCD, it's a valid concern. I keep wondering if I knew or not. Feel like I'm losing my mind.

Maybe I never truly knew but said nothing happened as a confident guess. My life is a mess.

Edited by Headwreck
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3 minutes ago, Headwreck said:

How can it be OCD, it's a valid concern.

Simple, OCD doesn't mean you only worry about made up/irrational things.  Many OCD worries are about completely real, completely rational concerns.  For example awhile back my OCD worry was focused on having a heart attack.  Heart attacks are real things, they are a real cause of concern in the world.  Or someones OCD worry might be "what if I get fired from my job".  Again, a real event that many people experience in life.

The problem with OCD is not that your fear is impossible/imaginary, its that your response to the fear is disproportionate to reality. 

For example, consider the following scenario:  I'm sitting in a nice comfy chair, reading a book.  Its a nice day, i'm having a nice time.  I go to turn the page of my book and "OUCH" I just gave myself a paper cut.  Well shoot, now i'm bleeding, what happens next:

Normal response: I get up, wash my finger off, put on a bandage and go back to reading.

OCD response:  "Oh no, did I get blood on anything?  Should I call the doctor?  Maybe i need a tetanus shot.  I was reading this book in the bathroom the other day, maybe their is feces particles on the pages. What if they got in my blood.  Should I worry about blood poisoning?  What if the person reading this book before me had AIDS?  Now I might have AIDS if they cut their finger too and go blood on the book..."

You see where this is going?  When OCD latches on to an anxiety our minds essentially go in to overdrive with worry and that results in a response that is completely out of proportion with reality.  Its not that normal people never have these kind of thoughts, or make mistakes and think about them later, or any of that.  Its that they (usually) don't go so far overboard reacting to them.

The memory/thought/worry you have might be entirely real.
The anxiety you feel is definitely real.  If you have a feeling its a real feeling.
BUT that doesn't mean the OUTCOME you fear is likely or worth the amount of effort you are spending on it.  And ruminating/analyzing/worrying about it almost certainly isn't going to change anything.

You are NEVER going to be able to answer the question in your head with 100% certainty, its just not possible, the universe doesn't work that way.  You can continue analyzing the situation to death, but that won't change. Continuing down that path is like trying to fly to the edge of the universe, its just not gonna happen no matter how hard you try.  You need to decide that you aren't going to know the answer to this question and decide to be ok with that, EVEN THOUGH you will keep feeling doubt.  Those are the only two options.

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Thanks for this. I understand completely and know what I should be doing etc. but it's impossible. The guilt is immense and I don't feel as though I should be living my life, I only deserve bad things. I don't know why I didn't know about it until now. Sorry anyway I should just stop.

Can you know if you are in denial? Is denial a mental disorder?

Edited by Headwreck
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13 hours ago, Headwreck said:

but it's impossible. The guilt is immense and I don't feel as though I should be living my life, I only deserve bad things. I don't know why I didn't know about it until now. Sorry anyway I should just stop.

It may be hard, but its not impossible.  OCD is lying to you about recovery being impossible.

You can choose not to accept the guilt.  You can choose to accept that the OCD is making you feel more anxiety about this than a normal person would.  You will likely still have the intrusive thought about whatever incident is causing you to feel guilty for some time, its true, but you don't have to accept that that thought is meaningful.

You should stop being so hard on yourself.  You should accept that you have OCD.
You should stop torturing yourself about an event from your past that you can't change.  You should work on recovering from your OCD and living your life, which you absolutely deserve to do even if you have made mistakes/done bad things in the past.

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9 hours ago, dksea said:

It may be hard, but its not impossible.  OCD is lying to you about recovery being impossible.

You can choose not to accept the guilt.  You can choose to accept that the OCD is making you feel more anxiety about this than a normal person would.  You will likely still have the intrusive thought about whatever incident is causing you to feel guilty for some time, its true, but you don't have to accept that that thought is meaningful.

You should stop being so hard on yourself.  You should accept that you have OCD.
You should stop torturing yourself about an event from your past that you can't change.  You should work on recovering from your OCD and living your life, which you absolutely deserve to do even if you have made mistakes/done bad things in the past.

Thanks for your advice dksea. I feel like a broken record but this has been a whole year of this as of this month. It's gone from thinking I had sex to thinking I did something sexual to now being sure it was nothing special but maybe a kiss. It's morphed and changed throughout the year. The 4 years previously were hell on earth at the time (when I obsessed about my partner cheating) but I'd have that back in a heartbeat over this, this is focused on myself and I cannot live with what I've done. It's not so much the consequences but the fact I've done it to my partner and he is such a loyal and genuine person. I feel like a piece of garbage who deserves nothing but bad. It's been difficult just to be alive this past year and I don't know how I can keep this up if it turns into a 4 year thing like the last one.

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On 25/10/2018 at 00:42, Headwreck said:

I really don't know what to do. How can it be OCD, it's a valid concern. I keep wondering if I knew or not. Feel like I'm losing my mind.

Maybe I never truly knew but said nothing happened as a confident guess. My life is a mess.

Stop trying to answer these silly OCD obsessions. Trying to answer them is what drags you down.

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5 hours ago, Headwreck said:

Thanks for your advice dksea. I feel like a broken record but this has been a whole year of this as of this month. It's gone from thinking I had sex to thinking I did something sexual to now being sure it was nothing special but maybe a kiss. It's morphed and changed throughout the year. The 4 years previously were hell on earth at the time (when I obsessed about my partner cheating) but I'd have that back in a heartbeat over this, this is focused on myself and I cannot live with what I've done. It's not so much the consequences but the fact I've done it to my partner and he is such a loyal and genuine person. I feel like a piece of garbage who deserves nothing but bad. It's been difficult just to be alive this past year and I don't know how I can keep this up if it turns into a 4 year thing like the last one.

It could turn into a four-year thing if you keep doing the same old thing. 

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Hi Headwreck,

I’ve had my meds from different manufacturers. I too went a bit up and down. It did level out again, and like some have said I put this down to the meds just fluctuating whist they get in your system properly. It can take a few months. 

When the thoughts come try really really hard to give them a ‘whatever’ and a shrug. It’s been a constant, so this isn’t going to correct overnight. You really have to change your thought process. I know you have tried really hard, but the meds will eventually help the anxiety if they haven’t already and you need to retrain your brain to treat these thoughts as a nothing. I found what I’ve said about in the past helpful, when I say ‘oh I can feel the OCD trying its tricks again’ or whatever you want to say. 

You will get there! X

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Thank you. Yes I've decided to just give the tablets time to settle, I guess it's early in the process but I can't help but notice that I'm feeling lower than I was a few weeks back.

It doesn't make sense though, how can something be seen as a nothing event, was certain nothing happened etc but then years later be the only thing I think about and think I did something? It's so confusing, I've never felt so lost in my life.

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It’s called OCD! Any little doubt it can chuck our way, it will try! 

I also think that when you have OCD you are far more sensitive than most in a few ways, but one being that you’re very aware of your moods (or at least I am) and when things do improve a little, but then anxiety sets in again, we take it as an enormous set back, or at least bigger than it is, and maybe notice it far more than a person without OCD. The thing I remind myself of is that everyone has down days, everyone has low times, it’s how we choose to deal with it that counts. 

Keep going as you are making progress, even if you think you aren’t x

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Thanks for the kind words, it does help. And PB you certainly are right, doing the same thing is only going to get me the same result. It's just very difficult. When I'm not thinking about 'that', I'm wondering if I really have OCD, or I'm wondering about if I'll always think I've done something. Then if I don't think about it, I'm asking myself if I'm allowing myself to forget it on purpose. It's not how a person thinks, who wonders about when they'll stop thinking that they've done something or wondering if they are ill with something they have been diagnosed with previously (although I was diagnosed over 15 years ago and I had a few years of no symptoms so there is a possibility it's not OCD, diagnosis is out of date or not severe enough to be treated)? You couldn't make it up. Also as you've said Dragonfly, extremely conscious of feelings, moods, ie if I feel like this then this means that... it's a neverending cycle, forgotten how to feel without analysis.

Thankfully though the tablets seem to have settled now, still not great but better than I was. I know I shouldn't but I keep wanting to ask, does it mean it's OCD if the tablets are working? Would they work for someone who wasn't ill? I just feel as though I literally doubt absolutely everything.

Edited by Headwreck
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That’s why OCD is also known as the doubting disease. That’s it’s job, to get us doubting, and it’s unfortunately very good at it.

The best you can try to stop going over the questions and what if’s about the meds etc, just label those thoughts too as OCD and give them a ‘whatever’ and move on. It will get easier, but you have to keep working on it. 

You are doing so well though! Keep going! :)

Edited by Dragonfly
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I don't feel like I'm doing well at all... I hope you are doing okay though Dragonfly and thanks for being so supportive.

Today I'm desperate to talk to my partner about it but when I think about what I'm going to say, I don't know if it's true or not? I just want to say it so that he knows there is a chance it happened and then he can decide what to do. But part of me thinks it's all a load of rubbish, but how do I know that it didn't happen and I don't remember? I don't know what I think or know anymore. Does this make any sense? I feel so numb.

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Just feels as though I'm trying to battle through every day. Sometimes I don't think I've done anything, others I do, sometimes I'm indifferent. Trying hard not to analyse but it's hard not to because none of it makes sense, probably because I've thought about it so much.

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