Intrusive thoughts vs ruminations

[Guest PaulM]

I was wondering if anyone has intrusive thoughts that are a bit like ruminations.

I had a girlfriend that dumped me 16 months ago. It's been a downward spiral since. I try to start my day with a clear head, but that lasts about 3 seconds before upsetting thoughts show up regarding the experience and the hurt. I don't want to have these thoughts. It's like being haunted. Actually, it is pretty much haunting me. I don't know what to do anymore. I can catch myself going down that path and try to refocus. But every day for the last 16 months it just persists.

I've been told things like "time heals all wounds" but I don't believe that at the moment. Time might habituate me to missing her. But what happened, how it happened, and the things that happened for a few months after keep coming back. Is this OCD? Or something else?

[paradoxer]

The fact that you're asking whether what you describe is OCD, might just be a clue. 

[Guest PaulM]

I suppose I should have stayed on topic about intrusive thoughts.

[gingerbreadgirl]

Intrusive thoughts and rumination can feel the same but they're actually very different.

The intrusive thought is the first thought that arrives against your will.  Rumination is what you then do with that thought.  Rumination can feel very automatic, but it isn't. 

If you don't do anything with that initial thought, if you just let it lie there, don't push it away, don't try and figure it out, don't do anything with it, then it will fade relatively quickly.  If you've been ruminating on it for several months then it may take longer to fade, you will likely have a strong anxiety response.  But still it will fade if you just shrug your shoulders and allow it to fade, in its own time.

Ruminating is what you do once the thought hits.  This can be anything - trying to figure it out, dwelling on what it means/how bad it is/how miserable it makes you feel/analysing it, trying to push it away/make yourself feel better (or even make yourself feel worse - self-punishment/wallowing etc)/thinking about why it won't go away/thinking about how it is different from other thoughts/how time doesn't heal etc.  Anything you do to analyse the thought - or do anything with it - is engaging with the content and that process is under your control, even if it doesn't feel like it.

Tomorrow when you wake up and the thought hits, you can change the script - bit by bit.  You can think "oh look, there's a thought about my ex." Welcome the thought in, accept it, but don't do anything with it, just think "fine you can stay as long as you want, but I've got stuff to do." Don't try and figure it out, or resolve it, or push it away.  Just let it be there.  

[bruces]

I saw my ex girlfriend from 5 years ago the other. Ugh this at the football match and my anxiety went absolutely crazy! 

[Guest PaulM]

On 25/10/2018 at 00:00, gingerbreadgirl said:

Intrusive thoughts and rumination can feel the same but they're actually very different.

The intrusive thought is the first thought that arrives against your will.  Rumination is what you then do with that thought.  Rumination can feel very automatic, but it isn't. 

Thanks gingerbreadgirl. I've since been to my therapist and he said the same. I really appreciate you taking the time to explain it.

He also said my reaction to the breakup is something other than OCD, but that my obsession prone brain is going to make it last longer if I'm not careful. He was talking to me about other conditions that are manifesting as a result. It's a bit of a mess, but getting the picture together will hopefully help.

[Guest PaulM]

On 25/10/2018 at 08:10, bruces said:

I saw my ex girlfriend from 5 years ago the other. Ugh this at the football match and my anxiety went absolutely crazy! 

Sorry bruces. Yeah, I can understand that. I avoided the Halloween events this weekend because I didn't want to risk running into her. Actually, I avoid a lot of things, which probably isn't good.

[bruces]

It's awful isn't it 

[Guest PaulM]

17 hours ago, bruces said:

It's awful isn't it 

Yes. In my case I lost most of my regular support system as a result. Some were mutual friends that I had met her through. Others were people I'd been friends with for years who started leaving me out of things. I left a volunteer job I'd had for 5 years because it hurt less to choose to isolate than be pushed away. That's not meant to sound like self pity. On the contrary it was necessary for me to protect myself from getting hurt by more people.

The only relief I've had was a brief visit to another part of the country. I didn't want to come back here. I know I have an issue with associations. And depression.

Of course, OCD doesn't help. While grief and loss themselves are normal, catching things like these intrusive thoughts and not engaging with them is another challenge altogether.

Do you do any writing or creative pursuits? I've written more stuff in the last 16 months than I probably ever have. Even yesterday I finished off something I had started writing before. My therapist says it's a good thing to do. I even read him what I'd written on the bus going to my last appointment with him.

[bruces]

I work and socialise abbot but not particularly anything creative.