Anxious about how to handle Christmas

[gingerbreadgirl]

Last Christmas was awful, my ocd was the worst it's ever been. Now I'm much better but in worried about the possibility of getting set back again this year. I am spending a couple of days with my family without my partner (who is the only one who knows about my ocd). I love my family but they can be very over bearing especially at Christmas and they can sometimes be quite careless in what they say, and without my partner there they will probably be even more so . I am dreading it, I don't feel able to cope with it at all but I have no choice obviously (and I love my family, of course, and want to go but maybe for less time). Also my mum can pick up on when something's wrong and will likely ask me but I don't want to tell her, I really don't. 

Any tips for how to cope?

[Binxy]

OH GBG... remember how far you have come since last Christmas. Don't walk into it thinking it will be a disaster. It'll be what you make of it- get involved and enjoy the time with your family. There will no doubt be folks on here if you need to duck out for some support.

Remember how well you did with your holiday though( as least I think that's what it was...)- you were worried about that too and you nailed it.

You've got this GBG.

Edited October 26, 2018 by Binxy

[gingerbreadgirl]

Thanks binx. I'm sure you're right  - I did worry about the holiday and it was fine.

Sometimes my mum has a bit of a habit of  "saving things up" that she's wanted to say to me when alone and for that reason I am often uneasy about being alone with her. I never know what it might be. I am very oversensitive and my mum can be quite brutally honest, especially after a few drinks! I just can't deal with two days worth of all the jollility etc. I don't want to blame my family at all because they are just enjoying themselves, and I'm so lucky to have such a lovely family  - I am the issue I know I just feel, aargh.

[taurean]

It seems to me that your Mum is the most feared "threat"  to your emotional wellbeing. 

How you handle Mum would probably benefit from some separate consideration as a project. My wife used to really fear my Mum when we first took up together; My Mum was opinionated and a deputy headmistress so definitely an alpha female, and was concerned that I was taking up with someone of very different political views (to her and me) and had been married before, so in Mum's eyes my OH was the fault behind the first marriage failing - which actually wasn't so at all. 

So we worked through this together - and me with my Mum. I soon knocked the deputy headmistress thing on the head fairly quickly as it was hypocritical - since her own Mum had also been a deputy headmistress 

Gradually they became the very best of friends. 

I know your difficulties with your Mum are challenging, you have mentioned them elsewhere, but the amateur psychologist within me - from 44 years as an agent dealing as middleman with all sorts of people in all kinds of deals  - reckons there is a way to defuse things amicably for the future - it's there somewhere and can be discovered.

For Christmas, perhaps the best way is to listen, nod your head and just say you'll think about it. 

And remember, using undeniable facts is an incredibly powerful tool to use if someone is being overpressing - because they are undeniable they take all the wind and bluster out of the other person's sails

 

Edited October 26, 2018 by taurean

[Caramoole]

How far away does your Mum live?  Maybe a non-stay-over visit for an afternoon earlier in December might offer the opportunity/stage for her to do what you think she'll do.  That way you can deal with it on a day where you'll be going back home.  You also have to accept that although she's your Mum, you're no longer a little girl or a child, you're an adult and can give her that look and say "Mum.....I'm not being rude but I'd rather not go there" and then turn the conversation back to something benign.  It can be trick establishing an adult/adult relationship with parents but it's something that we need to work on.  

[gingerbreadgirl]

Hi both,

Thank you very much for your great advice, as always.

I really feel I must say at this point that my mum is an incredibly kind and sweet person - I think I have given the impression here and elsewhere that she isn't nice and that really isn't the case.  We have a great relationship most of the time, and she would be devastated to read what I've put here.  That said - I do feel often wary around her, and that is I think because her approval is of paramount importance to me and I constantly feel like I could be on the cusp of losing it (again - my problem, not hers).  She is quite a dominant and imposing personality and I suppose I always feel like I am trying to impress her.  

She does live close enough for me to visit - but mostly I go with my OH.  This will be the first time in a long time I have been there by myself.  This will probably be good ERP - and show me that I was worrying about nothing!

I feel massively guilty for writing all this and really it isn't just my mum, but Christmas in general, and me feeling still kinda fragile.  Christmas at our house is always a very loud affair, everyone is sort of expected to be having fun 100% of the time - a vibe which I loved 10 years ago but now find very tiring.  

Anyway thank you both for your thoughtful replies as always - I hope you're both well x

 

[taurean]

No need for any guilt at all GBG, I read more into the situation, that's all. 

I still think listening but not ostensibly agreeing  could be a good strategy - I have as you have probably guessed, used that one often to ease away from disagreement;  including with my OH -  as you may remember we use a high controversiality stopper to avoid conflict and go away to reconsider, regroup. 

 

Edited October 26, 2018 by taurean

[Dragonfly]

Hi Gbg,

I always seem to suffer at Christmas too OCD wise (and other times too that should otherwise be happy occasions; holidays, birthdays etc), and the guilt is enormous if I don’t see my mum at Christmas.

I have (finally) learnt some management skills for my OCD. Anybody that is likely to heighten my anxiety because of the way they make me feel, whether it’s intentional or not, I manage the situation. Like Caramol said above, I now visit my mum but I keep it short. It really works for me, and she does comment I don’t stay long, but for the good of my health and our relationship this is how it is. 

My mum can be lovely, but likewise she can make me quite anxious too. I cannot feel guilty for that, and nor should you about your mum. I also apply this rule to certain friends now, as I look on it that I am looking after my health and in turn making sure myself and my own family are happy. As my most recent therapist said to me, they’re the ones that ultimately matter, and likewise although of course your mum and family matter, you and your partner are the ones that ultimately matter too, she’s your very immediate family. 

I used to be suffering so badly with anxiety and OCD and taking on everybody else’s opinions and trying to please. Since I’ve stopped that my OCD has improved and recently I celebrated my birthday, and it’s the first birthday in absolute years that I’ve really enjoyed. I put this down to my taking control. 

Hope you don’t think I sound harsh, I truly don’t mean to, but sometimes you have to put yourself first! It isn’t selfish, it’s looking after your health! X

 

 

[gingerbreadgirl]

Hi dragonfly,

Thanks very much for your thoughtful post  - I remember you saying before that you have a difficult relationship with your mum and it sounds like you have found a healthy way you deal with it. Don't worry you don't sound harsh at all, it is important to draw healthy boundaries. 

My mum is extremely kind and generous and in many ways we get on very well. I have become increasingly aware though in recent years that I feel sometimes nervous around her. This is my issue not hers, and she would be devastated if she knew I felt like this. But nonetheless I do. I am really nervous about Christmas and anything she or someone else in my family might say which could set me back.  But this is just something I need to find a way to deal with.

Thanks again  x 

[taurean]

2 hours ago, gingerbreadgirl said:

I have become increasingly aware though in recent years that I feel sometimes nervous around her.

 

2 hours ago, gingerbreadgirl said:

I am really nervous about Christmas and anything she or someone else in my family might say which could set me back.

Just quoting these pieces, i think it shows what is at the heart of the problem .

So how might you "desensitise" your feelings, such that the individuals  don't set you back GBG? This looks like what to focus on.

Desensitisation from such issues does work. My wife and I used to have real problems when visiting my sister, as her house was always untidy, the kitchen especially, Plus she was a hoarder, and if you ventured upstairs the hoarded items were in plastic bags, all over the place and we dreaded to  think what was in the loft.

So, we worked on this concept of desensitisation. We didn't seek any therapy for this, we worked out our own plan. 

On the train down to Croydon, we would ease ourselves into a sort of in-between stasis -  we accepted that, for a few hours or more, we needed to forgo what to us are normal standards of tidiness and declutter - and when we approached my sisters house we were in this mental frame of mind, our automatic emotional reaction switched off.. 

So the untidiness and the hoarding, whilst all around us, didn't register, we had a truly great time, and left with all parties happy.

We've used this technique successfully to deal with other family issues, adjusted to suit the particular issues, and it really has been truly brilliant. 

So maybe just think how can I work Roy and J's methodology so that my family don't unwittingly get to me? How can  I desensitise, how might I erect a temporary force field around my emotions so I don't emotionally react, and can ease myself away from any flare issues?

Using this psychological tool  has worked brilliantly for us with various family members   - it just needs the correct tack considered, and applied,  for dealing with the particular individual(s).

 

   

Edited November 1, 2018 by taurean

[gingerbreadgirl]

12 hours ago, taurean said:

 

Just quoting these pieces, i think it shows what is at the heart of the problem .

So how might you "desensitise" your feelings, such that the individuals  don't set you back GBG? This looks like what to focus on.

Desensitisation from such issues does work. My wife and I used to have real problems when visiting my sister, as her house was always untidy, the kitchen especially, Plus she was a hoarder, and if you ventured upstairs the hoarded items were in plastic bags, all over the place and we dreaded to  think what was in the loft.

So, we worked on this concept of desensitisation. We didn't seek any therapy for this, we worked out our own plan. 

On the train down to Croydon, we would ease ourselves into a sort of in-between stasis -  we accepted that, for a few hours or more, we needed to forgo what to us are normal standards of tidiness and declutter - and when we approached my sisters house we were in this mental frame of mind, our automatic emotional reaction switched off.. 

So the untidiness and the hoarding, whilst all around us, didn't register, we had a truly great time, and left with all parties happy.

We've used this technique successfully to deal with other family issues, adjusted to suit the particular issues, and it really has been truly brilliant. 

So maybe just think how can I work Roy and J's methodology so that my family don't unwittingly get to me? How can  I desensitise, how might I erect a temporary force field around my emotions so I don't emotionally react, and can ease myself away from any flare issues?

Using this psychological tool  has worked brilliantly for us with various family members   - it just needs the correct tack considered, and applied,  for dealing with the particular individual(s).

 

   

This is great advice, thanks Roy. I will do my best to sort of disconnect and zone out a bit. My big worry is that my mum will say something critical about my other half behind her back (which she has been known to do in the past) which I really can't stand because my OH never does  that. I know it would really upset me and I would feel compelled to tell my partner about it which may upset my partner who already worries about her relationship with my mum. 

[taurean]

3 hours ago, gingerbreadgirl said:

This is great advice, thanks Roy. I will do my best to sort of disconnect and zone out a bit. My big worry is that my mum will say something critical about my other half behind her back (which she has been known to do in the past) which I really can't stand because my OH never does  that. I know it would really upset me and I would feel compelled to tell my partner about it which may upset my partner who already worries about her relationship with my mum. 

Understood. So there is a chain of connections from the original "what if"  thought with the potential to cause upset to you and your other half. 

So maybe the secondary line of defence, behind the desensitisation, is a method of "spoking"  that circle of distress so that it doesn't complete the circle and stops the distress. 

How therefore might you do that? 

Perhaps by letting any such comment from mum sail over you without reacting, then quickly refocusing the conversation away. And if necessary repeating that. And not allowing the conversation to go back there. Reacting, trying to counter the comment, continuing the dialogue would be connecting with it, and would then lead to the compulsive urge. Plus arguments. 

It's a technique politicians use to dodge questions and it can be pretty effective. 

I have also craftily used it in business to steer away from areas where my arguments were weak. 

 

Edited November 2, 2018 by taurean

[gingerbreadgirl]

This is great advice, thank you Roy.  I will try to disconnect and not respond (but not agree either) and just keep the peace.

Hope you're doing well x

[gingerbreadgirl]

I don't want to come across like I don't appreciate my family because I do - and I know how lucky I am.  I guess just like every family there are some issues, and me being me I am very oversensitive to them!

[dksea]

Hmm Well if Christmas is causing you so much trouble, you could always convert to Judaism and celebrate Hannukah instead No drama there right?

 

Holidays can be  fun but they can also be stressful. My advice is to allow yourself to have some alone time to de-stress and be ok with not having to be ON 100% of the time. It doesn’t need to be a big deal, maybe just step away for 10-15 minutes. Hopefully you can step away without having to say anything, just slip out for a few minutes. If someone asks you can keep it simple and say “oh just stepping out for a second to cool down/catch my breath/recharge”. Or you can just say you have to use the loo .  It’s great to have fun with family, but your health is important too!  Be sure to take care of yourself!

[gingerbreadgirl]

Thanks Dksea, you're right.  For some reason my family has a weird effect on me and in some ways I revert back to being a kid and feel I have a lack of control over what I do and when.  But you're right, I just need to take some time out and take care of my mental health! Thanks