Long term obsession

[Headwreck]

I understand that obsessions change but I've been worried about this one for a year now (literally every single day) and the last one a number of years (again, every single day). I have other worries which may take over but they only usually last a few hours or so and then the normal one returns. When I truly get stuck on something, it sticks around for years.

Even without a high state of anxiety, I can think nonchalantly and still believe the worry is true. It's as though my mind is completely convinced (even without the effect of anxiety) and can stay that way for years. I recall this also happened with my last long term obsession which lasted 4 years. Can anyone else relate to this because I've not seen this referred to at all really? I feel like I'm under some kind of remote mind control!

Thanks.

Edited November 4, 2018 by Headwreck

[gingerbreadgirl]

I can totally relate to this, I had a long term obsession that even when I had beaten the anxiety I still had this underlying belief that the thought was rational. Rome wasn't built in a day and it takes a long time to truly dismantle an underlying belief if you have been reaffirming that belief for a long time.

[hedvig]

Me too. I’ve had the same obsessions for years too. Polarbear usually describes how his obsessions stuck around for about 40 years if I’m not mistaken. I think this is why the cognitive work is so important. Medication might help lift your mood and take away the anxiety but unless you do something about the way you think and try to challenge the beliefs you have about yourself you’ll remain stuck. 

[PolarBear]

The reason an obsession sticks around is because you keep feeding it. With compulsions. An obsession is like a fire. You want the fire to go away but you keep adding fuel to the fire. 

Take the fuel away and the fire will wither and die. 

[Headwreck]

Thanks for the responses, I'm glad it isn't only me that this has happened to. I'm just concerned that I'm going to think this way for the rest of my life, there is always fuel for the fire.

I think my whole past is a disgrace, so many black marks against my name that I wish I could remove because my past is horrible, dirty almost, and I'm not decent. I know this thinking is no good and nobody here can console me, but finding it extremely difficult as every thought I have I'm always analysing, questioning and doubting. It's as though I don't know myself or anything I have done, as though I've just been delivered into the middle of this random life with no back story. Sick of it.

Edited November 5, 2018 by Headwreck

[Em00]

Totally relate... 

[dksea]

18 hours ago, Headwreck said:

I'm just concerned that I'm going to think this way for the rest of my life, there is always fuel for the fire.

You can change it.  You have the power to make that choice and change it.  Its up to you.

 

18 hours ago, Headwreck said:

I think my whole past is a disgrace, so many black marks against my name that I wish I could remove because my past is horrible, dirty almost, and I'm not decent.

You can't change the past, you can change the future.  Again, thats up to you.

 

18 hours ago, Headwreck said:

t finding it extremely difficult as every thought I have I'm always analysing, questioning and doubting.

Again, YOU CAN CHANGE THIS.  You will only be stuck this way as long as you choose to remain stuck this way.

Yes you have OCD, yes that makes it harder to change, but you can still change this.

Imagine you are wake up one morning to find yourself in a forest, surrounded by trees.  You have no idea how you got there, and you don't know which way to go.  You don't want to be trapped in the forest, you want to get out.  Ok great, so what do you do?  Obviously you start walking, pick a direction and go.  Eventually you'll get out of the forest if you do that.  What you are doing right now though, is different.  What you are doing right now is akin to waking up in the forest, realizing your trapped, and not trying to walk out.  Oh sure occasionally you take a step or two, but then you look around and decide "i'm still trapped in the forest, I will never get out, things will never change" so you give up and sit back down again.  Just because you are in the middle of the OCD forrest now doesn't mean you will always be there.  But in order to get out of the forrest YOU HAVE TO START WALKING.  The path may not always be straight, you may have to take a few steps backward sometimes before moving forward again, it might take awhile, but so long as you keep going eventually you will get out.  But the best part is you don't even have to wonder which direction to go.  Thanks to groups like OCD-UK and doctors and therapists everywhere, you not only know that its possible to get out of the forrest, you know which path to follow to get out quicker.  Its still a rough path, its no stroll in the park, but you have a path in front of you to follow IF you choose to follow it.  Its entirely up to you.  Do you want to stay stuck in the forest or are you ready to start walking out?

[Headwreck]

Thank you everyone. It's nice to know that people understand. It's easy to feel as though you're an alien when it comes to this stuff. Always nice to know there are people here who can relate so, thank you.

Dksea, thanks for the detailed post. Have been reminding myself of your forest analogy over the week and trying to continue to make changes. My mind is still occupied with my concerns for the majority of the day but difference is, I can function in work and at home. I refuse to have discussions about it, mention it or anything else I used to do, I just try to get by. I still ruminate but I try to disengage as much as I can. I have new thoughts about this concern but I know the best thing to do is to leave it alone to let my mind cool off. That cool down is the difference between rational and irrational, truth and lie. One minute I'll be 100% invested in a thought only for my mind to say it was silly an hour later.

I'm 13 months in now, still don't think it's OCD, still can't see an end to this but can't do much else but keep going on with my days. Medication has made it a lot easier to make changes, I still obsess but it no longer gets as much of a rise from me; it's not at all gone but I am a lot easier to be around and I find it easier to cope with. I can only thank people here for helping me see that it was worth the risk. 

Edited November 11, 2018 by Headwreck

[dksea]

3 hours ago, Headwreck said:

My mind is still occupied with my concerns for the majority of the day but difference is, I can function in work and at home. I refuse to have discussions about it, mention it or anything else I used to do, I just try to get by. I still ruminate but I try to disengage as much as I can. I have new thoughts about this concern but I know the best thing to do is to leave it alone to let my mind cool off. That cool down is the difference between rational and irrational, truth and lie. One minute I'll be 100% invested in a thought only for my mind to say it was silly an hour later.

It sounds like you are definitely on the right track and I'm glad the forrest analogy helped, it was helpful for me too when my therapist used it to help me through my OCD and feeling like where I was would never change.  

 

3 hours ago, Headwreck said:

I'm 13 months in now, still don't think it's OCD, still can't see an end to this but can't do much else but keep going on with my days. Medication has made it a lot easier to make changes, I still obsess but it no longer gets as much of a rise from me; it's not at all gone but I am a lot easier to be around and I find it easier to cope with. I can only thank people here for helping me see that it was worth the risk. 

If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck   Hmmm I wonder if ducks get OCD 
Yeah medication helped me a lot too, i'm glad its helping you as well.  Keep up the good work and just do your best each day.  Some will be better than others, but if you keep it up, over time it will improve!

[Headwreck]

Thanks Dksea. I don't feel as though I'm getting anywhere and still not convinced it's OCD but there's nothing I can do to prove it is or isn't so have to just get on with it.

Just looking for some advice on something though. With regards to confessing etc., I haven't done that for a while but I do find myself planning on confessing through the day with the aim of doing so when I get home from work, which then makes me feel better but I don't actually carry the confession out. Is this also a compulsion? I recall also doing something similar previously with the last major obsession; I would get ready to question and ask for reassurance from my partner when I got home from work later in the day but would then not go through with it, just felt better knowing I had it planned to do? But would not act on it. Not sure if this makes sense!

Edited November 12, 2018 by Headwreck