Need advice asap please... panicking

[Caramoole]

Your gut feelings regarding your relationship aren't that at all.  Even the saying is misleading and deep down it simply means "What do you think deep down?"  But your gut reaction in this case is based on a million "factual" observations, behaviours, conversations, reactions etc, some blatant, some more subtle.

What you're going through is a massive shock, a trauma, a bereavement of sorts, loss, fear and all the rest.  It is going to shake you up.  Lean on your family and friends for support right now but more than ever, try not to let the stress let the OCD rear it's ugly head.  Even amongst this horrid situation you still have to be vigilant and apply the same knowledge and skills towards your OCD fears.

 

[gingerbreadgirl]

OCD hijacks your "gut" feeling (which, I agree with Caramoole, is a misnomer). It's not the same as having a feeling about a real situation which is, as Caramoole says, based on a host of real-life evidence. (Remember, you have no evidence for your false memory). 

With regards to gut feelings, and this popular wisdom that it is always right - there is a huge host of evidence that people's gut feelings are usually wrong.  But due to confirmation bias we usually only notice when we're right.  Feelings are not evidence, ever.  Evidence is evidence.  And with regards to your false memory, you have none whatsoever.

Take care of yourself Saz, be really kind with yourself during this incredibly painful and difficult time.  Leave OCD alone, don't pick at that scab, no matter how tempting.  Just try and do as much as you can to take care of yourself and your family, and let others take care of you as well.

Things will be OK xxx

 

 

[Saz]

57 minutes ago, Caramoole said:

Your gut feelings regarding your relationship aren't that at all.  Even the saying is misleading and deep down it simply means "What do you think deep down?"  But your gut reaction in this case is based on a million "factual" observations, behaviours, conversations, reactions etc, some blatant, some more subtle.

What you're going through is a massive shock, a trauma, a bereavement of sorts, loss, fear and all the rest.  It is going to shake you up.  Lean on your family and friends for support right now but more than ever, try not to let the stress let the OCD rear it's ugly head.  Even amongst this horrid situation you still have to be vigilant and apply the same knowledge and skills towards your OCD fears.

 

It is like a trauma or that someone's died caramoole, but it's so hard because the person I have lost is still alive. I had some hope that we may be ok the other day but I feel that has gone. I feel like I'm choking. Nothing he had said or done had made sense. I'm torturing myself with why's, how's and what ifs. I don't want to be with anybody else. My whole life had been turned upside down X

27 minutes ago, gingerbreadgirl said:

OCD hijacks your "gut" feeling (which, I agree with Caramoole, is a misnomer). It's not the same as having a feeling about a real situation which is, as Caramoole says, based on a host of real-life evidence. (Remember, you have no evidence for your false memory). 

With regards to gut feelings, and this popular wisdom that it is always right - there is a huge host of evidence that people's gut feelings are usually wrong.  But due to confirmation bias we usually only notice when we're right.  Feelings are not evidence, ever.  Evidence is evidence.  And with regards to your false memory, you have none whatsoever.

Take care of yourself Saz, be really kind with yourself during this incredibly painful and difficult time.  Leave OCD alone, don't pick at that scab, no matter how tempting.  Just try and do as much as you can to take care of yourself and your family, and let others take care of you as well.

Things will be OK xxx

 

 

That makes sense about the gut feeling. I'm obviously not thinking clearly at the moment. I don't thinking things will ever be ok GBG X

[Jules46]

Hi Saz

Just checking in, can see how it is in many ways the most natural and understandable thing whether you have ocd or not to question somuch what's, if's amd why did he, we dao that etc. OCD of course exacerbates these horrendous ruminations and twists the knife. I have also had 'gut feelings' which turned out to be seen very different after i had perspective on the break up. Really feeling for you, myself and others here plainly care about the person you truly are however hard it is to see yourself in a positive light  That feels a very genuine gut feeling By The Way x

[Saz]

13 hours ago, Jules46 said:

Hi Saz

Just checking in, can see how it is in many ways the most natural and understandable thing whether you have ocd or not to question somuch what's, if's amd why did he, we dao that etc. OCD of course exacerbates these horrendous ruminations and twists the knife. I have also had 'gut feelings' which turned out to be seen very different after i had perspective on the break up. Really feeling for you, myself and others here plainly care about the person you truly are however hard it is to see yourself in a positive light  That feels a very genuine gut feeling By The Way x

Thanks for thinking of me Jules.

I've not been great. It's been so difficult to understand what's happened. I've asked for an explanation but he just said he doesn't want to be with me anymore and it's over. I asked him is it over forever and he just said sorry. I'm back in work tomorrow and feel so sick. Sorry this is a gloomy reply, just heartbroken. Hope you are ok Jules. X

[Saz]

I am feeling really low but I'm trying to be strong. Please can anyone help? I have been thinking all day that I knew for months my partner didn't want to be with me and everyone kept saying he 'loves me' and 'don't be stupid of course he does' They seemed so certain. I am worried with the memory that the same thing will happen. I have told everyone in here my worry and everyone has said it's OCD intrusive thoughts. I can't help worry so much that I'm going to prove you all wrong. This is the last thing I need to be worrying about. Due back in work tomorrow and I'm really upset still. Don't know how I am going to get over what's happened with my ex. X

[Caramoole]

What you are going through is absolutely awful Saz BUT it's a normal reaction to the situation you find yourself in.  Of course everyone says "Don't be stupid", it's what friends & family do, and what they hope for.....again a normal & common reaction.

You have to be doubly strong here because you need to get through a real life, shocking, traumatic situation that would test anyone and yet still apply all the rules in respect of OCD.....and it will be hard, it will test you....stress makes OCD worse.  It's the same problem as yesterday's "Gut Reaction" worry you had.

Be kind, compassionate and understanding of yourself.  Lean on family and friends for a hug, company and support...., trust the forum friends in respect of OCD.

[Saz]

3 hours ago, Caramoole said:

What you are going through is absolutely awful Saz BUT it's a normal reaction to the situation you find yourself in.  Of course everyone says "Don't be stupid", it's what friends & family do, and what they hope for.....again a normal & common reaction.

You have to be doubly strong here because you need to get through a real life, shocking, traumatic situation that would test anyone and yet still apply all the rules in respect of OCD.....and it will be hard, it will test you....stress makes OCD worse.  It's the same problem as yesterday's "Gut Reaction" worry you had.

Be kind, compassionate and understanding of yourself.  Lean on family and friends for a hug, company and support...., trust the forum friends in respect of OCD.

Thank you caramoole. X

I will try to be kind to myself. I think I am in shock and disbelief. I feel very sick in the pit of my stomach. In work in a few hours and absolutely dreading it, everyone in there seen me upset and most know what's happened. Going to try and go back to sleep for a couple of hours if I can manage it xxx

[dksea]

Hi @Saz, how are you doing?  How was work?  I know that what you are going through right now is awful and words won't change that, but hoping you feel all the love and support coming from this forum!

[Orwell1984]

Hope you're taking things easy and being kind to yourself Saz. Hope you're ok x

[Saz]

On 20/11/2018 at 06:41, dksea said:

Hi @Saz, how are you doing?  How was work?  I know that what you are going through right now is awful and words won't change that, but hoping you feel all the love and support coming from this forum!

Hi dksea I'm ok just about. Keeping busy in the run up to Xmas but feel like I'm just on automatic pilot. I feel so lost and sad. Work was ok, it was actually a good distraction. Thank you for your kind words and hope you are ok too.x

On 22/11/2018 at 00:09, Orwell1984 said:

Hope you're taking things easy and being kind to yourself Saz. Hope you're ok x

Hi Orwell, thank you for your kind words too. It's a struggle but I'm doing ok, putting a brave face on it I guess. It's hard having to see him at the moment and I'd rather not, as it hurts and raises my anxiety, but that's the reality of the situation when their are kids involved, I can't avoid seeing him. Xmas and new year are going to be so difficult for me and the kids but I suspect the kids will be distracted playing with all their new toys etc, I'll know I'll cry. Hope you are doing ok too Orwell x

[Saz]

Yesterday was a struggle. Felt so depressed all day. The reality of the situation has hit me I think. My stomach was in bits all day. I did go out but I wasnt in the mood at all. I still can't get my head round what is happening and why. 

Just make me feel even more anxious and depressed, I read a horrible story in the paper that really stuck with me most of the day. It was about a man who spoke out about terrible things that had happened but two decades later. He said everything he sees a game or something from all those years ago it brings back memories. Isn't that what happens to me? I can see dates or anything that can be from the time of the wedding and it can set me off. I know in OCD we talk about triggers but how do I know it's just an OCD trigger and not a real memory trigger?

The last thing I want is to be dealing with this on top of what else is happening. I'm so tired.

[Orwell1984]

16 hours ago, Saz said:

Yesterday was a struggle. Felt so depressed all day. The reality of the situation has hit me I think. My stomach was in bits all day. I did go out but I wasnt in the mood at all. I still can't get my head round what is happening and why. 

Just make me feel even more anxious and depressed, I read a horrible story in the paper that really stuck with me most of the day. It was about a man who spoke out about terrible things that had happened but two decades later. He said everything he sees a game or something from all those years ago it brings back memories. Isn't that what happens to me? I can see dates or anything that can be from the time of the wedding and it can set me off. I know in OCD we talk about triggers but how do I know it's just an OCD trigger and not a real memory trigger?

The last thing I want is to be dealing with this on top of what else is happening. I'm so tired.

I hope you get some sleep x put the analysis aside. The more tired you are, the more OCD inspired questions your mind will fire at you. Just rest and please try to say to yourself 'I'll look at this later but not now'. You need the breathing space.

[gingerbreadgirl]

Thinking of you Saz.  Great advice here - put the rumination and analysis down and just breathe and take care of yourself.  Take care xxx

[Caramoole]

Put the paper down Saz.....or only read about Brexit (or not), global warming, I'm a Celebrity or whatever.  I'm not advocating avoidance as such but why does anyone need to read these articles? What benefit is achieved by doing so?  Right now you're treading water and trying to keep on an even keel, so for now don't do things that rock the boat.  Everything we've said before still stands and more than ever you need to really be vigilant about not engaging with these internal conversations or trying to think them through.  Perhaps you could contact your therapist and ask for a session to help you talk through how to handle things during this unexpected time, a sort of top up.

Anyone who found themselves in your situation would be experiencing the horrible emotions and fear you are.....even those who have no mental health problems.....it's a normal reaction to an awful situation.

Keep strong, keep going, just keep putting one foot in front of the other.  You will get through

[Saz]

I probably deserve all I get

[Caramoole]

Stop it Saz..... that sort of self-talk won't help your mood at all ; (

[Saz]

I've been non stop crying for about 2 hours solid. I can't do this. I am broken. How can he just leave me forever. I don't think I can get over this

[Caramoole]

Yes you can What you're going through is awful.....but normal for the circumstances (no consolation to you, I know) but normal.  Someone without the added problems of OCD would be experiencing all the same anxiety, all the same rounds of endless questioning, why, why, why?

It's okay to cry, you've experienced a huge and unwanted loss.  But try and limit the time.  Have a good cry but then wipe your eye's and put the anguish back in the box for a while.

Who know's why he's being as he is......but whatever, he's made a decision that you now have to find a way to cope with, and you will..

Try and separate your feelings as best you can between those that are a normal reaction to horrible circumstances......and those that ard an expected upsurge of anxiety and OCD  fears that are aggravated because of the situation.

I'm sorry things have turned out this way

[dksea]

5 hours ago, Saz said:

I've been non stop crying for about 2 hours solid. I can't do this. I am broken. How can he just leave me forever. I don't think I can get over this

Hey Saz, I'm sorry you are hurting so much right now.  I know its difficult but I promise you can do this, you can get over it.  Try to just take it one day, one hour at a time and focus on what you need to do/can do.  If you have friends or family that can help, be sure to let them.  And like Caramoole says its ok to cry sometimes, but try not to let yourself get caught up in it too much.

 

5 hours ago, Saz said:

How can he just leave me forever.

Unfortunately we are all people and we are all not perfect.  I don't know the details of your situation, but I do know from experience that sometimes things just don't work out the way we want them to/hope they will.  That doesn't make it hurt any less, but I hope you will come to understand that it doesn't mean its your fault, or that it makes you less deserving of happiness.  Hang in there and know that we are all here sending good thoughts and prayers your way.

[Saz]

Thank you for you replies everyone, been so tired to reply. I will reply individually later on but I have another worry...

I'm so worried right now that if anything happens to me my kids will get taken into care, well my older two as their biological father isn't alive. So if my false memory is true then I'll be in jail and they will get put into care and not go with my mum and dad or if I died they would be orphans and still might get taken into care. I always thought my ex would adopt them but evidently not I'm just so lost X

[gingerbreadgirl]

You are mixing up a real life situation with incredibly improbable ocd worries - you must be careful to separate these two things out and not get drawn into compulsions because you are understandably feeling so upset and distressed at the moment. ocd loves these vulnerabilities and more than ever you need to be careful to practise the techniques your therapist has taught you and that you've learned on here. Put the thoughts away, leave them alone and focus on what matters which is taking care of you and your family and being kind to yourself through this difficult time xx

[Caramoole]

This is ruminating Saz and catastrophising and you know the drill on that   Work hard on recognising when you're being pulled into these cycles of thinking and pull yourself back into the present, resist the urge to get drawn into the internal conversation

[Saz]

The thing is I've got people saying to me I'm so nice and they couldn't imagine me arguing with my ex and things aren't in my nature but they thing is I did argue, I feel I never started most of them but I certainly argued back and said things I regret. This panics me no end because people have a false perception about me and now you guys probably do too. I've probably fooled everyone with the Memory and maybe I have deserved what my ex partner has done to me

[Saz]

And also this huge sick anxiety I'm feeling where I can't eat is the exact same way I felt the day after the wedding, like something was very wrong. Help x