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Need advice asap please... panicking


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Guest OCDhavenobrain

There won't be a moment in time where every thought you had will be answered and you can start to do differently

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And also this huge sick anxiety I'm feeling where I can't eat

Is a typical anxiety symptom.  It's one I get with anxiety as do thousands of others.  Come on Saz, you're going through a tough time but despite that, there are things you need to do for yourself to lessen the anxiety and stop it building.

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9 hours ago, Saz said:

The thing is I've got people saying to me I'm so nice and they couldn't imagine me arguing with my ex and things aren't in my nature but they thing is I did argue, I feel I never started most of them but I certainly argued back and said things I regret. This panics me no end because people have a false perception about me and now you guys probably do too. I've probably fooled everyone with the Memory and maybe I have deserved what my ex partner has done to me

Pretty much everyone behaves differently depending on the circumstances, that doesn't make the perception of you "false".  We often present ourselves in public as our best selves, we behave more politely in a restaurant than we probably do at home, not out of a need to "trick" anyone but because we are concerned about appearance and/or we are more comfortable at home.  Its perfectly normal that your friends would say what they did for that reason, and also because they are your friends and are trying to be supportive.  Its also perfectly normal that you would argue with your spouse AND said things you regret, thats not because you are a bad person, its because you are a person, its something we basically all do.  

You, like everyone, are an imperfect human being, but that doesn't mean you deserve to suffer.  You are going through a difficult time, one that would be hard for anyone even without the added burden of OCD.  Please work on being kind to yourself, you deserve it, even if you have made mistakes and said or done things you regret.  Your focus now should be on doing what you need to do to make a path forward.  Its of course understandable and normal to dwell on what happened, to try and piece together what "went wrong" and make sense of it all, non-OCD people do that too in these types of situations, but you have to be careful that you don't let that consume you, because unfortunately you can not change the past.  Focus on the future.  If there are things you can learn from your past mistakes, great, you can do that, but you aren't helping yourself or anyone by beating yourself up.  You don't have to be a perfect angel to deserve happiness, its ok to be a human being.

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On 04/12/2018 at 00:31, dksea said:

Pretty much everyone behaves differently depending on the circumstances, that doesn't make the perception of you "false".  We often present ourselves in public as our best selves, we behave more politely in a restaurant than we probably do at home, not out of a need to "trick" anyone but because we are concerned about appearance and/or we are more comfortable at home.  Its perfectly normal that your friends would say what they did for that reason, and also because they are your friends and are trying to be supportive.  Its also perfectly normal that you would argue with your spouse AND said things you regret, thats not because you are a bad person, its because you are a person, its something we basically all do.  

You, like everyone, are an imperfect human being, but that doesn't mean you deserve to suffer.  You are going through a difficult time, one that would be hard for anyone even without the added burden of OCD.  Please work on being kind to yourself, you deserve it, even if you have made mistakes and said or done things you regret.  Your focus now should be on doing what you need to do to make a path forward.  Its of course understandable and normal to dwell on what happened, to try and piece together what "went wrong" and make sense of it all, non-OCD people do that too in these types of situations, but you have to be careful that you don't let that consume you, because unfortunately you can not change the past.  Focus on the future.  If there are things you can learn from your past mistakes, great, you can do that, but you aren't helping yourself or anyone by beating yourself up.  You don't have to be a perfect angel to deserve happiness, its ok to be a human being.

 

On 03/12/2018 at 23:30, PolarBear said:

The difference is, this time you have something real to be concerned about. Did you ever think that the way you feel right now is the way anyone would feel under the same circumstances?

 

On 03/12/2018 at 20:00, Caramoole said:

Is a typical anxiety symptom.  It's one I get with anxiety as do thousands of others.  Come on Saz, you're going through a tough time but despite that, there are things you need to do for yourself to lessen the anxiety and stop it building.

 

On 03/12/2018 at 18:35, OCDhavenobrain said:

There won't be a moment in time where every thought you had will be answered and you can start to do differently

Sorry for the late response. X

I'm worried that I have given you a false image of me. I am far from perfect and I'm so petrified that I committed the crime that I've been worried about all these years. It's hard dealing with this break up and the 'false memory' too. I'd like to put the memory one to bed because I'm frightened I will break if I have to deal with both. :(

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Guest OCDhavenobrain

Yes, a "false image" and now we need to hear it ALL so we can judge you accordingly/correctly? But we won't, atleast I will not do it. Because it would only make you worse.

Edited by OCDhavenobrain
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On 26/11/2018 at 23:29, Orwell1984 said:

I hope you get some sleep x put the analysis aside. The more tired you are, the more OCD inspired questions your mind will fire at you. Just rest and please try to say to yourself 'I'll look at this later but not now'. You need the breathing space.

 

On 29/11/2018 at 13:47, gingerbreadgirl said:

You are mixing up a real life situation with incredibly improbable ocd worries - you must be careful to separate these two things out and not get drawn into compulsions because you are understandably feeling so upset and distressed at the moment. ocd loves these vulnerabilities and more than ever you need to be careful to practise the techniques your therapist has taught you and that you've learned on here. Put the thoughts away, leave them alone and focus on what matters which is taking care of you and your family and being kind to yourself through this difficult time xx

Sorry again for late replies. X

Trying to be kind to myself is difficult. I feel low from the breakup and my confidence has hit rock bottom. I'm already analysing my face and all its flaws, so far I've contemplated contacting a dentist, having Botox, eyelid surgery...I'm not saying this for sympathy it's how it's got me at the moment. Obviously I wouldn't want to go down that road as it's not the answer...I did buy fake tan and a hair dye though to try and make myself feel better but have just shoved them in a cupboard. The thing is one minute I'm ok-ish and the next I'm convinced I deserve everything I have got and that I've brought it on my self by either my actions (the memory being real) or because I thought he would always leave anyway. Then I Just think I am always right...I actually am right a lot of the time and I'm so scared everything I've been terrified about is going to prove to be true and my kids will be taken away. It's all too much :(

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7 minutes ago, OCDhavenobrain said:

Yes, a "false image" and now we need to hear it ALL so we can judge you accordingly/correctly? But we won't, atleast I will not do it. Because it would only make you worse.

I'm sorry I don't understand x

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Guest OCDhavenobrain
16 minutes ago, Saz said:

I'm sorry I don't understand x

Yes you are afraid that we have the wrong picture of you. And that the "real you" is some horrendous person who actually deserve to think about all of this. That your "crimes" justify you feeling anxious. Because guilt is normal if you have done something bad. But how much do you need to tell before we know who you are? Will we ever know enough to judge you correctly?

Edited by OCDhavenobrain
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1 hour ago, Saz said:

 

Then I Just think I am always right...I actually am right a lot of the time and I'm so scared everything I've been terrified about is going to prove to be true

We all think we're right about things. It's a well known bias called confirmation bias. We only accept things which confirm what we already think, and we only notice the times we're right about things - it's human nature. It's also human nature to think we're exempt from this! :) the truth is we see things through a whole host of filters we have developed since childhood. We are very rarely 'right' about anything - and even when we are, somebody else could  think we're wrong if they see things differently.  And if we really are right about something we think "aha see I'm right about everything!" when really we just don't notice all the times we're wrong or we interpret it as showing we're right. 

All that aside though... For you to be right about this, you would have to have deceived every single one of us for years now.  You have convincingly presented a textbook case of ocd over and over again across thousands of posts. To be so convincing your knowledge of ocd would have to be substantial, or we would have to be very gullible. Or alternatively... Maybe this really IS a textbook case of ocd. Maybe really we HAVE understood things correctly. Maybe we haven't ALL been wrong all this time. Which do you think is more rationally likely? 

Edited by gingerbreadgirl
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On 05/12/2018 at 13:51, gingerbreadgirl said:

We all think we're right about things. It's a well known bias called confirmation bias. We only accept things which confirm what we already think, and we only notice the times we're right about things - it's human nature. It's also human nature to think we're exempt from this! :) the truth is we see things through a whole host of filters we have developed since childhood. We are very rarely 'right' about anything - and even when we are, somebody else could  think we're wrong if they see things differently.  And if we really are right about something we think "aha see I'm right about everything!" when really we just don't notice all the times we're wrong or we interpret it as showing we're right. 

All that aside though... For you to be right about this, you would have to have deceived every single one of us for years now.  You have convincingly presented a textbook case of ocd over and over again across thousands of posts. To be so convincing your knowledge of ocd would have to be substantial, or we would have to be very gullible. Or alternatively... Maybe this really IS a textbook case of ocd. Maybe really we HAVE understood things correctly. Maybe we haven't ALL been wrong all this time. Which do you think is more rationally likely? 

Hi GBG,

I know what you are saying. I think as time goes by, years in fact, then I think surley it can't be real as something would have been said. However, just look at all the hundreds of cases of similar (to my worry), terrible things, that have happened to people years previously, decades even, and only now when they are older they speak up. You have to understand why this has really gotten to me and for so long. I know you do understand that's a stupid thing for me to say, you know what I mean. Oh GBG it's just such a horrid time with everything going on. x

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6 hours ago, gingerbreadgirl said:

Come on saz, I know this is a difficult time for you but you need to take a moment before having these knee jerk responses to things. 

I really feel it's not a knee jerk reaction and there is every chance this is a real scenario and the above will happen to me. X

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Okay....So what are the choices here?  Trust those who do know more than a little bit about OCD, including your therapist.......and continue to work hard at implementing the advice.....or, concede you're the monster you believe you are and hand yourself in to the authoritie's, the Police and Social Services?

I suspect you're going to tell me that you'll fear you'll lose your children and that you're really a good Mum.  Which is it Saz?  You can't have it both ways.  So sorry to be tough (and this isn't my logic but yours) If you believe what you're trying to convince us of, then you'd  use the last shred  of decency  and give up on your children.  You won't because you don't actually believe it, do you?

Having fears and strong feelings about something are hallmarks of OCD....you have lots of  information to support that.  So your thoughts tell you you're an abuser of young people.....is it true?  Are your children safe in your care? (Your fear, not my concern)

Come on Saz.  Time to dig deep and do your level best to apply  everything you've been advised

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22 hours ago, Saz said:

 there is every chance this is a real scenario and the above will happen to me. X

"There is every chance" - I've asked you before but where is the evidence? Honestly where is there a single shred of evidence that anything has happened whatsoever? You may say "there wouldn't be any evidence" - but lack of evidence does not mean something happened, that is classic OCD logic.  I have no evidence that i didn't sleep walk to a house down the street last night, murder all the occupants and come back home none-the-wiser.  You may think that's a ridiculous example but it is literally no more ridiculous than what you're suggesting.  I have no evidence this didn't happen, and I have no evidence it did happen either - so maybe it did? Should I go to the police, hand myself in, spend the next several decades in relentless torment? Would that sound reasonable to you?

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On 09/12/2018 at 02:50, Caramoole said:

Okay....So what are the choices here?  Trust those who do know more than a little bit about OCD, including your therapist.......and continue to work hard at implementing the advice.....or, concede you're the monster you believe you are and hand yourself in to the authoritie's, the Police and Social Services?

I suspect you're going to tell me that you'll fear you'll lose your children and that you're really a good Mum.  Which is it Saz?  You can't have it both ways.  So sorry to be tough (and this isn't my logic but yours) If you believe what you're trying to convince us of, then you'd  use the last shred  of decency  and give up on your children.  You won't because you don't actually believe it, do you?

Having fears and strong feelings about something are hallmarks of OCD....you have lots of  information to support that.  So your thoughts tell you you're an abuser of young people.....is it true?  Are your children safe in your care? (Your fear, not my concern)

Come on Saz.  Time to dig deep and do your level best to apply  everything you've been advised

You can be a good person and make a mistake though surley caramoole? That is my worry. My kids are perfectly safe but that doesn't mean anything. I'm sorry I seem so argumentative, I don't mean it. I'm struggling. I feel guilty that I've probably let this ruin my life and my relationship. 

On 09/12/2018 at 14:20, gingerbreadgirl said:

"There is every chance" - I've asked you before but where is the evidence? Honestly where is there a single shred of evidence that anything has happened whatsoever? You may say "there wouldn't be any evidence" - but lack of evidence does not mean something happened, that is classic OCD logic.  I have no evidence that i didn't sleep walk to a house down the street last night, murder all the occupants and come back home none-the-wiser.  You may think that's a ridiculous example but it is literally no more ridiculous than what you're suggesting.  I have no evidence this didn't happen, and I have no evidence it did happen either - so maybe it did? Should I go to the police, hand myself in, spend the next several decades in relentless torment? Would that sound reasonable to you?

There doesn't need to be evidence does there? Don't people do things drunk and not remember? I'm really not in a good place. Today has been awful. I came face to face with my ex partner and it was extremely difficult for me. My baby isn't well and has had me up since 3.00am and I just feel so down. I miss my partner so much...well ex partner. 

Edited by Saz
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OK so by your logic, you should punish yourself forever on the basis of no evidence. 

How do you know you didn't sleepwalk last night, molest a child and come back to bed, waking up this morning with no memory? There is absolutely no evidence that didn't happen, none whatsoever, it is an absolute possibility.  So are you going to torment yourself over that possibility? Go to the police? Tell them you molested someone in your sleep last night?

Sounds kinda stupid when you put it like that - I'm sure you have many arguments that your situation isn't like this but really you have none, nada. It is exactly the same in every possible way except you have gone over and over this. 

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Not to mention that I suspect, Sarah, that you don't make a habit of doing what you fear. Just a thought. Just a little conclusion I've made about you. I bet you don't do it and you don't think about doing it and you if you did get a thought like that you would detest it, not like it. This is all evidence that you did no such thing, at any time, regardless what one little part of your mind has been saying to you.

Edited by PolarBear
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Rooting for ya Sarah. You are an incredibly strong woman. You're the only one that can't see it :) you so deserve to not feel this ****. OCD kicks you when you're down and always preys on the nicest most empathetic people I think. Although you don't believe u are a good person, we all believe in you and from what I know of you through here, your kids have a brilliant mummy. Stay strong. Try your best to not analyse. If you feel like a fraud, just know that that's another OCD symptom trying to get your attention and rope you into analysis. Try to not analyse. Bit by bit it will get easier to not analyse. Go girl x

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1 hour ago, Orwell1984 said:

Rooting for ya Sarah. You are an incredibly strong woman. You're the only one that can't see it :) you so deserve to not feel this ****. OCD kicks you when you're down and always preys on the nicest most empathetic people I think. Although you don't believe u are a good person, we all believe in you and from what I know of you through here, your kids have a brilliant mummy. Stay strong. Try your best to not analyse. If you feel like a fraud, just know that that's another OCD symptom trying to get your attention and rope you into analysis. Try to not analyse. Bit by bit it will get easier to not analyse. Go girl x

Thanks Orwell, that's really kind. Right back at you by the way! How are you getting on? Hope you are well x

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14 hours ago, Binxy said:

Oh Saz, bless you. This must be such a difficult time for you. It's no wonder you're struggling- OCD strikes when your guard is down. All good advice from the last two posts. Hang in there matie x

Thank you Binxy. Hope you are good x

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On 10/12/2018 at 23:42, PolarBear said:

Not to mention that I suspect, Sarah, that you don't make a habit of doing what you fear. Just a thought. Just a little conclusion I've made about you. I bet you don't do it and you don't think about doing it and you if you did get a thought like that you would detest it, not like it. This is all evidence that you did no such thing, at any time, regardless what one little part of your mind has been saying to you.

Thanks pb. Hope you are good x

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