OCD and the Constant Fear of Being Rude

[paco5959]

Diagnosed very early in life with OCD, it has manifested/evolved over the years to whatever my lifestyle is, and now I suffer mostly now from relationship OCD guilt (and constantly checking ovens), but... A trend that I have noticed manifesting within the last few years is the exhausting fear that a conversation I just had was horrible, because of me... Not just a random conversation. Every conversation.

This starts with the very first interaction of the day (getting coffee, what I said to the barista, if I made eye contact too long, not enough, could she tell I was upset about something internally, but thinks its her? Did this ruin her day?). I had dental work where smiling is not flattering right now, so I fear just grinning with my lips is strange... I attempt to relive the entire conversation, from start to finish while its fresh in my mind, and this includes me catching myself mouthing the words in the mirror and mocking how I think my face looked to see if the person would be offended.

This carries on through my commute and  into my work day with my phone interactions with clients (I work with the elderly, so it can be frustrating) and with coworkers. It gets even more disorienting and panicky if there are a few conversations going on with different people, and I am internally upset with something going on (either personally or within the conversation). I worry did my face change and someone now thinks I hate them? Did I snap and don't remember? When I ask people "was I rude?" it is 99.8% confirmed that I was not rude, accompanied with a strange look and the person saying "ummm, no? why do you think you were rude?". In fact, people tell me I am overly nice. It's like I'm picturing myself screaming but in reality I'm kindly whispering.  As an empathy and trying to channel this, I feel like I take on everything and am living in a constant state of reliving every conversation I had to ensure I didn't offend anyone. My mom always tells me, "it's okay to be rude sometimes or cranky! You are human!".

Does anyone else struggle with this? Is this more of an empathetic quality or an OCD issue? I am guessing that the post conversation re-living and asking the person "was I rude?" is a form of ruminating and I must stop this. I know this because when I try to stop the ruminating when I start to relive the convo, I feel that panic in my gut that I MUST FIGURE THIS OUT and THINK THINK THINK! And I am recognizing this more and more as the OCD feeling I get when I must stop before I go down the rabbit hole.