I feel guilty

[Pranjali]

A few months back I had been to Europe on an exchange program for about 5 months. One night I went out with a friend drinking. We hopped a couple of pubs; I danced with a guy in one of the pubs there. I was trying to be guarded but let myself loose and danced. After a few days I revisited that night, and something in me just told me I did not behave well with the guy I danced with. I went over and over that night alone, and could not arrive at any conclusion. I sobbed, I panicked, I freaked out. A few weeks later I was convinced that I slept with the guy after my friend dropped me back to the hostel. I asked my friend a few times, told my fiance about this night, told my friends..they were all okay with it. They said nothing of that sort happened, it is fine let go of it. The guilt and cheating on my boyfriend killed me for months long. I would wake up with churn in my stomach, unable to battle it out. Even after returning from Europe, I have jogged my memory a million times, only to be convinced that I did falter that night. I also went through it alone for months with my parents by my side; wondering on and off if I should visit a psychiatrist. Months later, things turned slightly worrisome as I had a similar episode when I had gone out with my friends to drink once (a few months later after I returned from Europe). I must mention the period between after my return from Europe and my evening with friends, I only used to drink sometimes with my fiance. I was too scared.

Anyway, that evening when I was out with my 2 female friends, I had a drink or too and stayed over at my friend's place. Next morning I had the same guilt and worries as to where i was the previous night. I asked my friend and she said you stayed with me. It took me time to make peace with it. I told my fiance about this and he was calm about it. The sense of guilt again prevailed and out powered me yet again. Things continued to unfold - for weeks in between when I would be alone or with people or with any guy, I would feel I did something with him. The feeling that I cheated again on my fiance made me feel really sick and guilty and time and again I would tell my fiance about it, just to realize he was okay with it and did not see an issue there. In the hearts of hearts, I knew I was not at ease and I was reaching a point of not being able/wanting to get out of the house. I could trust no one. I was scared, I was guilty and have believed that I cheated on my fiance. It was time I seeked professional help. After having narrated the episodes to the psychiatrist, she diagnosed this as a case of OCD. It took me some time to understand what this meant and steadily started to read literature on it. My heart does not believe that the first instance in Europe had no significance as such because I cannot get over feeling that I cheated on my fiance. I am on medication right now and somehow managing to function. I still have lurches and twitches in my stomach when I feel anxious.

And currently feel terrible about an instance which happened a few days back and I cannot get over it. I was out with my friends and I decided to not drink because I was too weary about the surrounding and my behavior, given the past instances. My friends and I went to the next place to just dance a bit, where I had not had alcohol but they had and they wanted to chill a bit. I was not upto it but decided to accompany them for a while. In the end when it was time for us to leave, one of my friends (one of my juniors in the university who I knew a bit) came and hugged me to say bye. Now this is the point which makes me freeze right now - when he hugged me, my mouth was incidentally open and I am quite certain that I bit him during that brief hug. When I got out of that pub, I froze again. I felt like worse thinking that this time I was not intoxicated and I chose to bite him in that moment. I told my fiance about it and asked my friends; my boyfriend joked about it and my friends told me I was fine and nothing like that happened. But the fact that I know and believe that I must have bitten my friend, is killing me. I feel I need to be punished, I am a cheater, I do not deserve my fiance. My wedding is in this December and I feel extremely pathetic that I have cheated multiple times on my boyfriend. I feel it was intentional of me to bite him and that feeling of 'letting loose' is something I cannot grapple with.

I do not know if this last episode was OCD or is it just a way of shying away from the fact I was desperate enough to bite him in that brief moment. I am not sure where I am heading, I cannot get over these instances. The feelings of guilt started 10 months back and I feel after this last instance I am back to square one. I feel guilty and I feel I wronged my boyfriend yet again.

[PolarBear]

Hello and welcome.

What you have experienced is commonly to as False Memory OCD. You have obsessions that you did something inappropriate (often happens after drinking). This causes you distress. You then do compulsions. Asking those who were there with you is a compulsion. Confessing to your fiance is a compulsion. Sitting there, wracking your brain trying to figure out if it is true, is a compulsion.

No matter how many compulsions you do, you are never completely certain.

[Pranjali]

@PolarBear thank you so much for your response. I am trying to make peace with believing even that I have OCD. It is so difficult. 

The last instance which I mentioned; I did not even drink and while I feel certain that I did bite my friend in that brief moment, I feel even more guilty that it was intentional on my part in that case. The feeling of cheating on my fiancé kills me but then my fiance was calm about this too, which makes me feel even more miserable.

I am not sure if I am asking for reassurance here and carrying out a compulsion, but can someone tell me was the last instance also OCD or it is my desperate intent? Be honest I have been really anxious about it. Though my friends say it was just a brief moment, I feel really sick about myself..yet again after 10 months..same feeling but this time is more real I had not had a drink that day.

[Caramoole]

13 minutes ago, Pranjali said:

I am not sure if I am asking for reassurance here and carrying out a compulsion, but can someone tell me was the last instance also OCD

You certainly are looking for reassurance, something that we can't give.

How much do you know about OCD and have you sought any professional help?

[PolarBear]

I ssid that these types of thoughts often come after drinking. Often, not always.

If you have intrusive thoughts that cause distress and you then do compulsions, it's OCD.

[Pranjali]

7 minutes ago, Caramoole said:

You certainly are looking for reassurance, something that we can't give.

How much do you know about OCD and have you sought any professional help?

I have read a few articles and literature online only after being told that it is the case of OCD. I did not know much about it earlier. I have sought professional help a couple of months back, the psychiatrist only told me I have OCD. I have thought about the first instance in Europe for months long and felt sick. And as much as I have been trying to brace up, now the last instance just was a blow because it again feels like I faltered yet again and has gotten me to square one.

[gingerbreadgirl]

Hi Pranjali,

Have you read any books on OCD? There are some good ones explaining what you're going through.  Break Free from OCD by Paul Salkovskis is a good place to start.

GBG x

[Pranjali]

6 minutes ago, PolarBear said:

I ssid that these types of thoughts often come after drinking. Often, not always.

If you have intrusive thoughts that cause distress and you then do compulsions, it's OCD.

Thank you @PolarBear. I am panicking and guilty of having cheated on my fiancé after years of dating him. I feel hollow. Thank you for your message though

[Pranjali]

Just now, gingerbreadgirl said:

Hi Pranjali,

Have you read any books on OCD? There are some good ones explaining what you're going through.  Break Free from OCD by Paul Salkovskis is a good place to start.

GBG x

@gingerbreadgirl thank you so much for your message. I have read one of Dr Dave Preston's books about false memory OCD and it moved me because I felt back then I had lived through similar situations. Before I could fathom most of it, I had this last instance which I mentioned about and now I feel hopeless and criminal. I will look for the book you mentioned. I cannot thank you all enough for this group, this battle does not feel like I am the only one, at least for the first instance. It is so difficult to convince the mind or rather believe that I did not falter. 

[gingerbreadgirl]

It is horrid and false memory in particular is so vicious.  it is beatable though.  There is hope at the end of this - lots of people suffer from OCD and come out of the other side x

[Pranjali]

3 minutes ago, gingerbreadgirl said:

It is horrid and false memory in particular is so vicious.  it is beatable though.  There is hope at the end of this - lots of people suffer from OCD and come out of the other side x

Having read a few articles, I feel even more confused and nervous now of asking my friends or going back on the night. I am comvinced that I did do something and I did bite the guy..how many ever times I think of those nights or even ask my friends, I feel like I am ruminating or seeking reassurance. But then there is a huge part of me which feels, I need to be punished because I cheated on my fiancé. It is a cycle; I cannot keep away from thinking about it nor can I think over it. I feel trapped.

[Caramoole]

10 minutes ago, Pranjali said:

I feel even more confused and nervous now of asking my friends or going back on the night. I am comvinced that I did do something and I did bite the guy..how many ever times I think of those nights or even ask my friends, I feel like I am ruminating or seeking reassurance.

This is right, what you are doing here is carrying out compulsions.  We do that to try and solve the problem in our heads or by asking others in order to try and bring the anxiety levels down.  Sadly, this is the worst thing you can do, you can never resolve OCD by carrying out compulsions.  It is something that you need to work towards eliminating.  Learning about OCD and what helps and what worsens OCD is the first thing and then you have to start making changes to the way you react when the fear and doubts strike.  You have to learn to sit with the anxiety without using compulsions such as ruminating or asking your friends, checking information etc.

[Pranjali]

28 minutes ago, Caramoole said:

This is right, what you are doing here is carrying out compulsions.  We do that to try and solve the problem in our heads or by asking others in order to try and bring the anxiety levels down.  Sadly, this is the worst thing you can do, you can never resolve OCD by carrying out compulsions.  It is something that you need to work towards eliminating.  Learning about OCD and what helps and what worsens OCD is the first thing and then you have to start making changes to the way you react when the fear and doubts strike.  You have to learn to sit with the anxiety without using compulsions such as ruminating or asking your friends, checking information etc.

Thanks a lot once again. I will try it is extremely difficult to live through that anxiety. Will try.

[Caramoole]

1 hour ago, Pranjali said:

Thanks a lot once again. I will try it is extremely difficult to live through that anxiety. Will try.

It is......but you are living with anxiety despite doing what you're doing.  It only takes the anxiety away for a very short time.  Better to feel anxious whilst beating OCD rather than feeling anxious anyway  

[Pranjali]

8 hours ago, Caramoole said:

It is......but you are living with anxiety despite doing what you're doing.  It only takes the anxiety away for a very short time.  Better to feel anxious whilst beating OCD rather than feeling anxious anyway  

I am sure I am not the first one to pose this question - but really how do you differentiate between intrusive OCD thought and reality? I have read some literature online, which sometimes does make me wonder if it is an OCD thought or most of the times there is convinction and a strong sense of belief that I did mess up. 

[dksea]

2 hours ago, Pranjali said:

but really how do you differentiate between intrusive OCD thought and reality?

A good rule of thumb that I go by is this:  If you think it might be OCD it probably is.

[Pranjali]

2 hours ago, dksea said:

A good rule of thumb that I go by is this:  If you think it might be OCD it probably is.

Because I have been diagnosed to have OCD, now it feels like an excuse to blame the beliefs and feelings on OCD. While the first instance in Europe was diagnosed as the start of OCD by the psychiatrist, now again I cannot make peace with the last one. It just feels like I am taking OCD's shield to protect myself. I do not know how to proceed. Like I said I have told my fiancé and asked my friends; as this seems like seeking assurance and as this seems like we are seeing the instance in the OCD prism, largely this inference makes me feel like I am using OCD as an alibi to say I did not cheat on my fiancé. I am beginning to be a mess again and this time it feels worse because I was not intoxicated in the last instance I think. Maybe I have repeated a lot of my narration in this post, but I have seriously started to get back to that anxious pensive guilty state which felt like an eternity in the past 10 months. 

[gingerbreadgirl]

Hi pranjali 

This feeling that it is too real to be ocd is exceedingly common. The anxiety feels so real and so urgent that we think we're making excuses for ourselves by calling it ocd. 

One thing that all ocd sufferers have in common is an intolerance of doubt - including the doubt that we really have ocd! Unfortunately there is no way of getting rid of this doubt. You have to take a leap of faith and treat it like ocd anyway. This is incredibly hard to do and a big reason why ocd sufferers so often stay stuck. We have to put the cart before the horse so to speak - treat it like ocd, and see what happens. More often than not, if you treat it like ocd, stop doing compulsions and stick to your guns, you will have a sudden realisation that it was ocd all along. But you can't reach that point first. That's why it's called a leap of faith. It's hard, but it can be done. 

[Pranjali]

29 minutes ago, gingerbreadgirl said:

Hi pranjali 

This feeling that it is too real to be ocd is exceedingly common. The anxiety feels so real and so urgent that we think we're making excuses for ourselves by calling it ocd. 

One thing that all ocd sufferers have in common is an intolerance of doubt - including the doubt that we really have ocd! Unfortunately there is no way of getting rid of this doubt. You have to take a leap of faith and treat it like ocd anyway. This is incredibly hard to do and a big reason why ocd sufferers so often stay stuck. We have to put the cart before the horse so to speak - treat it like ocd, and see what happens. More often than not, if you treat it like ocd, stop doing compulsions and stick to your guns, you will have a sudden realisation that it was ocd all along. But you can't reach that point first. That's why it's called a leap of faith. It's hard, but it can be done. 

Thank you @gingerbreadgirl, yes it is tough. It feels like a lie to your self; something like reassurance saying to yourself that it is OCD.

I have read vageuly about CBT and ERP. In this case, how does one make use of ERP?

Also, I do not know if it is related to my recent past or the medication I am on or the lingering anxiety in me, but I find it difficult now to get intimate with my fiancé. I have been seeing him for more than 6 years and we are to get married in this December. He has been really supportive through this phase but I seem to get trapped further on this maze. As much as I feel guilty of having cheated on him in the recent past, I have started to feel equally guilty about not being able to be the same which I was for so long (or a year back).

I am afraid I sound like I am cribbing about too many things on this forum but I feel really sick about myself for a lot of reasons. I used to cry a lot after I returned from Europe early this year; buckets probably; but medication helped keep a bit of tab on the bouts. Yes I understand medication and also CBT and ERP work better together, not just medication probably, but I cannot take that plunge.

As much I feel better that I am not the only one in this world, but it feels like I will never get out of here. The feeling of being a cheater and disloyal to my fiancé grips me too much to think anything beyond.

 

Edited November 8, 2018 by Pranjali

[Pranjali]

Any suggestions on coping with guilt? Acceptance does not seem to come in and the feeling of punishment takes over. While my fiancé seems okay with everything, I have this nagging urge to punish myself; meaning I feel it is wrong to be with my fiancé given my desperate and disloyal behavior in the recent past.

For years now I have been anxious thinking if I will end up marrying my fiancé. Of late I have started wondering was the anxiety also a part of my obsessive thoughts? - meaning I have thought often if my fiancé and I will work out. I really do want to get married to him. We really love each other and set to get married this December.

But I feel sick about myself, I feel I do not deserve his niceness. There is a part of me which feels I should not be with him because I screwed up badly. As much as I know I need to be accepting of my own self, but this is something which does not float well with me. I do not wish to forgive myself. All this is where the problem lies.

I feel guilty and the lack of willingness to love myself and not punish myself.

[paradoxer]

1 hour ago, Pranjali said:

Any suggestions on coping with guilt? Acceptance does not seem to come in and the feeling of punishment takes over. While my fiancé seems okay with everything, I have this nagging urge to punish myself; meaning I feel it is wrong to be with my fiancé given my desperate and disloyal behavior in the recent past.

For years now I have been anxious thinking if I will end up marrying my fiancé. Of late I have started wondering was the anxiety also a part of my obsessive thoughts? - meaning I have thought often if my fiancé and I will work out. I really do want to get married to him. We really love each other and set to get married this December.

But I feel sick about myself, I feel I do not deserve his niceness. There is a part of me which feels I should not be with him because I screwed up badly. As much as I know I need to be accepting of my own self, but this is something which does not float well with me. I do not wish to forgive myself. All this is where the problem lies.

I feel guilty and the lack of willingness to love myself and not punish myself.

OK, others here have probably heard this from me as a mantra. As a fellow OCD sufferer, I contend that OCD generated 'guilt' is actually a faux rendition of the same. Far, far worse than the real thing. Real guilt never feels as bad. From a cognitive point of view, I think it's worth pointing out. Why should you respond to a fraudster with anything less than contempt. And, that is (I believe) a useful mindset with which to approach OCD. OCD is a trickster. Treat it accordingly. 

Best.