Will I ever get passed this?

[jennielouises]

I have had OCD for a majority of my life (since I was 14 and am now 33). I have managed to tackle the small compulsions in the past but because I have never successfully managed to tackle the major obsessions, they all just slowly come back. 

My main issue is I want to feel 100% clean all the time. I get extremely anxious if I deem myself unclean which makes me feel physically ill. The dirtiest thing in my mind is vomit. I am a recovering emetophobic as well and no longer fear being sick as much but I still find it so distressing when I walk passed it on the street. It's not that I think it will make me ill myself, it's just that I feel absolutely disgusted  by it and feel like the dirt is all over me and I need to throw my clothes in the wash, throw my shoes away and get in the shower. But I can't do that all the time and as I commute to work, I often see piles of the stuff at the side of pavements etc. where someone has had a good time the night before. I want to be able to handle walking passed sick on the street but the anxiety is so strong that I just can't tolerate it. i know from my CBT in the past that I should focus on the little compulsions first but this is the one I want rid off. Because I find this such a daunting task, instead of tackling it and chipping at it bit by bit, I just don't do it at all. I need some words of encouragement

[PolarBear]

Good on you for dealing with smaller issues first. Way to go!

Now you want to deal with bigger issues. Those big issues won't become small issues until you stop treating them as big issues.

You need to sit down and figure out what compulsions you do and start working on not doing them. Washing, showering, washing clothes, throwing things out are all compulsions. So is spending your day thinking about a trigger. 

[felix4]

17 hours ago, jennielouises said:

I need some words of encouragement

Hi Jennie,

Well done on getting this far!

I know you have already had CBT, but I wonder if might it be worth contacting the OCD clinic that runs in Brighton and seeing if they can help you further. I used the service myself, having previously had CBT on a number of occasions elsewhere and found it a little different. The therapists were far more knowledgeable, and provided a well structured service with lots of encouragement! 

You can self refer here. https://www.sussexpartnership.nhs.uk/service-ocd-clinic

All the best.