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ERP classic example (sexual obsessions / harm OCD)


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OK so something happened with me the other night whilst I was having sex with a casual partner. For years I have had a problem with violent sexual thoughts during intimacy, like I am committing a terrible crime. They get worse when either I form an emotional attachment to someone else, or simply being in love with a girlfriend. The thoughts centre around non-consensual sex i.e. anal,  so for example if we are having normal sex I will fear that I will penetrate her the other way whilst the OCD thought process is screaming "rape". So sex became a fear, because it would always be ruined by thoughts happening during actions pelvic thrusting). 

Classic example of this was the other night, I was so scared of having sex with this partner, because the fear of penetrating the "other way" was rampant, made worse by the fact that I have had now for many months, a strong emotional attachment to someone whom I adore, because as usual the OCD gets us thinking the most abohrent thoughts. Mine was / is that I fear the thoughts will tell me I want to rape someone in the anus whilst thinking of the girl whom I am emotionally attached to, thus bringing shame and overwhelming guilt. 

So, the other night as I was first moving to penetrate I had the first person, real-time thought "I am doing this to rape her anally and think of this other girl" I let the movement carry on thinking I wanted it, I did not stop thrusting despite the rising feeling of dread and fear, but nothing happened because it went in normally - but seconds later, I lost my libido and mojo and it all went completely off the boil. I just felt overwhelming guilt and disgust that I acted on the thought / tried to go through with it. 

I am currently in ERP, so instead of going over the usual compulsions by telling myself it's OCD, thought / action fusion, and reassuring myself if I did enter her the wrong way I would be in a state of shock and there'd obviously be no enjoyment or arousal in order to diffuse the situation,  under orders of the clinic, I have to stay thinking that I did something wrong, that I am a sick depraved individual and I have to keep these thoughts going until my reaction to them is no longer distress.. eventually I will have to rest on the laurels of uncertainty, because I cannot go back in time to get 100 percent certainty, and even if I could, in that moment of panic when anxiety kicks off irrational thought processes at 70 percent, I would still never get certainty of my true intentions. 

By far the most hardest thing I have ever endured.

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OK, has my post offended or upset people? The thing is, whilst I'm not sharing in order to gain reassurance because that will go against the therapy, I notice that hardly any of my topics get any responses and a lot of them tend to get ignored. 

thanks.

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Hey Atlantis - Perhaps people haven't replied because its not quite clear what you are looking for with your post.  You describe your situation in a lot of detail, which seems like a confession compulsion behavior or reassurance seeking behavior.  Meanwhile your follow up post states you are not looking for reassurance.  Perhaps you can explain what kind of response you were hoping for?

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Thanks for the reply - not reassurance although I'd be lying if I said I didn't need it. 

I'm just hoping someone else with the same or similar experience in their past had conquered this OCD theme via ERP shared their experience, not to get reassurance that I'm not a monster, but to reassure that this can be beaten. 

 

 

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  • 1 month later...
On 08/11/2018 at 12:51, Atlantis said:

Thanks for the reply - not reassurance although I'd be lying if I said I didn't need it. 

I'm just hoping someone else with the same or similar experience in their past had conquered this OCD theme via ERP shared their experience, not to get reassurance that I'm not a monster, but to reassure that this can be beaten. 

 

 

Hi..sorry to barge in this conversation..I have similar anxieties. It is driving me nuts and I feel supremely guilty for making my partner go through this. This is something I cannot share with people and I have told my partner about my OCD. I have received mixed responses with ERP on this thread, if is the best way to go forward or taking slow and with time. I have had these self loathing thoughts for a while and this just makes it 10 times worse.

Any suggestions?

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