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Real events guilt come back strong

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Thought I was over this but it's come back 

7 years ago I was drinking slot,on 1 occasion my sister in law was asleep,I drunkenly led on her bed,I then got up and left.

On another occasion,I was drunk,I remember seeing my sister in law in the kitchen,I think it was raining and I tried to get in the house but it was locked so I went home.

I feel so guilty that my intention was to cheat,as I have said other stuff about this subject before,I can't take the fact that it could have been my intention,things are better with my partner now but I feel so guilty,I know that telling her would not benefit my relationship at all but this is killing me,the themes change every week but this is something I actually did,drink made me into a total creep,I'm scared I'll confess and lose my partner for good

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Hi Battlethrough

Obviously feel for you, in the way your mind is torturing you. It seems to me it is the 'apparent'

but not followed through intention alongside a sense of guilt, the sense of shame and self rectimination

alongside the secrecy of keeping it from your partner is what is having a relentless corkscrew effect

on your feelings. Just trying to understand if i am hearing you right, both in detail and overall gist.

Please correct me or add to what you have put if you want to email me back then maybe myself

and others (if they wish) can get back to you.

If it is any help at all and we are of course individuals within our ocd issue, but i for my part have felt impulsive whether under the influence of alchohol or not, yet somehow something in me stopped me making the final step in my actions or they became distorted, by that i mean acting out of character. It may have been something i felt compelled to share with my wife but in the end coming over to her very confused with half or nothing added to what i meant. I guess what i am saying is the desire/compulsion was telling me what i was going to do but when it came to practically carrying out, i couldn't quite do it.

Ocd is masterful at telling us what we are going to do and all the 'bad' motives behind it, when alchohol steps in the paranoia, guilt and sense of despair that can engender can feel devastating.

It is also clear to me if i am hearing you right just how much you care as a person and love your wife.

I don't know if any of this helps even a smidgeon or small step it can feel like we have concreted ourself in, but in

my experience tapping away gradually can give us a hint of daylight.

Does any of this help? and what other things could help you in this do you think? what holds you back the most and whatcould loosen that if just a little at first. It's a cliche but true, be compassionate towards yourself whenever you can even if it only feels accessible in fragments amidst the hurt and build from there. My sincere best wishes to you in all of this -jules

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Thank you for your kind words,I have conffesed so much to my partner that it has caused her appt of pain,but even after all this time I feel I need to tell her because she has a right to know,but I also know it's selfish

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Reading back,it seems so wrong,drunk or not,I feel so panicked at work,my entire past is full of disrespectful thoughtless things,I really want to confess and feel it's worthier than other themes as there was actions,can't believe this has come back,just want a happy life with the woman I love,how could I be such a sleez with many things when I truly love her

Edited by battlethrough

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You will keep feeling terrible until you change the way you respond to these thoughts. You know they are ocd, you are talking about them on an ocd forum and you know this has all the hallmarks of your other obsessions. But you respond with compulsion after compulsion and this is why you feel so awful. What could you do differently this time?

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Thanks GBG,I know it must be frustrating for people on here,I'm so exhausted,just when one theme goes to the back then another comes forward,all presenting themselves as the worst,but this isn't just mind stuff,this is things I did,or at least pursued,I think, although very drunk it's unacceptable when in a relationship,just so so tired of life and holding secrets,as this wasn't just in the mind it's a secret,I disgust myself,shouldn't speak negatively about myself but I view myself as disgusting and vile

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Many in this case she should know,I understand mind stuff but pursuing,that's creepy and she should be able to choose to be with a man like that

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Sorry for attention seeking,I know I can't tell her but I feel like I will feel guilty over this for the rest of my life as they were 7 years ago,I also couldn't leave her so I feel locked in my own head with genuine guilt

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Hi battlethrough

I know how very strong your obsession is right now ad how powerful your distress.  I have been in an incredibly similar place to you and it's horrendous.  I know how badly you want someone to say or do something to take your distress away - but it really won't help.  You need to take back control.

Something that's really telling is where you put this:

4 hours ago, battlethrough said:

I understand mind stuff 

really? Because until recently you thought your fantasies were the absolute worst thing in the world.  And now, all of a sudden, you can understand fantasies aren't that bad.

Could it be that when you're caught up in the middle of an obsession, you can't see it for what it really is?

You feel like this is different, the worst theme, it's different because XYZ, this that and the other.  But you've thought that about every other them as well.

Most of my themes revolve around my partner too, and having done something bad - every time a new theme strikes, I think ohmygod this is different this time, this is real. It was only when I gritted my teeth and took a blanket no-rumination approach to EVERYTHING, no matter how real, that I started to get better.  And now I'm doing OK, after having been in the depths of despair you are now in.

You can get out of this but you have to turn it around, you have to decide to stop taking it seriously, no matter what your brain throws at you. 

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Same old, same old. You got intrusive thoughts, they took you back, you freaked out, anxiety, doubt and guilt built, you wanted to confess again, you came here looking for reassurance, yada yada.

How's that working for you?

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You keep doing the same thing over and over and complain that you're back where you started. You've got to figure it out. The reason you are stuck in the same place as years ago is because you keep doing the same thing over and over. I can't make this much simpler.

 

Edited by PolarBear

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So I get a memory of something inappropriate I have done at some point then the rumination starts,it feels out of my control and throws More things as if to build a case against me,then it builds and builds untill I can't take it and seek reassuring through Google and people then eventually confess,and the cycle begins again,it's so hard to strip it back because I honestly feel I have no control over rumination no matter what I try

Edited by battlethrough

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Now you are getting it.

Ruminating is very difficult to get a handle on. It's not easy to slow down and stop. It can be done. It takes constant attempts. You have to try and try.

But first, you have to give yourself permission to not focus on those moments from your past, to not punish yourself.

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I will try harder,years of this habit of the same cycle,if I could just refocus but it's as if it fills my whole brain,I know compulsions make it worse but the anxiety gets so much vthat even that fake reassurance gives me a second of peace even though I know it's totally wrong,I am trying with my therapist to look at ways to delay ruminating,many years habit to change

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On 12/11/2018 at 10:15, battlethrough said:

Thought I was over this but it's come back 

7 years ago I was drinking slot,on 1 occasion my sister in law was asleep,I drunkenly led on her bed,I then got up and left.

On another occasion,I was drunk,I remember seeing my sister in law in the kitchen,I think it was raining and I tried to get in the house but it was locked so I went home.

I feel so guilty that my intention was to cheat,as I have said other stuff about this subject before,I can't take the fact that it could have been my intention,things are better with my partner now but I feel so guilty,I know that telling her would not benefit my relationship at all but this is killing me,the themes change every week but this is something I actually did,drink made me into a total creep,I'm scared I'll confess and lose my partner for good

Look man you've got ROCD, the only way through this is living with the uncertainty that you may have had bad intentions, because whether it was 7 minutes or 7 months or 7 years ago you will never EVER be sure that this was your true intention! I'm doing ERP at the moment and no amount of compulsions will bring peace because when you think you've solved one riddle of OCD another one will pop up in its place. You know how this works, you have been told this countless times but yet you still allow yourself to fold and get swamped. I know I sound harsh but I've been where you are with every girlfriend I've ever had, believing I wanted there sisters, best friends, more than them and as a result getting intrusive thoughts about infidelity and then trying to work it out a long time later and because I didn't get certainty I would have the feeling " oh well just confess because it's easier to get reassurance than it is to work out what really happened" therefore a double edged sword. 

Maybe look at it like this - if you truly love your wife then use that as a weapon against the OCD and live with the uncertainty whilst at the same time paying these issues no mind so much that you'd be finally able to convince yourself more that this really is OCD. So you had the thoughts of temptation, so what, you didn't do anything ?? 

Or you can carry on engaging this BS and ruin your relationship, because that's how it's going every time you engage in compulsions - granted it's not your fault because you're ill, but if I can live with uncertainty with POCD i.e. did I do something that time on a bus in 2009 then I'm pretty sure you can. Save your marriage. Fight.

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