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The 'feelings' with ocd


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Hi guys. 

I've got so used to having this disorder that I have forgotten how to be happy, I just feel like my head is so messed up, i have so much to solve, if I don't it means I'm hiding something bad, I'm bad and don't deserve to move forward. It's just exhausting. 

Anyway the post is just something I Want to get out, I don't know if it's a repeat. I just feel it all bottling up.

I want to know if anyone understands what Im trying to explain

The feelings that come with ocd and how it feels real, literally real

When I had my 'event' that I've been going over for years, the feelings at the time have made it impossible to know what everything means and I know people will say you don't need to KNOW but I do.

OK so when I had my intrusive thoughts come into my head it lead me to feel like I was able, or could easily act on them, (acting for me is speaking just so you know it's not harm ocd) 

So OK it's there, ocd is suggesting "what if I speak this thought" "it could just slip out" with these thoughts came FEELINGS...like it was suggesting it to me and I felt like I could just do it, I don't know why, why does it feel like an urge when it's the last thing you want? Why does it feel like this? It feels like I was glad of the control but I somehow was trying to show ocd that I was in charge in that moment. Is this testing? What is this feeling? I just want to know why it FEELS like a real urge? 

Does it make me a bad person for getting the thought and then pausing to think "I could just do it" feeling this urge...how do I know what's real? Is it a real urge? 

When this urge was happening part of me thought nah I'm not falling for ocds rubbish....but another part made me.feel like I was blancing on the edge and I don't know why? 

It happened a couple of times, I tried to avoid the thoughts but they kept coming.... I tried to say no but I feel like it kept drawing me in to respond to it...

As soon as I felt myself listening to the thoughts again I felt like I was testing myself but why, why did I feel the need to stick around and prove I wouldn't mess up...why when I could have run away from it?

Can self confidence and logic make you feel like you can stand up to ocd but then the irrational takes over and makes you worse?

I really thought I'd won, I'd figured out it was silly but then I end up worried sick that I made a mistake.

I know this post is one long rumination I know, but I'm hoping someone can pick out the parts about FEELINGS and give me insight please.

It's almost like I see the ocd coming and I try to prove in a moment of confidence that I would be fine...almost like "say this line correctly or else" and I try to say it correctly but start to mess up..then I think why did I bother TRYING to prove I could do it? 

I tried to show that I wouldn't speak and I felt like it wouldn't fool me...it fooled me.

I don't get why I found myself picturing my fear...why did I move my mouth even a tiny bit, can you automatically respond to a thought? 

I'm going insane.

Here were the thoughts and the responses...

"how would a person speak under a breath and not know?" 

"is it possible.to speak under a breath"

Response was automatically seeing if I could speak under my breath...and as it was happening I realised and froze...I don't even remember it starting it was automatic! I was shocked. 

The second one that makes me so guilty is 

"what if you said half of it, not all of it, is that OK?"

Moments later I realise I'm moving my mouth slightly and it's making a noise and it freaks me out! Was this another automatic response? 

I cannot understand why I was risking it, if I fear speaking why did I picture doing it, to prove I wouldn't? 

Why does this feel so bad?

I really don't understand what happened or why or what's real anymore, I know it's not helping trying, I just want to know why these things happened 

I feel it's taken the slightest things and made me question everything. 

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I felt like I'd won, I was sure of myself and the slightest thing actually took this away, it took the slightest doubt and it ruined me! 

So should I blame myself for showing off to ocd, was I trying to be bad? 

Why do I feel like the moment I got some peace I tempted fate and screwed up?

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OK is this an easier question...

If you feel these urges does ocd make you feel like you need to test yourself to see if you could do it?

I don't understand why when I am so careful all the time, how in that moment I relaxed and it immediately fooled me.

So if I don't stay on guard and be super careful 24/7 this is what happens.

 

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You've GOT TO STOP THIS!!!! Enough!

Threads like this need to be locked. They are pure compulsions. You have started, I hazard a guess, at least 50 of these written ruminations. Every time you are told they are compulsions, thry are unhelpful and only serve to keep you stuck. But you keep doing it, over and over.

It's like you have been trying to unlock a door with the wrong key for years. You just keep trying and trying but the door won't open. We're here trying to tell you to stop trying to use that key. No matter how hard you try, you won't unlock the door.

You just aren't listening. I fail to see what you are here for. We are NOT going to answer your questions or engage with your compulsions

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Has anyone with ocd ever felt like they were half in control but also an urge to test theirselves, or am I just bad. I don't know what feeling is real any more, I felt like I had a voice saying you're fine and a voice saying but you could do it.

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3 minutes ago, PolarBear said:

You've GOT TO STOP THIS!!!! Enough!

Threads like this need to be locked. They are pure compulsions. You have started, I hazard a guess, at least 50 of these written ruminations. Every time you are told they are compulsions, thry are unhelpful and only serve to keep you stuck. But you keep doing it, over and over.

It's like you have been trying to unlock a door with the wrong key for years. You just keep trying and trying but the door won't open. We're here trying to tell you to stop trying to use that key. No matter how hard you try, you won't unlock the door.

You just aren't listening. I fail to see what you are here for. We are NOT going to answer your questions or engage with your compulsions

I know I know delete it all if you want to my heads just a mess

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6 minutes ago, ocdsufferer85 said:

Going mad, literally. There's no way to fix my head I just don't wanna be here anymore! 

No, you're not going mad but in order to change that feeling.....you have to make changes.  It may seem impossible, it may fill you with fear, it may be extremely challenging BUT as I and PB can attest, it is possible to live a content and happy life but it is critical that you learn from the advice available and start the process of implementing the changes you need to make, "despite" the anxiety it will invoke.  I wish I could say there was an anxiety free way of doing this, sadly, that wouldn't be helpful....it's tough but do-able.

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Testing is a compulsion to see if intrusion still bothers you. This needs to stop. 

No point in posting an entire rumination as it brings up so many questions feeding your initial intrusion. We can’t help with these questions as it will raise more questions and more as you search for the answer which you will never find. So stop being hard on yourself. Let it go. 

Have you ever let what your thinking come out of your mouth?I doubt you have! So trust yourself! Expose yourself to it. Deliberately talk to people. See what happens. ERP. 

i sometimes look at someone and think “god you such an idiot” but I don’t say it. It’s normal to think stuff and not say it. Trust yourself

What’s  the worse  that could happen? The thought slips out ?? 

This is your worse fear which is the exact opposite of how you see yourself. So it doesn’t fit. I get this. But you must have trust in yourself. OCD makes you doubt everything. See it as the bully trying to get your attention. 

Nip it in the bud. Do not test yourself. 

 

Edited by Dawnie
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On 01/12/2018 at 02:34, Caramoole said:

No, you're not going mad but in order to change that feeling.....you have to make changes.  It may seem impossible, it may fill you with fear, it may be extremely challenging BUT as I and PB can attest, it is possible to live a content and happy life but it is critical that you learn from the advice available and start the process of implementing the changes you need to make, "despite" the anxiety it will invoke.  I wish I could say there was an anxiety free way of doing this, sadly, that wouldn't be helpful....it's tough but do-able.

How can an illness take your happiness with the slightest of actions, it's like living on a knife edge

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