Need advice - is this OCD?

[freyab96]

Hello,

I need some advice to find out whether this problem of mine is OCD or not. It's been driving me mad and I need to know what to do next.

Since I was about 10 years old, I've been having this problem, which I just call my "bathroom habit". It's been on and off over the years, but it's never truly gone away and over the past year in particular it has been a consistent issue.

I apologise in advance to those of you who may be squeamish when it comes to toilets. Basically whenever I go to the toilet, after I've finished urinating, it still feels like I haven't "gone properly" and so I try again, and it still doesn't feel right, I try again and I just get stuck in this viscious cycle where I'm too afraid to finish up and leave the bathroom. Sometimes I've ended up staying in there for over an hour. Other times I'll be fine and won't have trouble with it. I know that it's nothing to do with anxiety, or certain things I'm drinking, because I've kept diaries etc. and I can't see any obvious pattern.

I remember a time when I was younger where for some reason, I kept needing the loo more often than usual. It was on a school trip, in the summer when it was really hot and we were told to drink plenty of water to keep hydrated. Thinking back now, that probably happened just because I was drinking too much water, but I was scared that something embarrassing would happen to me in front of all the other children. At one point, I thought I'd wet myself but actually, my underwear was just damp with sweat because of the heat. I think this is what triggered my fear of something bad happening if I don't "go properly".

This has been severely affecting my sleep (because I usually use the bathroom before I go to bed, so when I stay in there for ages I end up going to bed late), when I'm out with friends and I happen to use a public toilet then they comment on how long I took, and worst of all, my lack of sleep has made an impact on my attendance at work and so I have ended up unemployed twice this year.

I saw a doctor about it years ago who referred me to hospital, they scanned my bladder and told me nothing was wrong. Like I said, it's been an on/off thing so it couldn't be anything physical. When I was about 17, I contacted a therapist who diagnosed it as OCD, but college got in the way of my appointments so I had to cancel them (I wasn't even able to make the first session). Earlier this year, when I first became unemployed, I got in contact with the same mental health service who this time diagnosed it not as OCD, but an anxiety-related issue. I tried to tell them that it isn't something that only happens when I'm anxious - I could be perfectly fine and still be struggling. But they ignored me and put me into CBT. My first appointment, I went in and explained my problem to the therapist who literally sat there and said to me, "That makes no sense." I nearly burst into tears - it's hard enough having to explain my problem to a stranger - for them to basically tell me I'm crazy just made me feel 10x worse. I didn't continue going to my appointments after that.

So now I'm not sure where to turn, or what to make of it. Is this OCD? Or maybe something else entirely? I'm starting my new job tomorrow and I don't want this to put my employment in jeopardy yet again. Last night I was in the bathroom for 2 hours, and there hasn't been a single night this week where I've gone to bed on time. It makes me so frustrated with myself that I just can't stand it anymore. I talked to my partner about it, who told me to definitely get advice for my problem here but that I should still go into work as normal. I suppose I have no real choice, given how my unemployment has affected our financial situation. I haven't mentioned my problem to my new employer yet for fear of putting them off, and also because I don't know for sure if this is OCD yet. And I've been too afraid to see my GP about it too, in case they don't take me seriously either. I just don't know what to do - any advice? :(

Thank you for reading.

[dksea]

Hi Freya, sorry to hear you are struggling so much.  While I'm not a professional and can't officially diagnosis you I will say that yes, your situation does sound very much like OCD to me, in part because it parallels some of my own struggles with OCD over the years.  Though my problems weren't exactly the same as yours I think you'll see some similarities.
My own OCD first became a problem for me when I was about 13.  Unfortunately I had the stomach flu one day and didn't make it out of the classroom in time.  I went and got sick in front of my classmates, definitely embarrasing.  Now that sort of things happens to people and it might have been reasonable to worry for a little while after but for me it went much further.  Suddenly any time i started to feel like I might even KINDA be having stomach trouble I would go to the nurses office.  I was so worried about my stomach that my parents took me in to the doctor for some medical exams to see if i had some sort of stomach issue (ulcer, etc.)  Well they didn't find a thing, and from there it went to therapy.  It wasn't CBT therapy, just talk therapy, but fortunately for me the therapist recognized my symptoms as being likely OCD and refered me to a psychiatrist who officially diagnosed me.  That was a major stepping stone on my own journey to recovery, but my anxiety about stomach issues continued for many years, though not as bad as before.  So for me the OCD was triggered by a real incident that lead to a series of preventative/fear based behaviors afterwords, just like yours.  Interestingly I had another, though less severe, anxiety that I struggled with around the same time.  In my case it was very similar to yours, the idea of needing to go to the bathroom sometime and not being allowed to.  In my case it traced back to a teacher who told me i had to wait when I felt like I needed to go.  I'm sure she was doing what most teachers would, and figured I could wait until break time (I could) but for whatever reason (OCD) that stuck with me and for quite some time I would ALWAYS go to the bathroom during breaks, whether I felt like I had to or not on the off chance I would feel like I needed to later but wouldn't be allowed.  To be honest I hadn't thought about that aspect of my OCD in years, but your story brought it all back!  Funny how life works

Anyway, the point is, it definitely sounds like what you are going through could be OCD.  OCD is acombination of the obsessive thought/worry (in your case "what if i'm not done peeing yet") and a compulsive response to assuage that sense of worry/doubt (in your case trying to make sure you go and there is nothing left).  Unfortunately for those of us with OCD something in our brains doesn't work quite right and certain thoughts get "stuck" in our heads, feeling like it isn't complete, it isn't ok to move on.  These can often be phrased as "what ifs".  "What if I throw up in public?"  "What if Im not really done peeing?" "What if I forgot to turn off the stove?"  "What if my hands aren't clean?"  "What if....?"  While a non-OCD person would be able to shrug these off, be able to push the doubt away, for OCD sufferers its much much harder.  Thats the bad news, the good news is you can learn how to do it, you can train yourself to respond to OCD's intrusive thoughts and doubts in a more "correct" way.  I highly recommend you check out the great information on the main OCD-UK site.  There is some great information for how to handle talking with your doctor and OCD resources you can bring with you.  If you are in the UK they even have some great guidance on getting help through the NHS.

Its terrible you are suffering but whether its OCD or something else (i think its probably OCD), you deserve to be helped and to be treated by the medical community in a professional and caring manner.  I'm sorry you had to go through such a disheartening situation with that last therapist, its very unprofessional to respond that way and someone trained in CBT should know better.  But I hope you won't let that one bad egg dissuade you from seeking the help you need and deserve!  Best of luck and again, welcome to the forums.

[Lost_in_a_Dark_Maze]

Hello, how are you getting on? I found your thread while searching about the same issue. I have had the problem all my life (did not realise until relatively recently that it was part of my OCD) and am struggling with it a lot at the moment. I have never read anything that described me so exactly before.