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jamie2011

In need of help

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Thanks for the reply. I know I just have to hang in there for the moment and take things as they come. The difficulty is not reading in to my thoughts and labelling them as making me a bad person. Yesterday I just felt really low about everything. 

The situation with the heating hasn't turned out as hoped and I am literally not in a good place about it. My support worker told me that the course of action would mean that I would have to stay away from my home whilst the work is being carried out. That all my flooring would need to come up. The whole thing feels too much and I would rather have no heat than have to deal with all that. There are so many reasons I feel I cannot do it. The anxiety of it all made me feel like I wanted to cry. That has also affected my mood. Feeling stupid that I cannot even consider doing what needs to be done. I just don't think I can do it.

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On 31/01/2019 at 07:18, jamie2011 said:

The difficulty is not reading in to my thoughts and labelling them as making me a bad person.

It is difficult but you can change how you respond to these thoughts. When I started dealing with the OCD I did what we all do and read the self-help books and articles geared towards beating the disorder and came across this sentence by Fred Penzel from his article about surrendering:

The thought of opposing your thoughts isn’t always easy to grasp. This is because we humans tend to walk around with the idea that because we think something, it must mean something, must be important because we thought it, and must be acted on. In the case of OCD, however, this doesn’t turn out to be true. 

Lost_in_a_dark_maze was recently talking about having a lightbulb moment, reading those lines was mine.

It's really okay to experience thoughts we'd rather we didn't, it doesn't make us bad people. But by taking them at face value and misinterpreting them as important you"re then also falling into the trap of making negative judgements about yourself, and on the cycle goes. It isn't easy but rather than labelling them and yourself as bad for having them you need to label them simply as intrusive, and (this is the vital bit) refuse to engage with them despite the urge to try to work out what they mean about you. Later down the line exposing yourself to the thoughts will be needed but it really has to be done gradually and probably with the support of your team.

On 31/01/2019 at 07:18, jamie2011 said:

The situation with the heating hasn't turned out as hoped and I am literally not in a good place about it. 

I hadn't realised it was that big a job but don't be beating yourself up more about it. Most people aren't happy having major renovations done in their home, let alone also having to deal with OCD.

Maybe let the idea settle but if it still feels too much, perhaps this is something you'll feel better about addressing sometime in the future. In the meantime though, do you have any heat at all from a gas fire or an electric radiator? 

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I can appreciate how you have explained just experiencing the thoughts and not labelling them. I cannot agree more about sentence you added from Fred Penzel. There is a large part of me that is putting meaning to my thoughts and that because I am having them it must mean something. Hopefully with some more work I can accept them as they happen and know they are just thoughts and that is it.

I guess there is a lot going on at the moment and I am struggling to get my head around things. I have realised that I am not managing as much as I thought I was. 

Thanks for your words on the heating situation. I haven't made a decision on it yet, but am going more towards not being able to get it sorted now. There is too much anxiety around it all. I cannot even express it to my support worker. I feel like my reasons will sound stupid to anyone else, but to me they aren't. I do have an electric heater, but don't use it often. Again it isn't straight forward. So my TV only works in the bedroom and I can't use the heater in there because of the size of the room (instructions from the product manual). So if I was to use the heater it will only heat the living room (biggest room for ventilation), where I don't spend so much time. So to manage that I tend to stay in the bedroom in bed because it is the warmest place, I can watch TV or read. Also there is the cost of using the electric. Yeah so I know ideally getting the heating fixed is the best choice, but right now I don't feel I can manage what needs to be done. It has impacted on me more than I thought it would. I find it hard to accept that for now I cannot manage it.

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Sorry to post again. I just seem to be struggling a lot at the moment. I don't really know what to do with everything. I am getting moments where I feel like I can't fight no more. I am now starting to wonder if I am doing compulsions that I am not actually aware I am doing. I understand the process of how being triggered, anxiety rises and then performing a compulsion to reduce the anxiety. This only helps in short term and in long term the intrusive thoughts return.

What I don't quite get is what compulsions I am doing. I suspect there is more going on and I haven't really considered it as a compulsion.

I am struggling with a few things and it might not come out right, but I wonder if I am making things more difficult. So I have this need to know exactly what I am struggling with because I constantly worry things are being missed and that I won't get the right help. This has been made worse recently due to having a lot of conversations with different people. I have had many different diagnosis over the years and this has just confused things for me. I seem to be reading books, articles online, watching youtube vidoes, all in the hope that I can understand what is going on. This also gives me anxiety because I then fear I am wanting to have a certain diagnosis. That I want attention. This has been an ongoing problem for years (10+), but I have never seen it as an obsessive thought. Looking at it now, perhaps I can see I am looking for something that I cannot get. I find myself talking to others about different things I struggle with. I mean is that a compulsion? Am I having this conversations to try and confirm what might be going on. I just have this need to know exactly what I am dealing with. That I need to understand how everything works. It is driving me insane. I just feel I am probably doing more things that are making this more difficult.

The second issue that I am struggling with is to do with gender identity. Around 3-4 years ago I came to a conclusion that I must want to be the other sex. If I saw the opposite sex I would look at their hair and wonder if I wanted the same style. I would look at their physique and wonder if I wanted to look the same. I didn't know whether I was attracted to them or wanted to be like them. I started buying clothes that the opposite sex would wear. I would wear them. I felt the need to tell people this was who I truly was. However it wasn't something I actually felt certain of. I read things online, read books, watched documentaries. I was never sure of what I truly felt. This went on for a while, but then I never thought about it again. I just carried on as I was prior. I know I don't exactly fit the stereotype for my born gender. I have no issues with people with regards to their sex or gender. It doesn't cause any problems for me. A big problem is that I have a number of siblings of the opposite sex to me and I was the youngest. I was the child that was longed for. For a very long time I have felt a let down for not meeting those expectations. It has caused serious problems where I feel a failure and that I am not accepted as I am due that. Someone once mentioned that this sounded like OCD and I never really considered it. So fast forward to now, I had a conversation with someone about my failure as not matching up to my born gender. It has just snowballed from there. Now I am going round in circles questioning everything, trying to look for signs that I may not want to be who I am or if I am in the wrong body. Not knowing if I am attracted to people of the opposite sex or it is that I want to look like them. I guess the major affect of this is that I feel like I am not ok as I am, that I am not the child that had been hoped for and I will never be able to fix that. I don't know if that is where my anxiety is. My fear that I will never be accepted. Obviously more to this in the sense that there is some truth to it. That I have been judged on what I wear from close family. So that just drives the problem more. I don't know how to deal with this. I know that all that is going to happen is I will research or start looking for signs or look at different clothes styles. I know too that there is an issue that I am searching for a 100% answer. I cannot cope with not knowing anything for sure. For 3 years I hadn't even thought about it, just carried on as normal, embarrassed by the fact that I told people I wanted to change sex. I am still embarrassed now by it. Now it has popped right back in and I am questioning it all again. I mean I cannot even understand if this is anxiety, because I actually don't have an issue with the idea of someone feeling like they want to change gender or be recognised as a different gender than born with. I just don't know if my anxiety is the fear of not being the person that was wanted. Even though I am an adult I still carry this with me and cannot get past it.

Apologies for this. I am just starting to possibly see that I am getting stuck on both of the above. I keep thinking I must be fine because to see me in person it wouldn't be obvious things are going on. It is easier to spot some compulsions that are more obvious.

I am just going crazy. I don't want to be in my head anymore. I need some kind of outlet and release. I just want to cry, but can't. I just don't know who I am and if I am being genuine.

How do I know when I am carrying out a compulsion?

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On 02/02/2019 at 08:24, jamie2011 said:

Thanks for your words on the heating situation. I haven't made a decision on it yet, but am going more towards not being able to get it sorted now. 

If it wasn't for the cost I'd be tempted to move your bed into the biggest room with the heater. It's not ideal but it would only be for a few more wks until the worst of the winter weather's over with. I know you must be on a very tight budget, are there any areas though where you could make some savings to put towards paying the extra heating costs? It's important to keep warm for your overall health.

On 02/02/2019 at 17:33, jamie2011 said:

So I have this need to know exactly what I am struggling with because I constantly worry things are being missed and that I won't get the right help....That I need to understand how everything works. It is driving me insane. 

Speaking only as someone who also has OCD but with no formal training in mental health...I would say OCD has latched onto your mental health in the same sort of way it can with physical issues and health anxiety. We've chatted about this before and the need you feel to absolutely know for sure if the diagnoses you've received and information you've been given are correct and the online research you're carrying out all sound like compulsions to ease your anxiety to me. It's obviously natural for anyone finding their way to want to research and understand an issue whether physical or mental and to talk to family and friends about it, but not to a level that it causes so much distress and you feel driven insane by it.

I must say this again though, I'm not a therapist or psychiatrist.

On 02/02/2019 at 17:33, jamie2011 said:

The second issue that I am struggling with is to do with gender identity.

The usual caveat here too...I'm certainly no expert when it comes to gender dysphoria. My take on what you've described would be that this too is OCD rather than genuine dysphoria.

Your need again for absolute certainty about your gender while also not giving it a second thought for so long until the thought was triggered again recently, points pretty strongly to the disorder imo. It's also interesting you say you wondered if you wanted the same hairstyle or physique as the opposite gender.

I'd imagine if someone's experiencing gender dysphoria there will be a very strong innate sense/feeling and desire to physically be the gender they emotionally and mentally feel themselves to be w/o doubt.  To wonder sounds hazy and perhaps more doubtful?

Perhaps the question (an intrusive question?) around hairstyles/physiques suddenly flashed through your mind one day and you bought into it, and by experimenting with dressing in clothes of the other sex you were possibly testing your reaction and how it made you feel?

From what you say that episode seems to have faded, but left a lingering idea that has now tied-in with how you feel about yourself, your low esteem and how you feel you've let your family down. There might be an element of wanting a fresh start and feeling the best way to go about that would be by creating an entirely new identity through changing gender. It would be an extreme response to help you cope with how you feel, but to some extent I guess throughout our lives we do reinvent certain aspects of ourselves.

I think you need to try and accept whatever we do or don't achieve in life our lives always have value. I always remembering watching a documentary about Joan Plowright a couple of yrs ago where she said 'never equate who you are with your lowest point '

You've had a lot to cope with over your life but whatever the impact these struggles have had on you, they shouldn't and don't define who you are.

Have you spoken to your family about how you feel about this? I really think you should because I wouldn't be surprised if they don't share these harsh judgements you make about yourself, maybe they're actually proud of you for living with the challenges you've had to face.

Going back to the gender issue though, these are just my thoughts to possibly help join the dots but I really think you need to talk to your psychiatrist and let them help you untangle this more.

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7 minutes ago, Hal said:

If it wasn't for the cost I'd be tempted to move your bed into the biggest room with the heater. It's not ideal but it would only be for a few more wks until the worst of the winter weather's over with. I know you must be on a very tight budget, are there any areas though where you could make some savings to put towards paying the extra heating costs? It's important to keep warm for your overall health.

Thanks for the suggestion....more complicated than can imagine. It would involve taking the bed apart and putting it back together. I also would struggle to sleep in the room. Basically the whole block has mice and my bedroom is my safe place. Due to location they move between the bathroom, kitchen and living room. I cannot stand them, it is bad enough hearing them running in between the walls at night. Not something I like to think about at all. I think I will be able to manage ok. Once I am in my bedroom I don't feel the cold. 

12 minutes ago, Hal said:

Speaking only as someone who also has OCD but with no formal training in mental health...I would say OCD has latched onto your mental health in the same sort of way it can with physical issues and health anxiety. We've chatted about this before and the need you feel to absolutely know for sure if the diagnoses you've received and information you've been given are correct and the online research you're carrying out all sound like compulsions to ease your anxiety to me. It's obviously natural for anyone finding their way to want to research and understand an issue whether physical or mental and to talk to family and friends about it, but not to a level that it causes so much distress and you feel driven insane by it.

I think I can accept that my OCD has latched on to my mental health and looking back I can see that this has been going on for years. I have struggled with anxiety around physical health and researching/visiting the GP, but have managed to get away from that. Sometimes it rears its head, but I can recognise it for what it is. Perhaps now I have do to the same with the anxiety around having to know for certain what is going on. I can recognise that I am now still searching for 100% and that is not possible. 

17 minutes ago, Hal said:

Your need again for absolute certainty about your gender while also not giving it a second thought for so long until the thought was triggered again recently, points pretty strongly to the disorder imo. It's also interesting you say you wondered if you wanted the same hairstyle or physique as a woman.

I'd imagine if someone's experiencing gender dysphoria there will be a very strong innate sense/feeling and desire to physically be the gender they emotionally and mentally feel themselves to be w/o doubt.  To wonder sounds hazy and perhaps more doubtful?

Perhaps the question (an intrusive question?) around hairstyles/physiques suddenly flashed through your mind one day and you bought into it, and by experimenting with dressing in women's clothes you were possibly testing your reaction and how it made you feel?

From what you say that episode seems to have faded, but left a lingering idea that has now tied-in with how you feel about yourself, your low esteem and how you feel you've let your family down. There might be an element of wanting a fresh start and feeling the best way to go about that would be by creating an entirely new identity through changing gender. It would be an extreme response to help you cope with how you feel, but to some extent I guess throughout our lives we do reinvent certain aspects of ourselves.

Thanks for your thoughts. I would definitely agree that it feels like complete doubt. It is like I have a question I need to have an answer to. So I would see a person and a thought would pop in my mind and I will then question what my thought means. Using the example of the hairstyle. Questioning whether it is attraction or desire. Just thought I would add that it is the opposite, so my thoughts are whether I want a male body, dress like a man. I think you make a good point about that people who do have gender dysphoria have always felt in the wrong body. I say this because my hair style is short and I have on occasions been told by other women I am in the wrong toilets. On one such occasion I lost it and shouted at the woman. I said something of the effect that women don't have to have long hair, that women have short hair too. I guess my anger came out because I felt judged for my choice of hairstyle. I have also been embarrassed when women have walked in, seen me washing my hands and walked back out thinking they had walked in to the men's toilets. Since then I have let my hair grow a little longer because I couldn't deal with it. I guess my point is that if I really wanted to be male then I would have been pleased to be viewed as a male. I have had more situations that I have found awkward.

In terms of the questioning the same happens with relationships. I will question whether I am actually attracted to said person or not. Analyse every thought I have and testing whether that points to an answer. I guess what I am saying is there is a lot that goes on my head, but I am never quite aware of the difficulty it brings. I have a constant flow of questions about my thoughts and why I have them, what it means about me, what would people think if they knew so on. Am I attracted to men or women or both. That one I have accepted and can move on from.

26 minutes ago, Hal said:

Going back to the gender issue though, these are just my thoughts to possibly help join the dots but I really think you need to talk to your psychiatrist and let them help you untangle this more.

 

I don't know who I could talk to about it really. I have my CPN and I do trust them, but I am aware that not everyone understands the nature of OCD and that there are many themes. The gender issue I struggle talking to others about. Especially because of 3 years ago when I really told people about it. Something I now regret. 

Other than that I am just waiting for funding for the CBT. So until then I will have to do my best to try and not engage with the thoughts. 

I actually wondered if it would be a good idea to try and write down what goes through my head for 1 day to see where I am analysing, questioning, where I am researching, talking to others so on to see how much it is taking up my time. I strongly feel that I am spending too much time in my head and I am making things worse.

I am just in a position where I am not liking myself very much, which in turn leads me to want to turn to unhealthy coping mechanisms. I don't want to go there at all.

 

 

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On 03/02/2019 at 17:52, jamie2011 said:

I strongly feel that I am spending too much time in my head and I am making things worse.

Having that insight I wonder if you really need to keep a thought record....maybe finding things to help you focus outwards would be the way forward.

I'm not a great fan of setting a specific timeframe when it comes to recovering from the disorder (too many ups and downs), but having goals to aim towards running alongside CBT has really helped me and bolsters self esteem. I know running's not feasible  at the moment but finding a new focus would help.

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8 hours ago, Hal said:

I'm not a great fan of setting a specific timeframe when it comes to recovering from the disorder (too many ups and downs), but having goals to aim towards running alongside CBT has really helped me and bolsters self esteem. I know running's not feasible  at the moment but finding a new focus would help.

I think you make a valid point about not putting a time frame on recovery and the benefit of setting goals. I know I can often get depressed at the length of time I have just been existing rather than living and then the struggle of knowing I am not getting any younger.

I have seemed to have hit a real difficult patch. So since I last posted I haven't been engaging in reading information/watching videos or anything that would stimulate more anxiety. I have found myself still getting the thoughts, but am again trying to not engage with them. Made me realise how much time I had spent doing such things. The problem is my mood is quite low and when this happens I lean towards really unhealthy thoughts. I had met with my support worker and we discussed me trying to attend a community fitness class and that I would follow this up by letting them know if I attended or not. I wasn't able to go and this impacted badly on me. I contacted my support worker and told them I wouldn't be seeing them anymore because I cannot expect anyone to help me if I cannot help myself. I hate myself so much and cannot understand why I just have no motivation to do anything. I just have no hope that I can change right now and I feel like I am just pulling away from everything. I don't even want to be around anyone right now.

Sorry just feeling very negative about everything lately, including how I feel about myself.

 

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It's very easy to suggest what I think would help you, I know it's incredibly hard sometimes to keep putting one foot in front another when you're feeling weighed down by so much, but that's you must try to do. 

Try to be kinder to yourself, hating yourself will only leave you feeling even less motivated to do the things that ultimately are going to improve how you feel about yourself and keep you stuck in the loop. You didn't feel up to going to that one class but it doesn't follow you can't go to the next one?

We all stumble and find it difficult changing old habits before feeling a benefit from making them.. the key's keeping the long term goal in sight despite the potholes along the way.

The class might feel like the last place you want to be, but you would come away from it feeling a real sense of achievement that you did it. Have faith in yourself. You will be strong enough to get through those moments where you're struggling without falling back into old coping methods. For a start you've recognised what they are, that's half the battle sometimes, so could you go against isolating yourself by arranging to meet up with a friend over the weekend? 

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Thanks for the reply. Feeling a bit guilty about you taking time to read and respond to my post.

I can appreciate that I need to try and think differently about myself, things I do or don't do. Things are really not great and it has got to a point where I feel I have only one option left. I have managed to reach out to my CPN and we spoke at great length. Was very difficult to do and at times felt at breaking point. I find it very hard to fully express the distress, but have tried my best to be open and speak up. It has been a little difficult since being aware that I may have let some of the walls down.

I have plans to meet a friend, but it won't be for a while. So until then will try and keep myself occupied. Hopefully I can try and do some exercise to try and help with my mood.

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On 09/02/2019 at 16:24, jamie2011 said:

Feeling a bit guilty about you taking time to read and respond to my post.

It's kind of you to be so considerate but genuinely please don't feel guilty. I want to try to help if I can but I don't want you to feel you have to reply if you don't feel up to it. Support's always here whenever you post whether it be tomorrow, next week or a month from now, always go with what you want to do. I'm glad though you've reached out to your CPN, I know that must have taken a lot of strength...I hope they're giving you the support you deserve. Please hold onto how much you've achieved recently.

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Hi Hal, Thank you for your message and support. I hope you are keeping well and enjoying this nice weather (that is if it is nice where you are).

It has been a pretty tough week all in all. Not so much OCD related, more of the emotional stuff and thinking a lot about different things. I was glad I had reached out to my CPN, but it was tough allowing myself to be a bit more vulnerable. When I feel things too much, the emotional pain and it is hard for me to feel like I can cope any longer. Which leads to thoughts about engaging in unhealthy acts. However I have done my best to fight through it.

This week I was able to meet with my support worker and discuss why I had wanted to stop support. We discussed and decided to work as we go along. That they appreciate nothing goes in one straight line. There are ups and downs. They were pleased that I agreed to meet to explain what I had been thinking.

I was also due to see my CPN and knew that I had to do something I hadn't done before. (mostly the things about getting attached and some other difficult subjects). So I wrote everything down and when I saw them gave it to them to read. It was anxiety provoking, but I think I felt now was the time to just bite the bullet as they say. I feel some relief now. That I have allowed myself to share some deeply held thoughts and beliefs. These are things I have carried with me for many years unable to tell anyone.

I have also had my assessment to check my knee and have been referred to physiotherapy. There isn't anything serious wrong, but there is three different issues that could be making the knee pain when they are combined together. So I am free to try and start getting more active. I don't think I will go straight in to running, perhaps build myself up with something like swimming.

I have also made contact with someone I previously did some work experience with and hope to try and get back involved. There will be things that need working on, but hope that this won't be too much of an issue.

So even though I have been in some very difficult places and have felt like I couldn't take no more I have tried to just get through it. This is going to take some work. Hopefully by being more open with others can help me start to move forward little by little.

I know if I don't continue to challenge myself the outcome could be very different. Thanks again for being there to support me, it really does mean a lot. Just knowing that someone is listening. 

 

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On 15/02/2019 at 16:26, jamie2011 said:

So even though I have been in some very difficult places and have felt like I couldn't take no more I have tried to just get through it. This is going to take some work. Hopefully by being more open with others can help me start to move forward little by little.

I know if I don't continue to challenge myself the outcome could be very different. 

:)Just brilliant. You could easily have chosen not to keep taking steps forwards but you haven't, you've actively kept working at it. You can't ask more of yourself than that. Gradually everything's going to come together because you're going against how you feel at times and marching forwards, in my book that's the definition of strength.

On 15/02/2019 at 16:26, jamie2011 said:

I hope you are keeping well and enjoying this nice weather (that is if it is nice where you are).

I'm not doing too bad, not long before spring so that's something. Although I guess that'll mean I can no longer use the cold weather as a reason for not getting back to the running:a1_cheesygrin:

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Yes it definitely feels like spring will be here in no time. The change in seasons can often make a big difference to how one feels. Maybe if aren't busy you can start out with doing a parkrun on a Saturday morning just to gently ease in. Maybe doing that will get some motivation going to get back in to the running.

On ‎17‎/‎02‎/‎2019 at 19:26, Hal said:

:)Just brilliant. You could easily have chosen not to keep taking steps forwards but you haven't, you've actively kept working at it. You can't ask more of yourself than that. Gradually everything's going to come together because you're going against how you feel at times and marching forwards, in my book that's the definition of strength. 

I'm not doing too bad, not long before spring so that's something. Although I guess that'll mean I can no longer use the cold weather as a reason for not getting back to the running:a1_cheesygrin:

Yes I am trying, I have noticed a big difference lately. My moods are the main problem and I can easily get overwhelmed. The anxiety has eased a great deal and I can assume that is because I am not engaging in ways I was before. There is part of me that wonders if I get the CBT, whether that will be what I need to just get to grips with all the bits that hang around. Obviously it isn't as straight forward as everything completely going, but I would be happy if it was just enough so that I can continue to make changes. I guess the are different areas that need working on and slowly I hope things will fall in to place.

I have managed to go swimming twice this week and I must admit I was so happy with myself the first time I went. I couldn't actually quite believe I was swimming. It also meant that because I went swimming I then didn't go to the café in the morning or read the newspaper. So for a number of years now, I have always followed that routine and it is a big change to skip that. I guess it works well because to cover my swimming costs I cannot do that and the café/newspaper. So it makes more sense to go swimming.

I have made arrangements to visit my nephew soon. I haven't seen him in over 7 months, but feel it is about time I spent some time with him. There is anxiety there (travelling out of my local area/having to engage in conversations), but I just have to remind myself that he won't understand why I haven't been to see him and he is looking forward to me coming. So I don't want to let him down.

So right now it is just about trying to get a bit of a balance.

I hope your week has been ok so far?

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