I've been sucked back in :(

[beckyboo]

Recently started the Exposure part of CBT, 

For months ive been fine, barely even noticing the intrusions and just letting them sit lke background noise which is a huge step! i could finally see light at the end of the tunnel, i felt ready to tackle the last hurdle, i told my therapist if i could overcome this particular theme like i had the others then i would be set for life because the latest theme has been by far the hardest to deal with. 

Our first session of ERP we had to read out an article about the passing of Robin Williams over and over, yes it was upsetting because i felt so bad for him and his family. but it hadnt triggered me, or so i thought. 

this week she said she didnt know if id actually reached a point that id overcome the intrusions and worry already and she was unsure of which way to proceed because i have been so proactive in understanding ocd and recovery that all that was needed was a relapse prevention plan OR to be more hard hitting with the exposure work, she suggested maybe watching 13 reasons why. Now on first thought this had me worried and hesitant, then to seeing some videos on suicide shared on facebook and BOOM i got triggered i think. feel horribly tearful all weekend, to feeling helpless / hopeless to sleeping 14hrs straight because i couldnt face the day, to the old habit of ruminating if it was all ocd playing tricks on me

on putting laundry away came across a box of sharps on top of  cuboard that id forgotten about to the intrusions of they could be used so that spiked my anxiety, to taking my medication and seeing the box thinking it would be so easy to take them all which futher increased the uneasy feeling to thoughts of how awful my kid future would be without me in it.  just feel like ive taken a huge step backards and got stuck in the whole ruminating wether its ocd or not :'( 

so tired of it all really. i wanna live my life and have things i want to accomplish but not if  have to keep fighting like this. ive ended up back in other ocd support groups, posting in here and sat wondering if im dispaying or feeling things that are associated with someone who has ego syntonic suicidal thoughts or if what im feeling or thinking is ego dystonic urgh so ready to overcome this 

[gingerbreadgirl]

Hi becky 

So sorry to hear you're having a rubbish time after things were going well  

I know it feels like it will never go away but this can be just a small blip on the way to recovery, if you let it. I think you know you are doing compulsions around this. Maybe it would be useful to sit down with a pen and paper, make a note of any compulsions you are doing (especially the subtle ones) and work hard at noticing and stopping these as much as you can? I always find that helps me feel a bit more in control. 

[beckyboo]

2 hours ago, gingerbreadgirl said:

Hi becky 

So sorry to hear you're having a rubbish time after things were going well  

I know it feels like it will never go away but this can be just a small blip on the way to recovery, if you let it. I think you know you are doing compulsions around this. Maybe it would be useful to sit down with a pen and paper, make a note of any compulsions you are doing (especially the subtle ones) and work hard at noticing and stopping these as much as you can? I always find that helps me feel a bit more in control. 

its hard to not do things because of the doubt and risks associated i need some help in figuring out the compulsions, i know trying to avoid the thoughts is one of them and being in these forums is another