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How do I accept this.


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So when I pushed with my finger and gripped thumb on baby head to check the bone - it moved in and I wish it only moved in so far, but I went in further than I wanted like it went past the middle and i think thats my ocd too because i dont want to go past the middle of wherever my gauge was, and I think that that might have caused damaged but I got told by doc it wouldnt, but I dont want to have done it, how do I accept that I did it and held it there for like ten seconds to check.

 

 

Edited by humbleno1
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You can. You are unwilling to let it go right now. You are not willing to let yourself off the hook. You think you deserve punishment so you punish yourself by spending your time constantly ruminating, going over it in your head endlessly.

It can all stop, when you choose a different path.

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You want more reassurance. It won't work. You might feel better temporarily but soon enough you'll get thoughts that negate what the neurologist said. What if he's wrong? What if I didn't explain it right? What if he lied? And the whole thing will start up again.

No, a neurologist is not going to fix this. Only you can fix this. You must change your thinking and behavior.

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1 hour ago, PolarBear said:

You want more reassurance. It won't work. You might feel better temporarily but soon enough you'll get thoughts that negate what the neurologist said. What if he's wrong? What if I didn't explain it right? What if he lied? And the whole thing will start up again.

No, a neurologist is not going to fix this. Only you can fix this. You must change your thinking and behavior.

but the obstetrician would know right coz he would have to know that medical knowledge anyway right?

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Hi humbleno

I know it's just the worst, most painful thing imaginable when you're in the middle of things and you're so desperate for someone to do something, anything, to make it OK. It's awful and it feels utterly intolerable. I feel for you so much being stuck in that place right now. 

But somehow, you must dig deep and find that last shred of strength and face up to this. Ocd can NEVER ever ever ever EVER be beaten through compulsions - this will only ever get worse and worse if you carry on trying to find a way out. You must turn round and face ocd and take a leap of faith - no matter how irresponsible and wrong and reckless that feels - and stop trying to get to the bottom of this. Just leave it unresolved. You will feel worse, much worse, at first - but after a while of not responding to the thought, you will start to feel better and your brain will cool down. But it can't cool down while you're frantically trying to get to the bottom of this - it just can't. 

You can do this. You can stop playing ocd's game. You are stronger than ocd. 

Edited by gingerbreadgirl
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1 hour ago, humbleno1 said:

nobody can change that it happened

Thats absolutely true, no one can change the past.  No matter what happened you can't change it.  But you can change the future.  You can spend all your time hating yourself over something that can not change, in which case you will not be able to do anything going forward because you'll spend all your time in worry OR you can accept what you have just said, that this event can not be changed and move forward.  That does not mean it didn't happen.  It doesn't even mean you may not have made a mistake (though your doctor has assured you there is no problem).  It does mean living your life and doing better.

 

1 hour ago, humbleno1 said:

i hate myself, i really really hate myself.

1 hour ago, humbleno1 said:

I literally feel suicidal about this

What is your goal?  Is it to be a good parent? To be a good person?  Ask yourself, how will punishing yourself forever with guilt and never allowing yourself to be happy help you be a good parent?  It won't change whatever it is you did.  It won't make anyone else feel better.  It won't do anything but cause you suffering. Continuing to punish yourself for this, continuing to feed your OCD isn't going to help you, its not going to help your family, its the wrong direction for everyone.  But if you can move forward, if you can improve your situation, manage your OCD it will help you be in a better place and you will be happier and the people around you will be happier.  It makes no sense to continue torturing yourself.  The only person holding you to this impossible standard is yourself.  You can get better and you deserve to get better, but only you can choose that path.

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I appreciate the replies may ask a few more things here, so, even though I kind of accept that, I havent done any damage, i still struggle because "it wasnt in the middle" and also because i think because it wasnt in the middle and "further" it has to have done damage. its like perfectionism of ht emiddle

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