Got spiked big time today and working through it.

[californiadreaming]

I don't want to rehash what spiked me because it's truly not important. Yes, there's a possibility that something is out there that shows me behaving badly, but there's also a possibility it doesn't exist.

I'm trying to just ride it out. I avoided calling my colleague and asking him theoretical questions about this sort of data, but it's been difficult.

I have a hard time with accepting uncertainty if the data may be out there. This might sound odd, but let's say I'm afraid Facebook has my location data. I check it, and it's not there. I can move on because I literally cannot find it there; however, my brain goes to Instagram. I have the burning need to check it. I can let it go if the data truly isn't there, but I can't let it go without checking to see if it's there or not. Does that make sense?

I feel like by not checking I am allowing myself to be a bad person. That is the last piece of the puzzle i'm struggling with in recovery. 

[PolarBear]

Oh well. There's probably a million data points about you out there. So what? I don't look for such nonsense and I'm sure the vast majority of people don't either. If you keep checking, you will never come to a peaceful state. There will always be one more place to look, one more thing to check. The question is, do you want to live like that or do you want to move on?

[californiadreaming]

Hey, PolarBear. I definitely want to move on. That is the EXACT question my therapist asked me a few weeks ago. I know with time and practice it will get easier. I'm really trying over here!

[PolarBear]

I know. Everyone tries. Sometimes they try in the wrong direction. I see my job as coaxing people back onto the right path.

So, yeah, you need to figure out that no matter what source of data you pursue, this won't end. At best it will be a stalemate; at worst things will get more bad than they are now. Stay the course. Forget about who's tracking you and what data they might have on you. It is true in this case: ignorance is bliss.

[californiadreaming]

Thanks, PB! 

Do you think it makes more sense to agree with the thoughts or just ignore them and refocus? 

[PolarBear]

Agreeing with the thoughts is a sort of exposure. Like sitting there and saying out loud, Yes I did this bad thing. Then of course you refrain from doing compulsions.

Sufferers have different ways to dismiss thoughts. Although I did agree with thoughts as part of ERP, on a day to day basis I would tend to think 'eh whatever' when I got an intrusive thought.

[californiadreaming]

Thanks for your insight as always.