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I dont know if this is OCD or real... help me... please


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Im gonna go ahead and say it, i did a disgusting thing when i was a teen.

But first i will give some details about me, i suffer from BPD, Severe case of guilt OCD.... I self harm and i attempted suicide half year ago. I apologize for putting dots everywhere.... another ocd ********.

I can try to give short explanation with my ocd, i sometimes do a small mistake... then i start to feel INCREDIBLY guilty about it... then i feel like i need to confess to people... then i confess to my friends or people online... then i feel relief... than i start to feel guilty again... and the circle repeats... Doctors always say that confessing with ocd is bad and it only makes ocd stronger but... this time i did something bad.... just because i have ocd it doesnt mean that im unable to do truly bad stuff....

My ocd guilts have always been about meaningless stuff, but this time... i think i think i did something really ******* bad.... and it doesnt matter if my ocd latched into it.... its real.... ocd or not. Just wait until i say what i did....

Well.. my sexuality, this is gonna be embarrasing.... im very attracted to tall women, most of the porn i watch is about tall women "amazons" dominating shorter men.... BDSM... and stuff like that... I get aroused when i see a strong woman dominate weak man...

So.... now its gonna be hard.... I should probably say that im 20 years old and i no longer do stuff like what i did but.... the things i will now confess about were things i did when i was 16 to 17....

Im actually shaking...... well.... I have no idea how you people will react... only thing i want you to do is to be honest...

First thing... i masturbated to real street fight videos...people fighting... i got aroused by that... it was not a fictional porn of wrestling... it was real fights and people being hurt... But this is just the first thing... the worst will now come

My greatest shame,.... I found a "women vs men" playlist on youtube. In the playlist there were videos of soft porn and movie scenes of tall women fighting with men....allowed on youtube.... i masturbated to it... it was normal... just movie scenes... but then i found a news report... there was a news report about a babysitter attacking a child... and on that news report they showed and security cam footage of the attack.... i was 17 years old... and i masturbated to it... im ashamed and disgusted with myself.... thats what happened... thats all... i have never done anything illegal... IM NOT attracted to children.... im attracted to tall women....but i masturbated to that footage of child being attacked... i was not aroused because of the child.... i just saw a woman attacking someone smaller.... and i got aroused... end of the story

I just cant forgive myself... for the past year i feel suicidal because of this.... i attempted suicide because of this, but my suicide method was **** and i only managed to get my favorite shirt bloody...

Maybe some of you will remember me... i posted here alot... to confession reddit and here... under different accounts and then i deleted it....i managed to not make a post about this for the past half year but im suicidal again... i feel like i deserve death. Most people told me that its okay as long as i dont do it anymore.... and be sure... i will never do it again... i never searched for that video.. it just showed up in that stupid ******* playlist... and dumb 17 years old me got aroused.... and i still suffer 3 years later... and i honestly cant tell if this is real of ocd... i confessed to my friends... they all told me its ocd... but i dont believe them... i think this time i really ****** up.

To give a short story.... Im a man that is aroused when a bigger woman dominates me... i have fantasies about being abused.... im not attracted to children.... But nothing will change the fact that i masturbated to that ******* news report... i cant forgive myself...

So the questions i ask..... How bad is what i did ? .... be honest ... and second... i isolated myself... im handsome, i can date women but... i feel like im a monster and that i dont deserve to date... i feel like if i want to date i need to confess this to every woman i date... and im not strong enough for that.... so i decided to isolate myself.... few years ago i went to gym everyday... i was very athletic... but since this happened im became skinny fat alcoholic with self harm scars... and i dont know if i judge myself too harshly... i cry almost every day... idk what to think or what to do.... if any of you suffer from ROCD or POCD....do you have any experience with this ? .... is this real ? is this OCD ?

Should i forgive myself this stupid thing i did when i was a dumb teen ? I never did anything illegal.. i never watched anything illegal.... im the only person that was harmed by my action.... is it my moral duty to confess this to every woman i date ?

Im sorry if this sounds like a troll post... but its real... this is how i feel... and even if hundred people already told me its ocd.... i cant believe it.... Yes, its ocd... but that doesnt change the fact that what i did was ****** up... i dont want to use my ocd as an excuse..

This is not a pity party.... i already mutilated myself and ****** my life up for doing this... i punished myself... and you can be sure as hell that i will never do anything like that again... im attracted to dominant tall women thats all.....

I feel like i deserve death for this... i feel like i crossed the line... i know i was a dumb teen but... i cant go back in time and change what was done...

I been through some traumatic **** when i was kid and i dont want to get into that.... its just another excuse i would use....

And please... dont comment with " you have ocd so i wont let you confess because it only makes it worse"..... i already ti

tried going half a year without confession and im already suicidal.... and i dont want to end up like i did half year ago walking around with bloody shirt in the forest and people calling police on me.....

I want to be the old me.... a guy that went to gym and was funny all the time... i became a walking zombie... all beacuse of that ******* news report i masturbated to when i was 17.....

And my brain cant see of its ocd or real... i dont know if its real.... and if what i did was truly monstrous and im a sick person ? It doesnt matter if its ocd or not.... what i did was a real deed....

Again, im sorry if this post sounds like a troll or comical.... im just honest and i wrote how i feel....

is it ocd ? Is what i did truly unforgivable ? ... Im not trying to gain pity to ignore the fact i did something bad, i already punished myself... my life went to **** since i started feeling guilty about this...

 

Im in pain... im in terrible pain... my body is covered with scars and my liver is probably not in the best condition... i dont know how much longer i can go

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Hi Mel,

You are right, what you did did happen, but without OCD in the picture you really wouldn't be going through this amount of pain and torment you so clearly are.

You were 17, show me anyone who doesn't mess up and make mistakes at that age, particularly with hormones raging... do they for the rest of their lives let a mistake that as you say hasn't actually harmed anyone continue to torment themselves?

Absolutely not, this is where the disorder's magnifying and exaggerating this into much much more than it really is.

You need to do as anyone else in the same situation would do, chalk this up to experience, do what you've done by learning from it with resolving not to do it again, and move on from it.

To do that though you're going to have to treat these thoughts appropriately...stop punishing yourself physically with the self harming, stop engaging with the memory itself and what it means about you, it means nothing, stop the self recriminations.... and the self hatred.

All these are keeping this at the forefront of your mind when it should be focused on the here and now and who you are now, and what you want out of life.

You're still very young, you have your whole life ahead of you, a life that shouldn't be defined or tainted by this one action. But to do  that, you do need to begin treating these thoughts around the action itself and what you think it means about you very differently. 

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1 minute ago, Hal said:

Hi Mel,

You are right, what you did did happen, but without OCD in the picture you really wouldn't be going through this amount of pain and torment you so clearly are.

You were 17, show me anyone who doesn't mess up and make mistakes at that age, particularly with hormones raging... do they for the rest of their lives let a mistake that as you say hasn't actually harmed anyone continue to torment themselves?

Absolutely not, this is where the disorder's magnifying and exaggerating this into much much more than it really is.

You need to do as anyone else in the same situation would do, chalk this up to experience, do what you've done by learning from it with resolving not to do it again, and move on from it.

To do that though you're going to have to treat these thoughts appropriately...stop punishing yourself physically with the self harming, stop engaging with the memory itself and what it means about you, it means nothing, stop the self recriminations.... and the self hatred.

All these are keeping this at the forefront of your mind when it should be focused on the here and now and who you are now, and what you want out of life.

You're still very young, you have your whole life ahead of you, a life that shouldn't be defined or tainted by this one action. But to do  that, you do need to begin treating these thoughts around the action itself and what you think it means about you very differently. 

Thank you for kind words but.... i just feel like i crossed the line... yes teenagers to stupid stuff... hentai, weird fetish porn..... but what i masturbated to was a video of child being attacked.... i just feel like i crossed all the lines...

 

You know when a sex offender has to tell people that they are sex offenders ? i feel like i deserve that too... i feel like i need to confess to every woman i would date... so they can know the true me....

 

I thought that not confessing will help... i havent confessed for half a year... it got only worse... at this point i dont even know what to do....

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I have important exam at uni tommorow.... its 1 am here.... if i fail it im probably gone from uni.... i cant even concentrate on study now.... all i hear is "why would you want to succeed at uni if you are a f****** pervert ? " 

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It's time to put this behind you, but you have to help yourself on this by doing what we all have to do here by treating these nagging doubts/concerns in the right way. If you didn't suffer from OCD you would have done....a long time ago and saved yourself so much pain. 

For tonight try to get some rest, you can come back to the thread later tomorrow, but remember you can get through this and you do have a bright future, focus for now on the exam.

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2 minutes ago, Hal said:

It's time to put this behind you, but you have to help yourself on this by doing what we all have to do here by treating these nagging doubts/concerns in the right way. If you didn't suffer from OCD you would have done....a long time ago and saved yourself so much pain. 

For tonight try to get some rest, you can come back to the thread later tomorrow, but remember you can get through this and you do have a bright future, focus for now on the exam.

i probably wont sleep today.... exam is really hard and i still need to memorize some equations...

 

Its just that.... i think that some deeds cross the line of what is forgivable.... like rape, buying child porn, abuse...... and i feel like what i did was very close....i know i may sounds insane but... right now, i feel like what i did was really close to that....

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How did you get on today,  did the exam go okay? 

20 hours ago, Mel98 said:

i feel like i need to confess to every woman i would date... so they can know the true me....

As I was saying last night though, this one thing doesn't and shouldn't define who you are. It only feels this important because of how much time and attention you've spent dwelling on it over the last few years. It's okay to make mistakes Mel, you are human. Making them isn't really the problem here, the problem's the meaning you're giving them, that they shouldn't happen, and if they do  (as they will) that you need to undo how they make you feel by confessing and finding that short lived relief before the next perceived mistake happens. 

You need to try and give yourself permission to mess-up. If you make a mistake acknowledge it and then put it to one side. Don't dwell on it, or use a compulsion to ease any distress/anxiety you feel in response to it, and gradually the need you feel for absolutely perfect behaviour at all times will fade.

The old you who enjoyed going to the gym is still there, you just need to spend much more time nurturing those interests again, and paying a lot less attention to the OCD's demands. How about a plan to cut back on the alcohol and begin looking after yourself much more with a regular exercise regime again? 

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32 minutes ago, Hal said:

How did it go today, did the exam go okay? I still have a recurring nightmare of flunking a maths exam, I was useless at it.

As I was saying last night though, this one thing doesn't and shouldn't define who you are. It only feels this important because of how much time and attention you've spent dwelling on it over the last few years. It's okay to make mistakes Mel, you are human. Making them isn't really the problem here,  the problem's the meaning you're giving them, that they shouldn't happen, and if they do  (as they will) that you need to undo how they make you feel by confessing and finding that short lived relief before the next perceived mistake happens. 

You need to try and give yourself permission to mess-up. If you make a mistake acknowledge it and then put it to one side. Don't dwell on it, or use a compulsion to ease any distress/anxiety you feel in response to it, and gradually the need you feel for absolutely perfect behaviour at all times will fade.

The old you who enjoyed going to the gym is still there, you just need to spend much more time nurturing those interests again, and paying a lot less attention to the OCD's demands. How about a plan to cut back on the alcohol and begin looking after yourself much more with a regular exercise regime again? 

Idk about the exam... my class is small.. only 3 students. My other 2 classmates 100% failed because their papers were empty but i solved every question so.... tommorow i will see if i did it correctly.   Math sucks :D i already decided to push math into next year.......

 

I do some push ups and pull ups like once a week... just to not be completely out of shape. I used to drink more than now... i sometimes was even drunk in class during middle school but now in uni.... cant really do that. I usually have around 28 beers a week but sometimes the number can be really higher. I used to spar mma with my gym friend but.... with self harm its awkward.... any hit to my tights can end up opening me wounds and .... yeah... sparring partner would probably be surprised how powerful his kick was...

 

Its just that... i did many mistakes ... like any other human... but i feel like that thing crosses the line...

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6 hours ago, Mel98 said:

Its just that... i did many mistakes ... like any other human... but i feel like that thing crosses the line...

The past is the past, it can not be changed.

You have two choices:
1. Continue punishing yourself over something that happened in the past and that can not be changed no matter what you do.
2. Learn from your mistake, let it go, and move on with your life.

Ask yourself, what good will continuing to punish yourself in this way do?  Will it make the world a better place?  No.  Will it make you a happier person? No.  All it will do is make your life miserable with no possible benefit.  
So why not go with option two, learn from your mistake, accept that it happened, that its in the past and move on with your life.

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23 hours ago, Mel98 said:

.. with self harm its awkward.... any hit to my tights can end up opening me wounds 

That's understandable,  I hope you can gradually reduce, or better yet... stop harming yourself though. I know it's a coping mechanism, but I guess you could look at it that if you took up another less high impact sport, you'd get the same kind of euphoria you feel when you self harm but in a way that supports your wellbeing.

Good call over the maths btw (next year) I hope you get the results you need:)

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18 minutes ago, Hal said:

That's understandable,  I hope you can gradually reduce, or better yet... stop harming yourself though. I know it's a coping mechanism, but I guess you could look at it that if you took up another less high impact sport, you'd get the same kind of euphoria you feel when you self harm but in a way that supports your wellbeing.

Good call over the maths btw (next year) I hope you get the results you need:)

Well i failed the exam.... only needed 0,75 more of a point to pass :/ ... my classmates failed too but they will repeat it in January.... Professor told me that my case was a really close call so she let me visit her on Friday and do the test kind of unofficially .

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17 hours ago, dksea said:

The past is the past, it can not be changed.

You have two choices:
1. Continue punishing yourself over something that happened in the past and that can not be changed no matter what you do.
2. Learn from your mistake, let it go, and move on with your life.

Ask yourself, what good will continuing to punish yourself in this way do?  Will it make the world a better place?  No.  Will it make you a happier person? No.  All it will do is make your life miserable with no possible benefit.  
So why not go with option two, learn from your mistake, accept that it happened, that its in the past and move on with your life.

I know... its just that... with ocd i cant really see how the thing i did is forgivable....

 

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3 hours ago, Mel98 said:

I know... its just that... with ocd i cant really see how the thing i did is forgivable....

You have to choose to decide its forgivable.  Its something you have to commit to deciding to believe.  The only person judging yourself over this you.  

One other thing, something I see a lot of people get stuck on when talking about forgiveness.  Forgiving does not mean believing that what happened was ok.  You can still believe that a thing is wrong or bad, but also forgive yourself for having done it.  

Simple example.  You and your brother/sister get in a fight over something.  You punch them in the arm.  You realize what you have done is over the line, you stop, you apologize.  They accept your apology.  They forgive you.  That doesn't mean it was ok that you punched them.  It doesn't mean you are free to go around punching people again.  It simply means that what happened is in the past, you recognize it can't be changed, and you (and your friend) aren't going to remain stuck on that moment.  Ideally you will learn from the mistake and try to be a better, less punch-happy person :)

You have to choose to forgive yourself, not because you decide that whatever happened wasn't a problem, but because it serves no one for you to continue to punish yourself over something that can't be changed.  You are wasting your life, you are wasting that precious gift punishing yourself over something that happened in the past and that can't be changed.  Why?  For what purpose?  CHOOSE to forgive yourself so that more time and energy isn't wasted.  CHOOSE to forgive yourself because you are the only one who can.  You have the power to decide to stop listening to the OCD, it seems hard, it will be hard at first, but its something you can do.  Its not something that will just happen, its a choice you have to make.  I hope you make that choice.

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21 minutes ago, dksea said:

You have to choose to decide its forgivable.  Its something you have to commit to deciding to believe.  The only person judging yourself over this you.  

One other thing, something I see a lot of people get stuck on when talking about forgiveness.  Forgiving does not mean believing that what happened was ok.  You can still believe that a thing is wrong or bad, but also forgive yourself for having done it.  

Simple example.  You and your brother/sister get in a fight over something.  You punch them in the arm.  You realize what you have done is over the line, you stop, you apologize.  They accept your apology.  They forgive you.  That doesn't mean it was ok that you punched them.  It doesn't mean you are free to go around punching people again.  It simply means that what happened is in the past, you recognize it can't be changed, and you (and your friend) aren't going to remain stuck on that moment.  Ideally you will learn from the mistake and try to be a better, less punch-happy person :)

You have to choose to forgive yourself, not because you decide that whatever happened wasn't a problem, but because it serves no one for you to continue to punish yourself over something that can't be changed.  You are wasting your life, you are wasting that precious gift punishing yourself over something that happened in the past and that can't be changed.  Why?  For what purpose?  CHOOSE to forgive yourself so that more time and energy isn't wasted.  CHOOSE to forgive yourself because you are the only one who can.  You have the power to decide to stop listening to the OCD, it seems hard, it will be hard at first, but its something you can do.  Its not something that will just happen, its a choice you have to make.  I hope you make that choice.

I know that what i did was bad..... i havent done anything illegal but it was sexually unhealthy. I can tell you for sure that i would never do a thing like that again.....

Its just that.... it haunts me.... 

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1 hour ago, paradoxer said:

Let it go. That heightened guilt is OCD, regular guilt doesn't involve the same anguished rumination. Let it go. 

Im trying that for more than a year..... this ocd guilt is stronger than ever...

I feel like ocd is intelligent.... every time i felt guilt i just confessed to my mom/friends and so on... but now my guilts become embarrasing....cant really confess to people about **** i masturbated to... its creepy and weird. OCD found a way to make confessions harder and harder.

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Exactly, confession never works because ocd will always pick something harder and harder to confess, I spent 4 years locked in my room in my twenty for pretty much the same as you, regret over a fantasy in my teen years,I am only now at 40 getting the therapy I need, please don't waste 20 years on this, accept that sometimes we need help with ocd, speak to your gp and try to get the ball rolling for cbt

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2 hours ago, battlethrough said:

Exactly, confession never works because ocd will always pick something harder and harder to confess, I spent 4 years locked in my room in my twenty for pretty much the same as you, regret over a fantasy in my teen years,I am only now at 40 getting the therapy I need, please don't waste 20 years on this, accept that sometimes we need help with ocd, speak to your gp and try to get the ball rolling for cbt

Hey... i remember you from my older posts.... my nickname was Melkoroth if i remember correctly...

It really ******* sucks that ocd is eating our lives.... the quest to find the ultimate answer to how bad was the thing we did....

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49 minutes ago, humbleno1 said:

Eh that wasnt bad, come on u didnt hurt anyone get over it man, im sure everyone has had some weird fantasy at some point. Seriously this is nothing lol, but you arent gonna see it like that coz u have ocd.

Yes :/ .... when ocd latches onto something i cant decided how bad it was.....

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Well i feel ******* horrible tonight....

i just cant help it but to think that it will stain my whole life...

Some things are not forgivable... if someone tortured and killed 4 people for fun..... i dont think he could be forgiven...

What i did was depraved and i cant help myself but to think that a line that was really crossed.....

I really ******* hate the teenage me....

Tonight i should study... but im just shaking in my room and hell is rising inside of me.... im just so disgusted with myself

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I know that this is ocd..... but i just feel like.... i dont know... like i deserve this....

Im not a bad person..... my sexual fantasies are about me being hurt.... i have no fantasies about me hurting other.. im not a sadist....

I hate people that abuse others...

I just feel so much hate for myself.... i hate that i did what i did.... i cant change what i did.... its out of character for me... 

I want this pain to end.. somehow... idk.... tonight is dreadful.

I feel like i dont even want to wake up tommorow... I feel like i live for people around me.... parents are happy... they brag to everyone how their son is in university and is a musician... but i think that im rotten to the core... that deep inside im a monster. I feel like i deserve death. But i dont want to kill myself because i dont want to hurt people that love me.

Im attracted to adult women, i even feel really attracted to women of older age....

Im just so confused....unsure.

I remember when i heard a guy in middle school brag about how he was able to make out with a girl when she was pass out drunk.... thats rape... and i feel like people like him should be the ones that should hate and feel disgusted with themselves. Yet he gave no ***** about what he did. And here i am hating my life and considering suicide because of some tv news report i masturbated to when i was a teen.......

Edited by Mel98
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50% of my family were in psych ward at one point in their lives.... almost every single person in my family has mental issues...

I just feel like im destined to ruin my life... and i feel like i already did it by masturbating to what i masturbated to....

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