Is this possible?

[ocdsufferer85]

Can it feel like you want to do something that you fear? 

Can it feel like it's a real urge even though it makes no sense afterwards because you never wanted it to happen?

I know it's not helpful but I keep on tearing myself apart over one thing I feel confused and disgusted over.

My biggest fear was saying something bad outloud however irrational it seems rational and terrifying to me...so why is it that I allowed myself to imagine speaking and freaked out when I heard my mouth making a slight noise, it felt SO REAL.

& I don't know how to put it to bed, I keep going back to it thinking why did I do that, was it automatic, what was I thinking in that moment, why didn't I act differently etc. I don't want to go through it all again I'm sorry

I just want to know why it feels so real and if it can in the moment make you react differently or feel like you are in another mode. 

 

[PolarBear]

No, no, no. We're not going to answer these questions, which are the same questions you've asked 100 times over 100 threads that went nowhere. This is not going to help you recover.

[ocdsufferer85]

Please can it feel real? Because I can't make sense of it and don't want to keep trying if I know it can feel real, did you feel it?

[PolarBear]

I am not going to answer these questions. You have spent years asking questions like this, trying to solve the puzzle, and it has all been for naught. You do not understand yet that you trying to answer questions like this is what is keeping you stuck.

Right now, as you have dozens and dozens of times, you are seeking a temporary fix to how you feel. I know what it's like. I've been there. I was there, for 40 years. But this is not the way to recovery.

[ocdsufferer85]

I know I just want to know if I'm allowed to stop working it out 

[PolarBear]

OCDsufferer, I've been telling you to stop trying to work it out for years. But here you are today, still trying to work it out, still trying to solve the puzzle, still trying to answer the question.

[ocdsufferer85]

OK one question, is this all ocd

[PolarBear]

Spending five years fruitlessly searching for an answer to a question is most definitely OCD.

[ocdsufferer85]

I mean the whole 'event' if you can call it one.

Does this make any sense?

The thought wasn't my own it came from ocd. It's the opposite of what I mean.

The urges and suggestions came from ocd not out of the blue.

My mind wandering then automatically responding to the thought "how is it even possible?" is caused by ocd, I got lost in the thought "can you speak under a breath" so my mouth moved and I realised and froze.... This can't be normal? Would anyone automatically do that, here's an example sometimes when I'm thinking of something I find my hand automatically writing it in the air...and realise I'm doing it.

Now the further thoughts, urges, being aware of my mouth are ocd, and it was good of me to stay and say no! You are silly! You won't get me Ocd! 

Snapping out of it proves I was in my own little world day dreaming, a train of thought does this? Normal?

Feeling like I'm being dragged back into thinking about it....is this the ocd wanting another go? I felt 'uneasy' again as though I was back where i didn't want to be and that was thinking into this topic that scares me. 

Is thinking it's abit illogical and trying to rationalise the situation a good step? Eg - it can't be that simple? So it's worse than murder? Surely not?  - does this sound like a fairly normal thing to do when working through a bunch of thoughts that are saying "what if you said half" "what if you did it" etc. - Are they thoughts to scare me, are they the workings of ocd?

Now is suddenly finding myself mouthing another automatic response, am I bad for this, do people with ocd try to prove they are in control? I see no logic or anything behind this one part. This part kills me. Why did I find myself mouthing, and I KNOW nothing came of it...but the guilt won't stop...its like I've said a million times it reminds me of say someone with harm ocd picking up a knife to see if they would stab someone....I decided to dare move my mouth..was it to prove I'd never say the dreaded line, was it to show ocd I was boss, or did I give in to an unwanted urge?

So after that part happened I felt so shocked at myself. Yet relieved that I was still safe - is this illogical and nonsense?

Then the first sound of breath and a noise and I spike up like never before...is this just ocds final attack and way to trick me?

The end.

Please don't tell me off, I just want to see if that sounds LOGICAL...as in a logical way to see the ocd working. I am told to accept that this is how ocd works yet I struggle on the bit I made bold.

Please. Help me out, I want a nice Christmas and a happy life, I am tired and I don't want to live anymore with such torment. 

I ask people why is it that I can tell you my story and you see it as nothing, I see it as the worst deed ever. My 'actions'

This was all so brief and it's been stretched out with bits added over time but this is the worst case scenario I think. 

Please let me know if I'm wrong in any bits. Thanks.

 

 

 

 

 

[paradoxer]

OP, yes, you're wrong, to try to use this forum, to facilitate OCD. Want a good Christmas, and a happy life, without the torment? Stop jumping to the dictates of a stupid disorder. 

This fellow OCD sufferer, as well as many who have taken the time to respond to you, wishes you the best. Don't abuse their help and support. 

[paradoxer]

3 hours ago, ocdsufferer85 said:

I mean the whole 'event' if you can call it one.

Does this make any sense?

The thought wasn't my own it came from ocd. It's the opposite of what I mean.

The urges and suggestions came from ocd not out of the blue.

My mind wandering then automatically responding to the thought "how is it even possible?" is caused by ocd, I got lost in the thought "can you speak under a breath" so my mouth moved and I realised and froze.... This can't be normal? Would anyone automatically do that, here's an example sometimes when I'm thinking of something I find my hand automatically writing it in the air...and realise I'm doing it.

Now the further thoughts, urges, being aware of my mouth are ocd, and it was good of me to stay and say no! You are silly! You won't get me Ocd! 

Snapping out of it proves I was in my own little world day dreaming, a train of thought does this? Normal?

Feeling like I'm being dragged back into thinking about it....is this the ocd wanting another go? I felt 'uneasy' again as though I was back where i didn't want to be and that was thinking into this topic that scares me. 

Is thinking it's abit illogical and trying to rationalise the situation a good step? Eg - it can't be that simple? So it's worse than murder? Surely not?  - does this sound like a fairly normal thing to do when working through a bunch of thoughts that are saying "what if you said half" "what if you did it" etc. - Are they thoughts to scare me, are they the workings of ocd?

Now is suddenly finding myself mouthing another automatic response, am I bad for this, do people with ocd try to prove they are in control? I see no logic or anything behind this one part. This part kills me. Why did I find myself mouthing, and I KNOW nothing came of it...but the guilt won't stop...its like I've said a million times it reminds me of say someone with harm ocd picking up a knife to see if they would stab someone....I decided to dare move my mouth..was it to prove I'd never say the dreaded line, was it to show ocd I was boss, or did I give in to an unwanted urge?

So after that part happened I felt so shocked at myself. Yet relieved that I was still safe - is this illogical and nonsense?

Then the first sound of breath and a noise and I spike up like never before...is this just ocds final attack and way to trick me?

The end.

Please don't tell me off, I just want to see if that sounds LOGICAL...as in a logical way to see the ocd working. I am told to accept that this is how ocd works yet I struggle on the bit I made bold.

Please. Help me out, I want a nice Christmas and a happy life, I am tired and I don't want to live anymore with such torment. 

I ask people why is it that I can tell you my story and you see it as nothing, I see it as the worst deed ever. My 'actions'

This was all so brief and it's been stretched out with bits added over time but this is the worst case scenario I think. 

Please let me know if I'm wrong in any bits. Thanks

 

 

 

 

 

Responded above. 

Edited December 21, 2018 by paradoxer

[ocdsufferer85]

7 hours ago, paradoxer said:

OP, yes, you're wrong, to try to use this forum, to facilitate OCD. Want a good Christmas, and a happy life, without the torment? Stop jumping to the dictates of a stupid disorder. 

This fellow OCD sufferer, as well as many who have taken the time to respond to you, wishes you the best. Don't abuse their help and support. 

Abuse? 

How awful.

[ocdsufferer85]

I think that's abit harsh, I feel bad enough and do not enjoy posting on forums to strangers but I wouldn't be nasty to other members. I am now feeling much worse. Thank you

[battlethrough]

Hi o85, I also repeat and search on this forum, just desperate to have that 1 awnser, just that one key that can unlock this anxiety, unfortunately that's not how it works and beyond the confusions in our mind we know that. we want an awnser but it's futile as it won't stop any anxiety it just finds another angle to cause us pain, hope you have an OK day x

[ocdsufferer85]

3 hours ago, battlethrough said:

Hi o85, I also repeat and search on this forum, just desperate to have that 1 awnser, just that one key that can unlock this anxiety, unfortunately that's not how it works and beyond the confusions in our mind we know that. we want an awnser but it's futile as it won't stop any anxiety it just finds another angle to cause us pain, hope you have an OK day x

Thank you, I'm going mad x

[PolarBear]

This thread is great evidence that no matter what answers you get, you'll just come back with more questions. And that's why we absolutely must stop playing the OCD game by refusing to answer your questions.

[ocdsufferer85]

OK 

[paradoxer]

12 hours ago, ocdsufferer85 said:

Abuse? 

How awful.

You might note how  I softened the tone, with wishing you the best. It was a bit of tough love. By constantly using an OCD forum, to make your OCD worse, you're hurting yourself. Take care.  

[ocdsufferer85]

May I ask one question,  does ocd work the same for whatever subject?  

Mine is - being unforgiven if I speak certain words, regarding a bible verse. So what does the ocd do to me? Fill me with huge fear and flood my head with horrible words and urges and convinces me in the end that I tried to speak. So that's me.

Now someone with POCD....terrified of being one...scared to be around children. Reads what they do, reads stories of them being caught etc etc and convinces themselves "thats me!" "I think these things" "I feel like I want to touch a child" "I'm a monster" 

Now I see that as working in the same way...

HARM OCD - sees murders on the news, fears they are like that, urges, thoughts, etc until they are convinced they want to act out or they nearly did or whatever. Testing it, seeing how it feels, then thinking they like it. 

I think it has to pick something you care about to get you under its spell.

[dksea]

On 20/12/2018 at 15:47, ocdsufferer85 said:

Please don't tell me off, I just want to see if that sounds LOGICAL...as in a logical way to see the ocd working. I am told to accept that this is how ocd works yet I struggle on the bit I made bold.

Hey O85, I can appreciate your frustrated and feel like what you are asking for isn’t such a big deal. Unfortunately what can seem, from a sufferers standpoint as “reasonable” behavior is not necessarily so. While PBs reply may seem brusk or “telling you off”, the intent is to help you by not feeding what is actually a negative cycle. The goal is to lead you to realize that while you believe the behavior you are doing is ok and helpful, the reality is it’s actually perpetuating your OCD. 

You are experiencing anxiety and you are trying to combat that anxiety by asking questions and seeking answers. Now asking questions and seeking answers can be a good thing, even necessary. But it can also become destructive if done too much. Perhaps an example will help. Pretty much everyone agrees that it’s a good idea to wash your hands on a regular basis, particularly after using the toilet, before eating, etc. Its literally unhealthy to NOT wash your hands. BUT that doesn’t mean washing your hands is ALWAYS the right choice. If you wash your hands too much it actually causes damage and can do the opposite of what you want. Instead of helping you stay healthy it makes you unhealthy. Similarly while asking questions CAN be healthy, it can also become u healthy if overdone or done for the wrong reasons. Right now your questions are, in the judgement of experienced people like PolarBear, coming from an unhealthy place. The reason your questions aren’t being answered is not because people don’t want to help you, it’s because doing so would be unhelpful, even though you are struggling to see it that way because of OCD. 

OCD drives us to seek absolute certainty, an impossible goal. When I look at your questions I too see a search for absolute certainty.  You want to be told that certain things are true.  You want reassurance that things you have doubt over aren’t wrong.  You are analyzing and reanalyzing and rererereanalyzing the situation to death.  That doesn’t make you a bad person or even particularly unique, it’s quite common for us OCD sufferers to do that. It’s a struggle to stop because we get so used to doing it. Unfortunately it doesn’t help. We get temporary relief, the anxiety comes back, and we start the whole cycle over again. PolarBear is trying to get you to accept that you are caught in this cycle.  The worst thing they could do to help you is to answer your questions, even though you feel like that’s what you need.

You have OCD. Because you have OCD you are going to experience anxiety and intrusive thoughts about situations that other people probably don’t. You will feel like you must complete understand and analyze these thoughts in order to move on, to feel safe.  The reality is you don’t, you can experience these thoughts and situations and they don’t mean anything.  It is very easy, especially for OCD sufferers, to come up with scenarios to make our thoughts or actions seem to indicate something bad, but the reality is that the simpler, less bad explanation is usually the right one and you need to choose to accept that these thoughts are meaningless. They FEEL important but they aren’t. 

You don’t have to complete understand each thought and image your brain has. You can choose how to live your life without solving all these unsolvable questions.  Asking them and us responding will only feed the OCD.  The best thing we can do for you is help you avoid compulsions and that includes analyzing situations over and over.  

So while the approach may sometimes seem a bit short, please understand that the goal is to help you.

[ocdsufferer85]

1 hour ago, dksea said:

Hey O85, I can appreciate your frustrated and feel like what you are asking for isn’t such a big deal. Unfortunately what can seem, from a sufferers standpoint as “reasonable” behavior is not necessarily so. While PBs reply may seem brusk or “telling you off”, the intent is to help you by not feeding what is actually a negative cycle. The goal is to lead you to realize that while you believe the behavior you are doing is ok and helpful, the reality is it’s actually perpetuating your OCD. 

You are experiencing anxiety and you are trying to combat that anxiety by asking questions and seeking answers. Now asking questions and seeking answers can be a good thing, even necessary. But it can also become destructive if done too much. Perhaps an example will help. Pretty much everyone agrees that it’s a good idea to wash your hands on a regular basis, particularly after using the toilet, before eating, etc. Its literally unhealthy to NOT wash your hands. BUT that doesn’t mean washing your hands is ALWAYS the right choice. If you wash your hands too much it actually causes damage and can do the opposite of what you want. Instead of helping you stay healthy it makes you unhealthy. Similarly while asking questions CAN be healthy, it can also become u healthy if overdone or done for the wrong reasons. Right now your questions are, in the judgement of experienced people like PolarBear, coming from an unhealthy place. The reason your questions aren’t being answered is not because people don’t want to help you, it’s because doing so would be unhelpful, even though you are struggling to see it that way because of OCD. 

OCD drives us to seek absolute certainty, an impossible goal. When I look at your questions I too see a search for absolute certainty.  You want to be told that certain things are true.  You want reassurance that things you have doubt over aren’t wrong.  You are analyzing and reanalyzing and rererereanalyzing the situation to death.  That doesn’t make you a bad person or even particularly unique, it’s quite common for us OCD sufferers to do that. It’s a struggle to stop because we get so used to doing it. Unfortunately it doesn’t help. We get temporary relief, the anxiety comes back, and we start the whole cycle over again. PolarBear is trying to get you to accept that you are caught in this cycle.  The worst thing they could do to help you is to answer your questions, even though you feel like that’s what you need.

You have OCD. Because you have OCD you are going to experience anxiety and intrusive thoughts about situations that other people probably don’t. You will feel like you must complete understand and analyze these thoughts in order to move on, to feel safe.  The reality is you don’t, you can experience these thoughts and situations and they don’t mean anything.  It is very easy, especially for OCD sufferers, to come up with scenarios to make our thoughts or actions seem to indicate something bad, but the reality is that the simpler, less bad explanation is usually the right one and you need to choose to accept that these thoughts are meaningless. They FEEL important but they aren’t. 

You don’t have to complete understand each thought and image your brain has. You can choose how to live your life without solving all these unsolvable questions.  Asking them and us responding will only feed the OCD.  The best thing we can do for you is help you avoid compulsions and that includes analyzing situations over and over.  

So while the approach may sometimes seem a bit short, please understand that the goal is to help you.

Thank you for taking the time to explain that, I know it's not helpful keep asking the same things but it's like my brain hits the reset button every few minutes I cannot absorb anything logical for long.

I think what makes ocd so much hard to accept is the fact it isn't just THOUGHTS... It's FEELINGS, URGES, IMPULSES, SELF DOUBT, and so on.

So it makes it 10000000 times harder to dismiss because when you're in the moment or ruminating afterwards it seems so real, so important and also you question every single action and it's reason and motive. 

At the time of my 'episode' literally as it was 'happening' or a literal Second later I was filled with doubt. A fog of it came over. I had no idea what had just happened properly. The slightest things seemed to fill me with horror because I didn't know what it meant or why it was happening. 

I felt at the time before it happened rather logical and chuffed with myself that I was making progress, it just shows you that ocd can get you when you feel great and pull the floor from under you.

I feel in a constant battle between two minds. One that's telling me ocd is nonesense and don't be fooled by it, and the other side is saying oh wait...hold on...are you sure you're safe? What does this mean? Wait a minute slow down, be careful, this is risky.

Therapists and 'normal' people say GOOD ON YOU for not standing down....but for me I have this bully stood there saying to me - "HAHAHAHA MY PLAN WORKED....YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD BEAT ME...I GOT YOU I GOT YOU, ITS ALLLLL YOUUUURRRR FAULTTT. YOU LOSE! SERVES YOU RIGHT FOR TAKING ME ON, I ALWAYS WIN"

Any view I look at the situation is bad...when ocd is involved.. It can only say to me you're wrong you're bad.

And after all this I have no clue as to how I didn't see this coming, how I didn't react in the usual way I would, and how I was so careless to fail at this.

It's the last position I'd ever want to be in and I feel literally like my heart is broken.

Thanks and sorry for the ramble.x

[dksea]

5 hours ago, ocdsufferer85 said:

I think what makes ocd so much hard to accept is the fact it isn't just THOUGHTS... It's FEELINGS, URGES, IMPULSES, SELF DOUBT, and so on.

Feelings, urges, impulses, those are all just thoughts, they are all how we interpret the thought. It feels real because thoughts ARE real. Either we have a thought or we don’t. If we have it, it’s a real thought, a real feeling. BUT and this is the important part, having a thought is not the same as the contents of that thought being real. I can have the thought that I’m a better athlete than David Beckham, but that doesn’t mean I am. I can have the worry that my house is on fire,  but that doesn’t mean it is. Part of recovery is learning to separate thoughts from the meaning we default to under OCD. 

[ocdsufferer85]

Hi yes I see what you mean but the feelings created from the unwelcome thoughts make it so confusing.

I'm terrified that I almost acted out an urge because it felt so intense and In that moment it felt real, it all happened in seconds but I forever analyse why I reacted that way, what I should have done, what it all meant, and I flash back to seeing myself almosting testing myself...this may not have been the reason, I just know I found myself suddenly thinking WHAT AM I DOING?! this is my fear! Why am I not running from this?!

Of course of plays that back as me being 'bad' giving in and almost acting, pushing my luck etc and I have no idea why all this happened. 

The moment I start to believe in myself is the moment ocd trips me up and leaves me questioning everything I did in that moment.

I constantly say "why didn't I just avoid all this why did I feel like I couldn't be tricked...why did I risk it. Etc"

That's what a thought turned into. It's so awful I've felt like I don't want to even live anymore I'm so ashamed.

[PolarBear]

You are, as always, stuck on that one moment.

This all comes from an irrational fear that if you say some words you are somehow doomed. It is irrational. What you don't get is that you have been doomed for years, as you are stuck on that one moment and haven't moved forward.

It doesn't matter if you uttered these feared words or not. In fact, to move forward, you need to now say them out loud, many, many times. You need to say them everyday. It will take your focus off that one, insignificant moment from years ago.

[ocdsufferer85]

3 hours ago, PolarBear said:

You are, as always, stuck on that one moment.

This all comes from an irrational fear that if you say some words you are somehow doomed. It is irrational. What you don't get is that you have been doomed for years, as you are stuck on that one moment and haven't moved forward.

It doesn't matter if you uttered these feared words or not. In fact, to move forward, you need to now say them out loud, many, many times. You need to say them everyday. It will take your focus off that one, insignificant moment from years ago.

But you keep saying it's an irrational fear as though it's come from nothing

It's come from me picking a line out of the Bible and it's common with religious ocd 

"anyone who speaks against the holy spirit will never be forgiven" 

So I take it as literal. And despite others saying things to prove it or people telling me to just speak the thought outlook, it doesn't reassure me because it's something beyond this life. 

I know I don't want to say it and as soon as I read about it it triggered this massive obsession of bad intrusive thoughts for years, I was in tears and felt I had no chance of beating it...until the day I realised I couldn't stop them...but within seconds my head said "imagine if you spoke and didn't know'" and so the even worse nightmare begins.