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First post - advice please


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Hi everyone, I've been reading the posts for a while and now I would really appreciate some guidance from some of you.  I am at the lowest I have been for some time and having difficulty coping with it.

Potted history - sufferer for 20 plus years.  Only this year decided to seek proper help and commit to it.  Attended a mindfulness based CBT course which I found helpful but was not specifically directed at OCD.  Read up and found out CBT was the only way forward.  Self-referred to local CBT therapist who along with this excellent charity, their recommended reading, my research has taught me so much.  I finished the first 10 or so CBT sessions recently although even now some of the lessons are only just sinking in.

My obsessions are many and varied but can mostly come under the banner of sexual, relationship and scrupulosity themes - often the OCD picking at nuggets of real events and magnifying them out of all proportion with continual doubt.  The only thing that seems to 'shift' an obsession is dwelling on another one at which point the previously catastrophic issue becomes laughable.

My compulsions are checking/reviewing, self-reassuring, avoidance and reassurance - I'm really good at all of these having practiced them consciously and unconsciously for many years, unchallenged.

CBT has taught me to stop all that, accept uncertainty and focus on what I am doing at the time in pursuing my values - simple right ?  If only.  So hard.

I was getting somewhere with decades old obsessions waning and whilst a few new ones were cropping up progress was being made.  

Recently I have had a bolt out of the blue which has literally hit me for six, making me so upset, almost desperate and now I am so anxious that I will spoil Christmas for my lovely family.  They now know I struggle with OCD (this year) and my wife is incredibly supportive.  A couple of weeks ago we were refurbishing a property and I was taking up tiles in the kitchen.  Breaking them and no mask. Half way through I remember thinking 'hope they haven't got asbestos in them'.  Looked at them.  Then dismissed the thought as me worrying needlessly (again).  I did this for a couple of hours and then my wife came to help me for a couple of hours again on another day.  Finished the next day.  Thought no more about it.  Happily yesterday talking to the tiler who told me some tiles of this age might have contained asbestos.  My anxiety went off the scale.  My other obsessions paled into insignificance all of a sudden even though some are very dark.  What an idiot, bad person etc.  Why didn't I check ?  I have put the most precious person in my whole life at risk.  The guilt is terrible.  The thought of dealing with this either in the CBT way or however and ruining Christmas for my family is unbearable.  I have already been to see the GP who to a rational mind allayed all fears but with no guarantees of course.  Would have been better to not do it.   But very rare condition.  Minimal exposure for us to minimal asbestos content (if any).  Non-smokers.  Worst case we'll be in our 80's if it manifests - assuming there was asbestos in them anyway.  Blah Blah.  I won't go on.  Reassured for 2-3 hours and the doubts creep in.  Not bothered about my health.  Not suicidal but so in need of peace.  Guilty about not looking after my wife properly and acting on thought and now probably mucking up everyone's Christmas as if they haven't had enough of my constant worrying.  Wife aware of all this and very supportive.  She's not at all concerned about the asbestos and reminds me that is normally me nagging about wearing masks, being careful etc.  If I had believed it was asbestos then I would not have gone anywhere near it myself - especially as I am so anxious all the time !  Ironic and very nasty of the OCD to do this to me.

I'm not looking for reassurance about asbestosis - wrong site but please can you fellow sufferers help this newbie with a few tips on how to think about this one in a healthier, more effective way - to lift my spirits, help me get back on track with CBT and save my Christmas ?

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Hi Simon, 

Really good to hear how well you've done with the help of therapy, self help and the charity, well done :)

I'll try and help with your problem as best I can. Firstly you have no real evidence of danger, even if there was asbestos present which you don't know there was, your gp does not believe it is relevant enough to take action. What you feel however is that you were in some way irresponsible for having carried on the way you did and including your wife in helping. Remember your wife is responsible for her own wellbeing, she is not bothered and you actually responded within the normal range of responses at first then responded too cautiously. Remember responding to feeling responsible actually causes OCD which then ruins lives. So acting because of that feeling is unhelpful, excessive and buying into that being a solution should a situation like this occur again.

Weigh that tiny risk from removing tiles against OCD and it's much clearer to see how to act. Choose to take that small risk, tell OCD to get lost and enjoy your family Christmas :HappyXmas:

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Thank you gemma i really appreciate your input and of course you are right in all you say. Where my anxiety was at its highest initially it has waned a little with spells of much less sometimes although mornings are difficult it seems to get better during afternoon and i actually slept well last night. Have you or others got any practical tips when the anxiety gets almost unbearable ?

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When anxiety is really bad seeking love and support from loved ones can help. They can reassure you that it will pass and maybe make you a tea or something. Also, have written reminders that you can refer to about why you are choosing to tolerate the anxiety and why you shouldn't do compulsions. 

The most important thing is if anxiety isn't reducing then you are probably doing some safety behaviour or other. Not doing any compulsions will have the anxiety pass reasonably quickly but doing one can draw it out. So keep a look out for any hidden compulsions. 

It takes lots of practise to cope with anxiety, but anxiety can be a good indicator of where we still have work to do :)

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Thanks gemma. Sage advice. Only in the last few weeks have i noticed i still indulge in even the smallest of reviews and self reassurance. Cutting out reassurances from my wife, confessions, internet searches and stopping avoidance behaviour has been relatively easy. It is the subtle review and self reassurance that i think you are right i need more work on. You have inspired me to do more work here. Thank you so much. Today i had a great time with my family.  Gritting my teeth. Fearing i would crack up and ruin it for everyone but moment by moment it was all good. Obviously stuff came up but for the majority of the time i focused on what we were doing and i will carry on. 

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Hi Simong - Have been extremely anxious about similar issues as you over Christmas and also feeling guilt that I should have done more to protect family etc. (just posted a similar post then noticed yours). You've done really well to power through and enjoy your time with your family - will try to do the same for the rest of my week off too! How has the last few days been for you?

Edited by Rob77
Spelt name wrong
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Hi rob, sorry for the late reply. I have deliberately stayed off the forum for a few days as part of my drive to spend less time on my ocd and more on my life.  After my previous post i did go to see the gp again. I wasn't sleeping at all well and was worried i would spoil christmas for everyone. I got some more reassurance (not helpful medium to long term i know but cut myself some slack) and some valium to take edge off. I am pleased with myself i didn't take them in the end. Day by day anxiety of recent exposure diminished and in between had a great time. However ocd now cleverly picked on a time decades ago when i think i might have handled asbestos. I remember on this job enjoying some smashing up of something. Ocd loves that i have a cough right now also which doesn't help. Anyway i am taking all this to a cbt therapist to learn to think about it all more effectively, cracking on with life in the meantime, definitely not avoiding or researching, not seeking reassurance....there is no absolute certainty therefore waste of time searching for it, will join local ocd support group, restart my mindfulness practice to reduce general anxiety and go mad in the gym...see how ocd likes that lot ! Finally i don't know whether this might help but gp told me worry = likelihood (ocd massively exaggerates) x outcome ( ocd exaggerates bleakness) ÷ ability to cope ( ocd underestimates). I'm no expert and am just starting my recovery but hope this might help you,

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Hi Simon, brilliant, very well done! Sounds like you're taking some really positive steps and working hard on it - will try to do the same. I pretty much ruined Christmas with my pointless worry... Will take inspiration from you and try to look at CBT again and some exercise. Keep up the good work!

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