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Trying to Decide What's Right


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It's been a long time since I've posted here and should've probably sought help here about this sooner. I feel I need to make a decision, and can’t seem to stop going over it in my head and trying to figure it out. 

For a little background, I was born in England but grew up in Mexico where we moved after my dad got a job there. I moved to the US about 12 years ago and have been married for the last ten. The relationship has been a rollercoaster at times with several separations that lasted up to two years. Our last separation began around the spring of 2017 and lasted about 4 months. During that summer, I took a three week trip back to Mexico. While there, I met a lady (I’ll just call her Sara) and we had a relationship. I enjoyed those few weeks a lot. We stayed in touch from time to time after I got back, but things never got that serious. She is divorced, has two children, and works full time.

I eventually got back together with my wife, but continued to chat with Sara and things stayed friendly. All though lately we don’t speak often, I gave her $200.00 for the holidays this year, and did the same last December as well. That amount is not going to make me poor especially since it’s once a year, but it will help Sara a lot.

This year has been my worst year health wise. I’ve been plagued by illnesses, and am now feeling like I’m just starting to improve after finding a really good doctor. I feel like I’ve been given a second chance at life, and don’t want to waste it anymore. So my hang up is that I feel like just by interacting with Sara, even just to touch base once a month or every other month, I am being dishonest and cheating on my wife. I especially feel like it’s wrong to be giving her $200.00 now that my wife and I are back together. The problem is I’d also feel like a cold person if I completely stopped the modest help I’ve been giving Sara since she’s a good and hard working person, and it significantly helps her family. I’m not interested in having any kind of romantic relationship with her anymore, it’s just that I don’t want to totally disappear as we did have some connection.

I have a feeling that someone without OCD wouldn’t be getting hung up on something like this and would brush it off as not a big deal to give someone $200 per year, but maybe I’m wrong. This is just one example of the kinds of things I struggle with, but it’s been a big one lately and I needed to turn here for help. My work sometimes involves giving presentations, and today I couldn’t really focus because I kept trying to decide whether I should stop the $200 each December or not. Over the past two months I’ve changed my mind many times about what to do. Either way I feel like a bad person so I can’t win this one. I’ve already given her the $200 this month and obsessing now over what to do next year!

Please help.

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Hi Winchester :)

People are allowed to do what they want with their own money it's really up to the individual. Does your wife know you give Sara the money? If she doesn't then this is probably why you feel dishonest, if she does then I would treat this like doubts brought on by OCD and follow what I wanted to do, which is to help a friend :)

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Thank you Gemma. She doesn't know. I am afraid if she knows she'll get jealous and it will create hostility between us. I feel like I have to choose between being cold and just disappearing on Sara and not even helping a bit on the holidays, and being dishonest with my wife and risking her finding out and getting into a big fight. This decision is constantly on my mind, and I keep coming to one resolution (i.e. I'll never talk to Sara or send her money again) or the opposite, but am never satisfied with which way I decide. 

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It is understandable that you feel conflicted then but it sounds like you really care about everyone involved and sometimes you have to just make a decision and go with it. You have to accept it isn't the perfect solution but it is the solution at the moment for you. When the doubts cross your mind, remind yourself that this is what you believe is best and carry on regardless, don't give them thinking space.

What won't help is beating yourself up, it doesn't get anyone anywhere. You are trying your best that's all any of us can do :)

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