Testing themselves

[ocdsufferer85]

Anyone found themselves in a testing mode?

I know I'm going over things but it's the only way to make sense of it.

I'm not even sure if I was testing myself.

But if you are afraid of something can you find yourself testing yourself to see or prove you won't go through with it? Or can you feel an urge so strong that out of curiosity you feel like you need to or in that moment test yourself. 

Can it feel like you want to act out even though you really don't...sometimes I fear that in the moment I wanted to just be bad but it can't be the case because I know it's against me...I'm confused as to how this monster of an illness can lead you to believe anything...the worst things about yourself.

It takes a moment in time and twists it up so badly that you believe everything it's suggesting that might have happened or the reasons why.

I've read things on forums where people have picked up a knife to see how they feel when holding it because they have a fear of hurting theirself or loved ones...then they find they moved a certain way and threw the knife down in utter panic believing they were doing wrong and acting out.

I feel like somehow this is like what happened to me only another theme. Not repeating myself anymore so don't worry I won't go into it.

Just these 'tests' or 'curiousities' are they part and parcel of this HORRIBLE DISORDER?

This may explain things better for me.

I would be so over the moon if people could relate to this. Seeing other people's stories really does help me. I keep note and on the worst days read over them to try and avoid asking the same stuff.

So is testing and stuff like this ocd? 

I'm trying to ask something simple I do not wish to ruminate over my story and explain it for the billionth time so it's just a general query. 

Please help. 

It's Christmas eve 

Edited December 24, 2018 by ocdsufferer85

[taurean]

Yes testing is an OCD compulsion and will only make things worse. 

So is trying to work it all out - trying to find a certainty that can never ever be found. 

If you have an obsessional intrusive thought, try identifying the underlying OCD core belief that underpins it. 

Then see how, to a non-sufferer, it would be deemed a lie, falsehood, exaggeration - often of actual minimal threat - or something repulsive. And by making it all seem real to the sufferer, the resultant intrusion causes the distress (disorder) and the urge to compulse to try and make things better. 

Try and remember that any relief carrying out a compulsion might seem to give is actually false - it gives belief to what the OCD is telling us, connects with it, makes it stronger. 

Hope this helps 

Roy. 

[ocdsufferer85]

30 minutes ago, taurean said:

Yes testing is an OCD compulsion and will only make things worse. 

So is trying to work it all out - trying to find a certainty that can never ever be found. 

If you have an obsessional intrusive thought, try identifying the underlying OCD core belief that underpins it. 

Then see how, to a non-sufferer, it would be deemed a lie, falsehood, exaggeration - often of actual minimal threat - or something repulsive. And by making it all seem real to the sufferer, the resultant intrusion causes the distress (disorder) and the urge to compulse to try and make things better. 

Try and remember that any relief carrying out a compulsion might seem to give is actually false - it gives belief to what the OCD is telling us, connects with it, makes it stronger. 

Hope this helps 

Roy. 

Yes I see thank you I see what you say makes perfect sense but my brain is a mess.

I don't know what to make of my situation.

I felt at one moment as though I was on the very edge of meeting my fear head on, but the replay of it probably makes it seem worse.

As I no longer remember what memories are 100% real I treat it as the worst case.

I just can't see how testing myself in that moment or feeling curious as to if I'd act on my fear would be of any help. All its done is made me feel so guilty.

I don't know if it was a case of proving to ocd or to myself that I wouldn't do it, or was it me being suddenly a horrible person, when an urge hits you without warning it's hard to know how to react... If I got an urge to speak...then at that moment can ocd make it feel like you want to? This is literally the worst case scenario.

I don't know...do people with harm ocd when they are having an episode suddenly out of nowhere feel like they want to act or could do etc...?

Then afterwards the anxiety hits you so hard it's unreal.

I know 100% that I wouldnt want to ever act on my fear...however irrational to everyone else..I wouldn't...but I can't understand what happened in that moment, I was rather laid back and i think ocd used this to really spike me.

If you think and trust yourself...anxiety is low but if ocd manages to make you doubt yourself then anxiety rockets and you are left, well I was left, feeling like I had been conned. 

I was like HOW DID THAT JUST HAPPEN TO ME? 

Testing makes it so much worse and I don't know why I'd ever test it, I think I got so over confident that it took an opportunity to really kick me down.

[PolarBear]

You have to STOP this. You have to stop using the forum to do your compulsions. 

A day ago you started a post saying you are going to try again. Now here you are, asking the same old questions again. You have been doing this for years! It's gotten you nowhere. More of the same won't get you anywhere either.

We are NOT going to help you try to figure out what happened in that moment years ago. We are not going to do it. 

[ocdsufferer85]

23 minutes ago, PolarBear said:

You have to STOP this. You have to stop using the forum to do your compulsions. 

A day ago you started a post saying you are going to try again. Now here you are, asking the same old questions again. You have been doing this for years! It's gotten you nowhere. More of the same won't get you anywhere either.

We are NOT going to help you try to figure out what happened in that moment years ago. We are not going to do it. 

I was discussing testing in ocd with @taurean that's all. Hoping to sign off for Christmas  

 

[PolarBear]

You were doing the same old rhing, the same thing you have been doing for years, and that is trying to figure out what happened during that one moment years ago. Couch it in whatever terms you want, but you are deceiving yourself.

[ocdsufferer85]

I'm asking if testing is part of this disorder, I think making sense of it is helpful. 

[PolarBear]

You are just trying to figure out that one moment. You try different ways but it's the same thing. You have been doing this, here on the forum and in your head, every day for years. You keep doing the same thing over and over. At some point, I would hope you would get sick of doing so.

I don't know know if OCD had anything to do with that one moment years ago. It doesn't matter. It's all born from an irrational fear that got stuck in your head. I do know that it getting stuck and the subsequent years of compulsions is OCD.

[taurean]

Sufferer these are very very wise words from PB. 

We stay stuck when we get bogged down in the quest for certainty that the OCD says we MUST have. 

But we don't have to have it. All we need do is take on board what PB just posted, treat intrusions as attempts to lock our focus on issues we need to let go, note when we are carrying out compulsions, stop, and refocus away. 

Simple to say here, but needs grit commitment and determination to succeed. 

We have the capability to do this. But do we?

Put simply, those that do are likely to get better. 

Those that don't will stay stuck. 

[ocdsufferer85]

My therapist says it was ocd, I'm not wanting to do it so it's not me, it's all part of ocd it's just believing people that's my issue. Ocd started the whole thing so why wouldn't it have anything to do with it? However I'm answering my own question by arguing with your point...

[taurean]

You need to believe WE not the OCD. 

 

[ocdsufferer85]

Saying you don't know if its ocd makes it worse.

I don't know how it can be me if it's the exact opposite of what I want.

I know that in the moment it was so brief and was not intended.

I'm sick of going over it.

 

[ocdsufferer85]

It was triggered by an ocd thought

Which then triggered more and more thoughts 

Then came urge type feelings

Then automatic reactions to thoughts

Then logical dismissal

Then more intrusive thoughts 

I felt like they were all coming at me they wouldn't stop 

But i felt like I risked it by either testing myself or proving I wouldn't do it, I deffo didn't want to but somehow I am left feeling guilty thinking I tried to speak

[PolarBear]

Good. I want you to be sick of going over it. Then maybe you'll try something new...

[ocdsufferer85]

I know. I just wanna know why that day I decided to try and prove something, ie exposure? People recommend this...but all I've done is cause more fear. I want to enjoy Christmas eve 

[PolarBear]

We don't have the answer to what happened during one moment of time for you years ago. Do you get that? We don't know.

And neither do you. You've searched for years, trying to figure it out. It hasn't woked. IT WILL NEVER WORK. No matter how much you ruminate and ask questions here, you will not come up with a final answer. This is what I have been telling you for years. But you just keep doing the compulsions, expecting a differen result.

And here's the really big news... it doesn't matter what or why or how.

Edited December 24, 2018 by PolarBear

[taurean]

You can leave it be. 

It's the same method for everyone as OCD works the same way whatever the theme. 

You note the thought and the urge to compulse but refuse to connect with it. 

Then gently and firmly refocus away. 

As the intrusions and urges try again, you just do the selfsame thing. 

And as necessary again. And again. 

But here you are breaking that link to the obsession and compulsions ; gradually they will weaken - it will take time. 

But it works. Commit to believing us, doing this, and you will make a new beginning and a better start to the forthcoming year. 

It won't get fixed just like that. 

But the sage ones here,  we've been in the OCD bad times, we know how it feels. 

And we listened, learned, and made changes. 

 

[Cub]

I think testing is part of OCD, yes. I've done it and it's something I'm working on. But we'll get there.  If it feels like OCD, it probably is.