Triggered. Childabuse

[Guest OCDhavenobrain]

It have come to this time at the year. It is christmas and I hate it. Have been feeling depressed since yesterday. My parents always speak about the relatives in the holidays, now I do have an uncle and my mom never liked my fathers relatives, my uncle is gay but my mother have always called him a pedophile. 

Now today did I hear something from my mother that some relatives touched her when she was at a party. So I just assume that this points in a direction, that my uncle could have abused me. My mother never let me meet him but she said that I once was in his care when she went downstaris. So I figureif something happened there. 

 

Just got masively triggered. Already had an anxious state... Sorry guys

[Guest OCDhavenobrain]

So apparently he had me under his control 30 minutes when I was newborn. And I get massively triggered by the talk my mother says

[Guest OCDhavenobrain]

I am really sorry for this guys but it have hit me again. Christmas eve (yesterday) and I got anxious. 

It just hit me that you are celebrating it today. And I should come back wishing you Merry Christmas, but I got really triggered and also got a panicattack. Nothing new, my mother says that my father's relatives was perverted and sick, she has called him a pedophile in the past. she never let me meet him because of this, she doesn't like gay people. All of this is old but I got a number on the time I was under his control.Apparently 30 minutes. Many things can happen under that time. 

 

Sorry guys for entering once again from a state of panic but it is really bad. I am scared of it becomming one more spring with anxiety. It is always 2-3 months with total dread, I can't stand it if this happens again. I have no benzo and I feelt fine. Why is this even happening.. 
 

Sorry and merry christmas. I know you are having it today, we celebrated yesterday.

[PolarBear]

You are always looking for ways that someone could have hurt you. 

[gingerbreadgirl]

Honestly it sounds like your mother is homophobic and there is no evidence available to you that he abused you or anyone else. You need to stop ruminating on this. 

[Guest OCDhavenobrain]

Yes I do. My mother have always called him a pedophile and she is not even hiddening the fact that she dislikes him because of the fact that he is gay. It was just when I heard today that my mother called my father's family for perverts I got really really triggered. Sorry for making such an hasty post. 

BUT I genuinly feel scared that January and February will be BAD months, they always are and I got really depressed yesterday. It sucks to say it but when I and my parents celebrate the holidays the negative energy always seems to be there. I prefer normal days, I think it have become a habit for us to have such a bad energy that time of the year. I personally don't like the holidays.

I have cried yesterday and today and I got anxietyattacks from nowhere last 2 days and I really hope that I can do differently this year, because I don't have time for 2 -3 months of dread. I couldn't sit still yesterday, so I cleaned instead, but it is a dreadful feeling. However, I did cut back on my tics, it could be that, my vocal tics have been there the whole year, however I am pretty sure they have some foundation in OCD. So I guess it could be that my anxiety have directed its way to this "event in the past".

I don't think I am the only one getting problem in the winter, and I hope that we can get around it this year,  wish you Happy New Year. 

Edited December 26, 2018 by OCDhavenobrain