Please help.,im a fool

[battlethrough]

I mixed my drinks and all day drank 2 days ago, I woke up with my partner understandable furious as Ieft her at home and went to the pub, I don't remember anything Except there was a barmaid who said she was going for a fag, I sat next to her, she went back in to work and I don't know if I tried to follow her on the other side of the bar. I went into the pub the next day and everyone said I was fine, no trouble. 

I am consumed with guilt, not that I cheated but maby wanted to, its awful, my own fault I know, no excuses, should I tell my partner I may have had intent to cheat, I feel like I did, its terrible, I've let my partner and kids down, I can't be leave I drank like that and I won't again but feeling I was pursuing something is killing me, it's the only things I remember about the whole night. 

[gingerbreadgirl]

So - maybe you wanted to cheat, maybe you didn't.  You can never have certainty about that - it's done, gone, whatever happened happened and you need to leave it alone.

What you have now are facts (or probabilities):

- you didn't cheat.  Everyone says you were fine and no trouble.

- you drank more than you wanted to and can learn from that for next time.

That's it.  So where do you go from here? You have several options.  You could tell your partner you wanted to cheat (even though you don't even know if that's true anyway.) This might make you feel better, it might make you feel worse, it might upset your partner, it might not.  What you can be sure of though is that if you tell her, your OCD will get worse again.  So tell me this: how does your partner benefit from that? 

Another option is to accept that the human brain is a complicated, messy thing and it sometimes does things we'd rather it didn't.  Being faithful to another person does not mean you go blind and stop noticing other people or being attracted to them.  So say you had thoughts about cheating on your partner? So? You didn't cheat, end of.  Show me a person alive who claims they've never had attraction or thoughts about another person and I'll show you a liar.  I've been attracted to other people in the 12 years I've been with my partner, and I know my partner has too - it's life! What matters is what you do with those thoughts and this case, you've done nothing.

Don't go down the spiral of OCD.  Don't go into that labyrinth because as you know, there's no exit, you just get stuck deeper and deeper. 

Chalk this up to experience, maybe try not to drink so much if it makes you feel anxious and regretful, leave it behind you and look forwards to a new year, a fresh start, putting OCD in the dustbin where it belongs. 

[battlethrough]

Thanks gbd, I don't know why I sometimes get so wreck less, it's really bothering me, I also wonder if something did happen but I don't remember, it's crazy as when I'm getting on top of things I do something and wreck it all, I can only try to let it be

[gingerbreadgirl]

Just now, battlethrough said:

I can only try to let it be

yes - this is what you MUST do.  Really commit to doing this no matter what your OCD slings at you, whatever doubt surface, leave this be, leave it unresolved, leave your anxiety alone.  Don't go there, don't go down that path.  Your anxiety right now will likely be worse because of the after effects of alcohol (that's what I find anyway) - don't do anything or try to solve this and you will feel better in time.