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jlmdfem

Struggling to get back on track

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Hi

I'm a 22 year old girl and have been suffering with POCD since I was 17. I have had CBT and for the last year or so I've been great, felt like I had been dealing with it all very well and even said I couldn't remember the last time I had a bad OCD day. This last week I have been away on holiday with my family and on the plane on the way, there were a lot of kids and out of nowhere my OCD thoughts (of molesting) came flooding back and I couldn't control them or stop them. I got into a cycle of testing myself by imagining acting on my thoughts (which i really hate doing) and there was a little boy on the row next to me and every time I looked at him i had these images in my head and i felt like such a monster and so guilty and couldn't believe this was happening. Since then my Dad had an accident on our first night so it has been very stressful for the rest of my family and I put the OCD thoughts aside as he was the priority. Now he's out of the hospital and I keep going round in this loop of trying to ignore the thoughts, feeling guilty and testing, feeling even more guilty and now i'm sat up on my own trying to make sense of it all by going through my life and figuring out if I'm actually what I fear?! I'm attracted to men my own age and I know this and I know deep down I don't want to act on my thoughts but I'm going crazy in my head and it's feels like I can't make sense of anything. Please can anyone offer any advice on how to get back on track? I really don't want to be what I fear but I'm scared i am :(

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Your problem is the testing, not the thoughts. That testing is a compulsion and it is keeping you stuck. You do not have to solve anything. You are allowed to let this go.

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I wouldn’t do the testing either. Also, the fact that you doing this testing and the fact you are so repulsed by it shows you that it is just a thought and not a hobby. 

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Thank you both for your replies. I know I need to stop the testing and I am really trying to ignore it but it's like I have this constant wave of anxiety and uncertainty over me at the moment. I am going to continue to try and ignore the thoughts and stop trying to "figure" everything out as I know it gets me nowhere. Thanks again :) 

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