And just like that it's back after over a year! Help please.

[Irregular86]

So I thought I was over this. Successfully completed high intensity therapy, it took 6 months but I was free finally!

One year later I feel like I'm back to square 1. We were at my partners parents house with my little boy who is 4. My partners mother is type 1 diabetic and has been for around 38 years. She was upstairs getting ready for work and there were 2 lancets and a couple of insulin pen needles next to her chair. I know the needles had their caps on but I'm not sure if the lancets had been used. Anyway my little one came charging in with his toy cars and he shoves them to one side with his bare hands so he could park his cars. I remember feeling uncomfortable but forgot about it pretty quickly. Fast forward 3 days and boom the what if he pricked himself scenario has hit and is there every minute of the day. I spent hours trawling the internet to determine if you could transmit hiv this way. There is no reason to believe she has it, she has been in a monogamous marriage with my partners father for almost 40yrs. But the what if is there I can't sleep for worrying. I rang the Terrance Higgins trust this morning and they assured me that a. it is solid like a pin so couldn't transmit hiv as it couldn't hold blood. B. Any residual blood would be unable to infect due to environmental factors as it's a fragile virus. C. It is a superficial wound from a lancet and needs direct access to blood stream. So why can't I turn this off?? Christ if he had pricked himself surely he would feel it.

I daren't mention it to my partner incase he thinks I'm accusing his mother of being infected or "dirty" as he idolises her being the only child, as does my little one and it would upset her so much that the thoughts crossed my mind of her albeit accidentally hurting him.

I feel like such a failure after doing well for so long. Could it be stress related? I've had a tough time with my little ones father over Xmas and his threats of keeping my son and not returning him home. 

Any advice or anything to help would be gratefully accepted right now!

Edited January 3, 2019 by Irregular86

[Symps07]

Hi Irregular86,

It's sounds as though you have already been stressed leading up to this event and it is probably this that has lead to this latest episode.

From reading your post above, it sounds as though you initial dismissed the initial intrusive thought only for it to come back with a vengeance a few days later. Perhaps the added stress of worrying about what your husband and your mother in law would think maybe added further stress to the situation?

As stress is an ideal breeding ground for OCD, it's probably expected that you have had an intrusive thought at some point, unfortunately, you've acted on it.

But I wouldn't see it as a failure, as I think you can learn from it.

Looking at the situation, what would you do differently?

When you read back your post above, what do you think happened? What do you think served as a trigger and what parts consist of compulsion performing? How can you prevent yourself from entering or fulfilling the OCD cycle?

Is there anyone from the therapy session you mention who you can speak to in regards to this at all?

Please try not to worry about this too much (I know how OCD makes mountains out of molehills) and believe me, you are no failure. Blips, slips and relapses do happen but as I say above, I believe you can learn from this and get back to where you want to be

Best regards,

Symps

 

 

 

[paradoxer]

One can never be complacent about OCD, it's largely a life long disorder. The obvious clue in the OP's first post - for three days the incident had been unimportant, then suddenly, out of the blue, it became 'alarmingly relevant'. Classic inane OCD. Then compounded by performing compulsions, sending a message to the brain, that there's something important here. Advice? drop it, don't engage with trying to remedy 'the problem'. 

[Irregular86]

I just forgot how intense and debillitating it feels. The thought had eased a little when I picked my little one up this morning from his father and hugged him but the urge to check is becoming overwhelming now, so far I am resisting. I know I need to but the what if is becoming unbearable.

Guess I just gotta ride it out even if the thought of doing nothing terrifies me when my entire being is telling me to seek help or advice and if I don't and the worst happens it would be my fault.

Thank you for your comments, I know it's OCD and not reality, like I said I don't even know if he pricked himself guess that's the thing with OCD.

Edited January 4, 2019 by Irregular86

[PolarBear]

Look at what happened. You got an intrusive thought about your boy being infected. You didn't recognize it as an intrusive thought. You became alarmed rather than shrugging it off. You Googled like crazy (reassurance seeking). You phoned experts (more reassurance seeking). You likely spent a lot of time ruminating. 

All in all, you were hit with an obsession and you responded the same old way, by doing a bunch of compulsions. This is how relapses happen. 

[Irregular86]

56 minutes ago, PolarBear said:

Look at what happened. You got an intrusive thought about your boy being infected. You didn't recognize it as an intrusive thought. You became alarmed rather than shrugging it off. You Googled like crazy (reassurance seeking). You phoned experts (more reassurance seeking). You likely spent a lot of time ruminating. 

All in all, you were hit with an obsession and you responded the same old way, by doing a bunch of compulsions. This is how relapses happen. 

You are right PolarBear but I'm determined not to let it drag me back in. I have so far resisted checking for around 4 hours and have kept myself busy and I feel a little better having done so. I just need to keep it up!

[PolarBear]

Good for you. This can be overcome fairly simply by refusing to give the thoughts any energy. You have not lost all you have gained in the past year. Slip ups happen. Refocus and move forward.

[Irregular86]

Thank you! I have some material from my therapist that I'm going to revisit tonight and have a good read through which will hopefully help get me back on track. 

[Irregular86]

Restful night's sleep last night which was much needed followed by the urge to check becoming overwhelming this morning. Ashamed to say i gave in and spent an hour checking. But I came to work and have spent the past 3 hours keeping busy to help resist the urge as well as reminding myself that he had no risk therefore my worry is OCD! So far so good.

[Irregular86]

After coping really well for around a week i am stressed over uni interviews and stuff in my personal life and the urge to check has crept in. I want to ask my GP about it tomorrow even Though I have already sought advice from the Terrence Higgins trust who, with no disrespect to my Gp, probably no more about it than anyone and have said no risk. I'm scared to ask incase she tells me it's a risk and I relapse badly through worrying, but also feel like I need to make sure as it's my little boys health in the  balance if I don't and that makes me a terrible mother. Always with the what ifs. Someone help please!! Should I ask my GP so I can move on? But then what if she says maybe there is, that would be catastrophic! 

[PolarBear]

Don't do it. Simple as that. You already performed a big compulsion by contacting the trust. How did that work out? It didn't. You're right back to square one again. Asking your doctor might give you some temporary relief, but soon enough you'll be back to square one again. Break the cycle.