Part 2 - Obsessive Personality vs. OCD

[BigDave]

Sorry for the number of posts today but I felt that given the variation of topics that this deserved a separate heading as I am sure there are other people who have equally struggled with things like this. 

So I have been in therapy now for a number of years; I think around 6 and we have discussed a load of things about me and my personality. My therapist seems to believe that I have had OCD for a long time even though the contamination and revulsion sides of things have been less prominent till the last decade or so. I thought about to my adolescence and I think I have always had a strange personality I guess. As I started my school life in a boys only school, I never really was introduced to girls until I was 12 and consequently I have always struggled/been shy around them. I know it sounds daft because women are only humans but it’s not hard to see why they are the fairer sex. My whole life, I have been extremely timid around them and there are definitely confidence issues and social anxiety aspects in there as I am far and unattractive and generally feel that anyone has a real reason to want to know me, never mind a pretty female lady. I will sometimes come up with elaborate plans like I’ll start body building or lose a tonne of weight, to one point where I stopped eating and then there was the time when one of my health issues was going untreated and I was happy even though I was seriously ill because at least I was losing weight. I’m very heavy by the way so it didn’t last. But yeah, I have problems. 

I do digress so back to my point - like I said, there are definitely facets of my personality that aren’t quite right and I’m already being treated for things like major depression. I’ve also had bouts where I have been seriously suicidal to the point where if it weren’t for my parents, I think I would probably done it.  But those aren’t really OCD things right? It’s true that I do have a very active mind. I do ruminate a lot and there are many nights where I lay awake worrying about things as miniscule as whether I had washed my hands. 

I have also always been obsessive. I feel uncomfortable using this word because I’m not sure it really counts for OCD, even though I am definitely someone with OCD now and have obviously been diagnosed with severe OCD. But yes, I have always been obsessive. In fact, I became so obsessive about wrestling and having friends when I was at school at one point that I totally put all my energy into that because wrestling was the best and being popular was cool and my performance in my exams dipped. This in turn got me really depressed and I spent a week in bed. 

 The other thing that I guess I was obsessed about was the attention of women or I suppose the possibility of having a girlfriend. I know it’s random but given my age, the only real girlfriends I’ve had were online because that was the only way anyone ever has given me a chance. It’s got to the point where I’m terrified to tell a woman I find her attractive or ask her out because I am pretty sure they will say no. This leads me to the obsessive thing. On various occasions, friends or family have encouraged me to try online dating. I am actually quite housebound with my other issues but they think that it would enable me to meet more people and become more confident. But, it is always a disaster and my worst fears of realised as no one is ever interested. In fairness, I have come to terms with the fact that I am undesirable to women but if I join a site or indeed any site, whether it is Twitter or Facebook, Or Online Dating. I get very obsessive about it. I’m checking it all the time. When I was on holiday this year, I probably spent about 1/8th on twitter trying to find people who remotely cared about me. But then, I don’t really even have any proper friends anymore. And when I online date, same thing. I’m sending messages to everyone. And then, like a few days ago, the site said I couldn’t send more because I sent 55 in 24 hours and no one even responded. In fact, I think only about 5 even went into my profile. Not only is that tremendously gutting and painful, I worry that the feeling I get, the obsessiveness is so unhealthy and so I quickly quit. I quit twitter for the same reason. I just think the desire to be wanted or be needed is great and hence I’m obsessive about it. But is that even OCD or just loneliness?

[SuperInfinity]

I feel you for the online dating. A few years ago when online dating started to take off, people figured it would help awkward people like you and me to hook up with people. Sick joke!!!! What it has actually turned into is for a way for already really good-looking and successful guys to pick up a few more girls while doing the least effort possible. If you are super good looking and show yourself as really wealthy and successful you will take off. Otherwise it's like a heroic effort to get any interest at all. Everything has to be absolutely perfect or you won't get the slightest look. I swear a lot of the girls have no intention of meeting up with anyone and are there just specifically to toy with guys, like a cat toying with a mouse. When it got to a stage where I was sending so many messages and I couldn't remember anymore who I had sent a message or not I quit. I think your best chance is with a less mainstream dating site, and even then you should only use your absolute best pictures and tweak your profile in every way so that it makes you look good.  

Edited January 5, 2019 by SuperInfinity

[Orwell1984]

I think it's loneliness and a massive desire to be accepted and loved. You are very motivated and show persistence in trying to achieve these goals by different means (e.g. Wrestling). These are not OCD intrusive thought obsessions. You have a very poor fragile self image which you probably have had since childhood since you desired very much to have friends back then and it remains a prominent motivator today.

you need to learn how to accept yourself and learn to like yourself. 

[BigDave]

You are right Orwell. I do have a very low opinion of myself. In fact, I would say I hate myself. I don’t ever feel like I’ve really achieved anything. I also don’t really feel like I deserve anything. I’m also fat and ugly so it’s not fun to be me lol. 

You are right too SuperInfinity. There are loads of pretty girls on these places and I swear they’ll delete anything that doesn’t look like Ryan Reynolds. 

[taurean]

Dave I so feel for you, I really do. 

But I know you are ready to make changes this year. 

I went to an all -boys school, and was in an all-male environment at work so felt very inferior and clueless re women, despite having a sister. 

I joined a dating agency (no online ones then)  but I found the females had very specific requirements and I wasn't meeting them. 

I am in other ways an extremely confident person, and at least dating some of these girls got me over the confidence-with-women angle. 

I joined an operatic society and a tennis club - where there were plenty of girl members. I also used friends and family to put the word around that I was looking for a girlfriend. 

I went out with a number of girls - one particularly good re interests but without the necessary chemistry. A friend of my sister was the connection. 

The girl I eventually settled down with was a subsequent flatmate of that young lady. And my best friend took up with that previous girl, and eventually married her  (and they, like me and my wife, are still married). 

I am not really a fan of the major movement towards online dating for some of the reasons you have found. 

Edited January 5, 2019 by taurean

[BigDave]

Yeah it’s pretty rough and I think generally speaking dating these days is as hard as it has ever been. I think it doesn’t help that most of the guys that do well are those that have substantial confidence and have no airs or graces about just being themselves. I find I spend a lot of time feeling like a fake/fraud. I don’t like myself and so I can’t imagine I sell myself very well. 

[taurean]

I agree with what you say re success. 

I observed how a friend interacted with girls. He was confident, assured, amusing and it was like a magnet to them. This was really eye-opening to me, and when I was able to adopt that approach I was able to achieve the same result. 

I would suggest you work on those things you mention that you can see hold you back relationship-wise. Make a commitment to making changes happen, achieving them. 

A very good friend on here put me recently onto the benefits of learning how to love not hate myself - look up self-love, love kindness meditation and take this onboard. 

Ignore those intrusions about being a fake/fraud. Give them no belief, do not connect with them, and refocus your mind away. 

Keep doing that and in time they will lose power and frequency and gradually ease away. 

I am big too Dave - 5ft 11inches and 15.5 stones weight. My wife calls me her gentle giant, and she is only 5ft 3 inches and around 8 stone. 

Size doesn't truly matter - character charm and concern are far more important. 

Edited January 5, 2019 by taurean