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lonelygirl91

Cant step mentally testing and in a really bad place

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I kept testing in detail what if I'd want to be intimate with a woman. I keep testing could I do stuff with a woman and what would I do it a hot girl came onto me. The more I test the more it seems like I could actually want and desire it which scares me and makes me feel anxious. I felt so depressed and hopeless. Mentally testing is so exhausting. I really have to focus so hard to conjure up these thoughts and my brain keeps trying to loose focus. When I get the react I want (disgust and no way, it's definitely not for me!) it makes me feel happy, but when I don't get the reaction that I want (it seeming like I could want to be with a girl and enjoy and desire it), I get freaked out, depressed and anxious. Can your brain really make you think that you could want or enjoy doing something that you don't really want? The more I test these scenarios the more I get the reaction I don't want. Mentally testing is so exhausting and doesn't allow me to focus or function. Yesterday I had to leave work early because I felt so bad and I don't really want to eat because I feel so anxious.

When I think about a guy I enjoy it and it doesn't get in the way of my life. I don't have to test to see whether or not I enjoy it. I don't have to force my mind to analyse the scenarios. I feel happy when I think about guys. I haven't had a really bad episode like this in a long time with the mental testing. I think it could be because this year I got rejected by a guy who I really liked. I tend to feel much worse when I'm going through a bad time. I thought he liked me too. He was the first guy that I really fancied and thought that I clicked with in a long time. He messed me around and led me on and then said he didn't want a relationship and it was best to leave things. It really knocked me and made me feel low.

Edited by lonelygirl91

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I've had these kinds of worries too, but at one point I thought - what if I was attracted to women? Why is that something to feel so awful about? 

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1 hour ago, malina said:

I've had these kinds of worries too, but at one point I thought - what if I was attracted to women? Why is that something to feel so awful about? 

I don't want to be attracted to women; the idea just makes me feel sick and depressed. There's no rational reason. For me it would be the end of the world and make me want to kill myself.

Edited by lonelygirl91

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The content of OCD is irrelevant - though the disorder will  do its utmost to tell you differently. RE the OP's 'dilemma', stop engaging with it. The testing you refer to, is just OCD nonsense. 

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Mentslly testing is exhsusting? Then why do it? I mean, really. Think about it for a minute. You keep doing something over and over and all it leads to is you doing it more. Do you feel like a hamster on a wheel yet?

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2 minutes ago, PolarBear said:

Mentslly testing is exhsusting? Then why do it? I mean, really. Think about it for a minute. You keep doing something over and over and all it leads to is you doing it more. Do you feel like a hamster on a wheel yet?

I do it to test if i truly and genuinely am bi or lesbian and have those kind of feelings but am lying to myself. If I don't get the reaction I want from the thoughts such as disgust and seeming like I could enjoy being with a woman I get anxious and depressed.

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My point was, and you should really read my previous post again, is why do you continue doing something that clearly isn't working? 

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2 hours ago, lonelygirl91 said:

I don't want to be attracted to women; the idea just makes me feel sick and depressed. There's no rational reason. For me it would be the end of the world and make me want to kill myself.

I feel like the extremeness of these sentiments may be contributing to the anxiety you might be dealing with and are worth rethinking.  I also went through a period when I was younger where I had intrusive OCD worries about being gay, and I know that it can be upsetting.  Of course you want to be who you think you are, who you feel comfortable being.  However part of overcoming OCD is also learning to reframe our thinking about the things we obsess about.  A person with contamination OCD isn't just bothered by having thoughts about things being dirty, but also by the extreme reaction to the thought of dirt.  Likewise, a person who fears being gay should work at not having extreme reactions if that were to turn out to be the case.

Its understandable, and common, for sufferers to react strongly to the intrusive thoughts.  We mistakenly believe that reacting strongly in a negative fashion to a thought makes it less likely to be true.  This is one of the core parts of checking compulsions, seeking an extreme negative reaction to the feared stimulus to confirm to ourselves that we really DONT like/want/are the thing.  But its a myth.  You can not be something/not want something without having an extreme reaction to that thing/situation/idea.  A person can be straight and also not have extreme revulsion/reaction/repulsion at the mere idea of attractiveness of a person of the same gender.  I went through that struggle myself when I was younger, fearing that even the SLIGHTEST hint of appreciation of a mans attractiveness was proof that I was secretly gay.  Fortunately I was able to work past that point and now I can comfortable recognize "oh hey, thats a nice looking dude" or "wow, he must get a lot of attention from the ladies" without worrying about whether I'm secretly in to dudes and not women.

So I encourage you to work on reframing your thinking.  Saying "You know what, it wouldn't be the end of the world if I happened to be gay" does NOT at all mean you are, want to be, will find out, you are gay.  These things are totally unrelated. And there is more to life than who we are attracted to, so no matter what you are, gay, straight or in between, your life is still worth living for lots of other reasons.  It makes me sad to hear you say you'd rather be dead than gay and I hope you will be able to move past that kind of extreme reaction, both for your own recovery from the grip OCD has on you plus the generally better place you will be if you look beyond sexual attraction for happiness in your life.

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13 hours ago, lonelygirl91 said:

. When I get the react I want (disgust and no way, it's definitely not for me!) it makes me feel happy, but when I don't get the reaction that I want (it seeming like I could want to be with a girl and enjoy and desire it), I get freaked out, depressed and anxious. Can your brain really make you think that you could want or enjoy doing something that you don't really want? 

Can OCD really trick and manipulate your mind like this?

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20 minutes ago, lonelygirl91 said:

Can OCD really trick and manipulate your mind like this?

Yes, that is why it's an illness. The only way to make it better is to stop engaging with it. By testing yourself you're actively allowing OCD to manipulate your mind. This is a test that you will always fail. When you fear that you're lesbian or bi, you have to tell yourself that this is OCD making you doubt who you are and nothing more. 

7 hours ago, dksea said:


So I encourage you to work on reframing your thinking.  Saying "You know what, it wouldn't be the end of the world if I happened to be gay" does NOT at all mean you are, want to be, will find out, you are gay. 

 

I couldn't agree more with this! Keep in mind that OCD is anxiety, the reason we have a specific theme (being gay in your case) is because, for us, this theme represents something terrifying, a catastrophe and a worst case scenario. The more you try to reframe it and make it into less of a catastrophe, the less you will fear it. It's like this in any scary situation, the more we think of the worst outcome, the more anxious we feel. The more positively we try to frame it, the less scared we are. When you think about it rationally, there are so many people who are lesbian, bi, gay and live happy and satisfying lives, especially in this day and age. So, why is being lesbian or bi be a reason for feeling depressed and wanting to kill yourself? You already recognise that it's irrational, so you have to start thinking rationally.

So you absoultely have to stop testing yourself and catastrophizing. This is the only way to feel better. 

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Today I tried not to test and I'm feeling better. Yesterday and on Wednesday I felt so bad I couldn't function.

So does OCD really manipulate these scenarios and make it seem like it enjoy them even though I feel so anxious and depressed and i know that being with a woman is not what I really want. Now I'm typing it my mind is like but what if it's what you really want?

 I feel that when i mentally test it takes up so much effort and time, it's like my mind doesn't want to go there but I'm forcing these thoughts.

Edited by lonelygirl91

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Stop trying to figure it out. Focus on your daily life and refraining from your testing and ruminating. The rest is just junk to try and draw you back in.

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31 minutes ago, lonelygirl91 said:

So does OCD really manipulate these scenarios and make it seem like it enjoy them even though I feel so anxious and depressed and i know that being with a woman is not what I really want. Now I'm typing it my mind is like but what if it's what you really want?

You didn't answer my question 

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Correct. I'm not going there because you don't need to go there. You're asking for reassurance that this is OCD. Any answer I give you won't satisfy you for long. You'll slip back into ruminating and then testing.

Leave it alone. It's what you need to do.

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