Becoming obsessed with thoughts - things getting worse (Merged Thread)

[Angst]

Hi Phil10.  The pushing away of your partner is a compulsion. Her removal will not solve your obsessional thoughts/fears. (The thoughts are irrational and the OCD solutions are false.) In fact it will make it worse. Like all compulsions. Just contemplate the posts on your threads. 

[Orwell1984]

5 hours ago, PolarBear said:

You are going way overboard. Can't be trusted? Doing what? Living her life normally and not gripped by an irrational fear?

You are the one with the problem. Not the rest of the world. Get that through your head.

Phil you need to listen to this. Your Fiancée will not want to tie herself to someone who blames her for your irrational fears. Now you either lose the compulsions or lose her. You’re kidding yourself if she isn’t weighing up such options, I know I definitely would!

Another day gone, another long list of ruminations by you on this thread. How many more to come?

[Guest Phil10]

Yes going back to an earlier worry about the chair in the end I got rid of the chair on the local paper free to collect as I worried it went in bathroom next to dirty laundry.

I have not replaced the washing machine yet because I fear it coming in the house and going near bins that’s why I have not immediately replaced it. People never said why these bin germs don’t need replacing stuff? Bins ain’t clean when something is new it’s unlikey to have have had bin germs on it but these circumstances mean it could. At my mums house she touches bins all the time.

So yes to sum up I have not got rid of the washing machine yet but it’s holding some water in the powder compartment so I may replace it I Duno what I shall do. 

I wont rule out more thearpy. I am not happy with my partner touching the bin but as she doesn’t have ocd there is always the odd issue that crops up 

[dksea]

37 minutes ago, Phil10 said:

People never said why these bin germs don’t need replacing stuff? Bins ain’t clean when something is new it’s unlikey to have have had bin germs on it but these circumstances mean it could.

There are two reasons why these "bin germs" don't require replacing things.

First, and most important, because the "contamination" you fear from them is a lie.  While germs, dirt, etc. are real things, they do not behave in the way you imagine nor create the level of risk you have come to believe.  The anxiety you feel is real, the REASON you feel the anxiety is fake, false, a complete lie.  Billions of people live their lives without replacing things the way you do and aren't worse off because of it.  Your fiancé, your mother, me, etc.  If the threat you fear were real, we would not be able to do that.

Second, because the rules you have set for replacing aren't even logical.  You say "its unlikely to have had bin germs on it" when its new, yet you fear complete "infection" from mere incidental contact, and that infection spreading throughout your house.  If that were true, then by now EVERYTHING on EARTH would be contaminated.  You don't think someone who works at the store where you buy the bin hasn't touched another bin ever?  Or the person who delivered it to the store?  Or the person who works in the factory where they are made?  If "contamination" is so dangerous and spreads so easy of COURSE all of these things are "contaminated", people touch things all the time, we walk on around, brushing up against objects, against each other, etc.  Every "uncontaminated" thing you own has been touched by someone who has in turn touched untold thousands of other people and things, and they more and more and more.  The world is not a sterile environment, it requires significant effort to create sterile environments, and even then the level of how sterile varies depending on the need, and the need is usually FAR greater than day to day life.

It is literally impossible to live in the kind of "uncontaminated" world you have come to believe is required (its not).  You don't even live in it yourself, because you CAN'T, its not possible, its never been possible, but its also not necessary.  You don't have to follow OCD's rules, you don't have to replace these things.  

[dksea]

1 hour ago, Phil10 said:

I am not happy with my partner touching the bin but as she doesn’t have ocd there is always the odd issue that crops up

It is unfair of you to require her to follow these unnecessary rules though Phil.  Touching bins is a normal thing, it happens, its not a crime.  If she were to follow your rules she would only be helping strength the OCD by enabling your compulsions.  You shouldn't be mad at her, you should be trying to follow her example.

[Guest Phil10]

18 minutes ago, dksea said:

It is unfair of you to require her to follow these unnecessary rules though Phil.  Touching bins is a normal thing, it happens, its not a crime.  If she were to follow your rules she would only be helping strength the OCD by enabling your compulsions.  You shouldn't be mad at her, you should be trying to follow her example.

Yes it’s a case of see how I go at the moment I’ve had new worries every day. I realise this isn’t good so I may have to consider more therapy however money is tight so I would have to work out when I can afford to go again. I have felt better as I say and self help can work but I go through these phases of things going worse and it’s then I feel yes I need help because the thoughts repeat in my head.

I have to remember that writing stuff down and exposure is something I struggle with. Self help relaxation ect and meditation seems more effective for me but I said earlier in the topic I am lazy about doing it. The ocd is very much hard work to keep it in order yet when it settles down I can go months never thinking to much about the thoughts. My fear is my ocd has went from mild to severe and I worry never returning to a normal level or lesser ocd level? Am I right to feel like this? Becuase it’s got so bad I have learned to deal with it being this bad but i know logically I don’t want to be feeling these thoughts daily. If you ask me what I find most difficult I would say letting go and forgetting my worries many of them I can but so many I just refuse to let go of. When I try they come back stronger.

[taurean]

Let's sum up with. 

1).In contamination OCD, the only contamination and links arising from it is in the mind of the sufferer. 

Other people live their lives perfectly happily without those obsessions and compulsions. 

2). Worry is pointless and achieves nothing but unnecessary anxiety. Worry is going around and around something without ever resolving it. 

3). We can have all the therapy in the world, receive all the advice in the world. But if we don't act upon it and in accordance with it, it's worthless. 

4). When we get OCD intrusions, the worst thing we can do is believe them, connect with them, carry out resultant compulsions. 

When we do this, they get stronger and more frequent. 

You need Phil to listen to, learn from and act upon our wise words. Do that, and you will start to get better. 

 

Edited March 28, 2019 by taurean

[Guest Paul92]

The upsetting thing here, Phil, is that your obsessions can be overcome. It just requires you to trust everyone on here and do what they say. You CAN be free of this turmoil, how amazing would that be? Think about it!

[Guest Phil10]

I know people will say “you keep engaging on compulsions” this ain’t the case becuase I am not replacing items I just instead worry about stuff. I have a fear of toilet brushes and plungers. At work today there was a plunger in the cubical where I was and I worried my shoes touched it and go on a journey how I will contaminate the supermarket. Yes I probably never stood near it but I worry and have these false thoughts. It doesn’t help I fear the toilet brushes and plunger becuase 90% of my thoughts right now are this. My ocd says I ran round the house with a toilet brush. These thoughts can be irrational but believable for me. I believe these worries and the ocd’s end goal is to fear everywhere is dirty and I move house. 

[Guest OCDhavenobrain]

You cant keep on having this site as your diary. It is fueling your suffering and I feel as it is quite bad

Edited March 29, 2019 by OCDhavenobrain

[PolarBear]

1 hour ago, Phil10 said:

I know people will say “you keep engaging on compulsions” this ain’t the case becuase I am not replacing items I just instead worry about stuff. I have a fear of toilet brushes and plungers. At work today there was a plunger in the cubical where I was and I worried my shoes touched it and go on a journey how I will contaminate the supermarket. Yes I probably never stood near it but I worry and have these false thoughts. It doesn’t help I fear the toilet brushes and plunger becuase 90% of my thoughts right now are this. My ocd says I ran round the house with a toilet brush. These thoughts can be irrational but believable for me. I believe these worries and the ocd’s end goal is to fear everywhere is dirty and I move house. 

What do you want us to say to this? It's a repeat of fozens of other posts.

You fear something. Got it. Oh well. Don't do compulsions and move on. It's an irrational fear. They're all irrational fears. They are all completely ignorable. Do nothing about them. Nothing!

This applies to your last hundred posts and the next 100. 

[taurean]

Whenever I see someone say "but I am not carrying out compulsions" it seems on investigation that they are doing precisely that - and this has included yours truly in the past. 

Phil, worrying as a result of an obsession is  a compulsion. Because we are still giving belief to, connecting with, the obsession and seeking a fix through compulsions - a fix that will continue to elude us. 

And it takes a while to gradually ease off compulsions and get good at not connecting, and refocusing away. 

Meantime we will still feel anxious, and that the strategy isn't working. 

The only fix is through correctly working CBT. We have frequently told you how you can do this. 

But it takes time, continued effort - and there will be failures along the way, which we need to see as just blips. 

[dksea]

On 30/03/2019 at 01:10, Phil10 said:

I know people will say “you keep engaging on compulsions” this ain’t the case becuase I am not replacing items I just instead worry about stuff.

Replacing is merely one the of compulsions. Another compulsion is writing out your latest worry in this forum, exactly as you did with your latest post.  Can you admit to yourself that you are engaging in another compulsion by doing that?  Still another compulsive behavior is avoidance, which you also engage in by not wanting to touch or be near (or have others touch or be near) things you fear will cause contamination. And of course there is rumination, which you are also engaging in.  It’s great that you are avoiding replacing things, but you need to recognize these other compulsions too. 

[Guest Phil10]

8 hours ago, dksea said:

Replacing is merely one the of compulsions. Another compulsion is writing out your latest worry in this forum, exactly as you did with your latest post.  Can you admit to yourself that you are engaging in another compulsion by doing that?  Still another compulsive behavior is avoidance, which you also engage in by not wanting to touch or be near (or have others touch or be near) things you fear will cause contamination. And of course there is rumination, which you are also engaging in.  It’s great that you are avoiding replacing things, but you need to recognize these other compulsions too. 

Replacing is a big compulsion as I wanted to replace things upto £1k or more or even new houses. I’ve not replaced so that’s progress. The feelings or urges or awkward feelings hasn’t gone away though that’s the problem I don’t want to feel this way. 

[PolarBear]

Not replacing things is a big step forward, Phil. It's great. Keep up with that and start working on slowing down and stopping another compulsion.

Edited March 31, 2019 by PolarBear

[Guest Phil10]

6 minutes ago, PolarBear said:

Not replacing things is a big step forward, Phil. It's great. Keep up with that and start working on slowing down and stopping another compulsion.

I’m not sure why I’m not replacing stuff now it would be easier to know as I could some how reduce my other compulsions. I am skint at the moment but in the past I would use my savings if need be to replace. I have noticed I have had to force some of these worries to the back of my head becuase I realise many of them are false thoughts. For once I am able to separate false ones from actual germ ones which is easier as 90% are false worries.

[PolarBear]

In time you will realize that all of your worries, 100% of them, are fake.

[Guest Phil10]

I need to discuss my ocd today and wonder why it’s got worse.

An example today I did the toilet and I wiped my backside and I went in shower. I wouldn’t touch toilet paper to wipe it more becuase I worried I would make it more dirty. So instead I went in shower and came back out and got a towel and wiped once more. My ocd says that’s what I did In my old house but not 100% true becuase basically I would have wet towels and stand on the floor and bits of toilet paper hit them so they were infact more dirty. So anyway the issue is even if I did a compulsion to shower again it would make no odds I would worry even more. 

For years doing compulsions gave relief in the past six months due to the severity f the ocd the compulsions fuel worse ocd and make worry more I still don’t understand why for years the compulsions gave mild relief and now it stopped working? The relief atleast kept me off message boards but now no matter what I do the ocd will control me. Again I worried about my sock touching the toilet brush a few weeks back I worried for days I had and I forgot it but changing socks wouldn’t have made any odds those compulsions no longer work.

Anyway today’s issue it’s a combination of a compulsion changing the towel and a false thought it’s not often both come at one time. Do I challenge the thought? Ignore the thought? Distract myself? Write it down? Some how dismiss it. I said before I am able to sort of let go of false thoughts more as I know they are false. People say they are all false no if you touch a bin the germs would be there so for me a hand wash will always be required I don’t wish to change this.

So what can I do? These thoughts happen daily at the moment I am constantly suffering high anxiety due to an ocd thought which takes over my day. The good news is atleast it moves onto another thought it can be worse when the same one lasts months. 

I have tried ignoring the thoughts it can work for a bit but not long term. Writing it down doesn’t help. Challenging them yes but this can help slightly. Reducing my over all anxiety has a much better effect but it’s like sitting a therory test for driving it requires hours of relexation and reading of anxiety and how it works and why you don’t let it control you. But it does work.

But I ask for help becuase my compulsions are failing. I am at a stage I don’t even try to do them shower more replace as I said perhaps that’s good but it’s not becuase I am better it’s becuase by doing that compulsion my ocd can double. So yes why did the relief come from doing the compulsion and it suddenly stopped? Is this due to the ocd going from mild to severe? 

[Guest Phil10]

So now I worry the towel rail is dirty and the bathroom and whole house this ocd does get worse and worse it seems. I am sure I came out shower before in this house but can’t rememberer. Had I not wiped my backside I would ocd the sofa was dirty can’t win. 

Edited April 1, 2019 by Phil10

[Angst]

A very intense post. Because if your bipolar diagnosis you cannot take SSRIs. You have two diagnoses. Some of the people advising you take SSRIs and some take SSRIs  in combination with other medications to manage their OCD. The evidence is that taking medication helps.  You, in the broader picture, are doing well - you are working, have resources hence choice, and in a supportive relationship. All the problems you cite in your post are non problems. Absolutely insignificant. But you are wound up in obsessional thoughts. Do not worry about supposed  increasing levels of OCD. Easy words - yes. Reassurance -yes. It seems being at home too much causes the problem. What are you and your future wife doing tonight?

[Guest Phil10]

7 minutes ago, Angst said:

A very intense post. Because if your bipolar diagnosis you cannot take SSRIs. You have two diagnoses. Some of the people advising you take SSRIs and some take SSRIs  in combination with other medications to manage their OCD. The evidence is that taking medication helps.  You, in the broader picture, are doing well - you are working, have resources hence choice, and in a supportive relationship. All the problems you cite in your post are non problems. Absolutely insignificant. But you are wound up in obsessional thoughts. Do not worry about supposed  increasing levels of OCD. Easy words - yes. Reassurance -yes. It seems being at home too much causes the problem. What are you and your future wife doing tonight?

Yes I was in all day today but generally I am quite active I go many foreign holidays all be it by train mostly now as I have issues with flying anxiety. I do work and am getting married so yes and many of my issues are trivial. They are mostly contamination worries. I do tend to replace stuff but also money has been tight so I have not done much or replaced much. I had about 8 sessions of Cbt but it cost over £300 pounds so it was expansive. I may go back and try a different theripst but I said many times before the way I beat my ocd what works for me is reducing anxiety so I believe any help I get should be meditation or treatment of anxiety becuase exposure therapy doesn’t work for me I don’t approve of it, I don’t believe it nor can I support it. 

[Angst]

The CBT theory considers that exposure reduces anxiety not immediately but soon. Medication can help you ride out that anxiety in that period of exposure.

 Money is important because it gives you choice. Important in your case because your NHS psychiatrist refused to provide publicly funded therapy for your OCD. So you have to go private.

An idea. When at home and you begin to obsess. Do something. Recognise that moment and do something to stop it overwhelming you. That recognition of a set of thoughts coming on is really important.

[Guest Phil10]

Yes I can see the ocd thoughts coming that’s for sure. I don’t Go this is my silly ocd I instead worry and believe them and buy into them. Past few months everything has been contaminated I mean do other people think that extreme? I feel like I am the only one having this 

[Orwell1984]

4 hours ago, Phil10 said:

So yes why did the relief come from doing the compulsion and it suddenly stopped? Is this due to the ocd going from mild to severe? 

Yes.

why don’t u realise that the OCD is a circle that feeds on itself? Compulsions make obsessions. More obsessions troubling the sufferer makes it more likely the sufferer will give in and do compulsions, which makes the obsessions even more strong even though you might feel a ‘hit’ of relief. Like a hardened junkie, the relief does not come after a slight compulsion, but a whole heap of them and only stays for a short while. Then the sufferer becomes immune to that particular compulsion. No relief is to be had. But you crave escape all the time.

This is what has happened to you. Your ocd obsessions are so strong, the compulsions don’t give any relief from the anxiety anymore. But for some reason you still think compulsions are the way out, after all of the threads, from so many people who know from experience. Maybe you personally need to hit absolute rock bottom to change.

 

[Guest Phil10]

13 minutes ago, Orwell1984 said:

Yes.

why don’t u realise that the OCD is a circle that feeds on itself? Compulsions make obsessions. More obsessions troubling the sufferer makes it more likely the sufferer will give in and do compulsions, which makes the obsessions even more strong even though you might feel a ‘hit’ of relief. Like a hardened junkie, the relief does not come after a slight compulsion, but a whole heap of them and only stays for a short while. Then the sufferer becomes immune to that particular compulsion. No relief is to be had. But you crave escape all the time.

This is what has happened to you. Your ocd obsessions are so strong, the compulsions don’t give any relief from the anxiety anymore. But for some reason you still think compulsions are the way out, after all of the threads, from so many people who know from experience. Maybe you personally need to hit absolute rock bottom to change.

 

You are correct they are strong has it been proven before people’s obsessions don’t work? Perhaps I don’t understand ocd well given I only suffered mild hand washing for 15 years and I was able to mostly ignore it due to other anxiety. It’s only been in the past 3 years I have realised how bad ocd can be. I was quite ignorant to it thinking it can only make you check the odd door is locked or hand washing.

Rock bottom yes I have maybe already been there when I spend all day worrying. Lately I’ve had stuff like sore stomachs brought on by the anxiety and ocd. 

These existance and contamination worries I have learnt are hard to let go of. It’s hard to say they are lies when I believe them. I have all these ocd rules but I am finding In the real world it’s hard to meet these standards. So my question is what can you do when ocd is very severe and as pointed out I can’t have meds?