OCD - wanting to understand thoughts

[Koala17]

I think I have a sort of strange version of OCD where rather than not wanting to think thoughts, I feel I have to think about them to understand them properly. I think it's the same basic problem of not understanding where the thoughts are coming from, but in my case I'll quite often be thinking about any kind of topic and suddenly have a feeling that I've 'missed something', in the sense that I've assumed or understood something implicitly, but can't describe to myself what it was. In a very simple case, I could be out shopping and totting up the cost of what I've bought, and get it wrong, and then not only do I feel the need to correct it, but I need to understand where I went wrong, in case there was some kind of logical gap. I.e., the need to 'misunderstand' the numbers again to figure out why I didn't understand them initially. Weirdly I don't have any issue with the idea that I might have done a '2+2=5' in my head, but I nonetheless get an overwhelmingly strong feeling that I need to know, and I'm not even sure what it is that I'm afraid of - some kind of logical void maybe? My thoughts are normally more abstract and sort of pseudo-philosophical, but it's almost always the case that I feel like there's some concept that has flashed through my mind very briefly, but and hard as I try, I can't bring it back. Similarly, but related to emotions rather than concepts, I sometimes feel like I have memories of being a kid, or I see a certain place, and it gives me a particular feeling or ambience (most of the time quite nice, to be honest), but again I get this inexplicable feeling of not being able to explain it, like remembering seeing a snowy scene as a kid and feeling it looked 'magical', but not quite being able to recreate in my mind exactly why it felt that way, or why looking at it as an adult would feel different. I understand that memories are imperfect, and I'll never be able to recreate exactly how I felt, but in the same way as the concepts, I feel like something fleeting has happened in my mind, and, extremely frustratingly, I can't explain it or bring it back. 

For me it's more a constant low-level irritation, but every now and again I'll get a spike of anxiety about something, especially where I'm trying to recall a thought while talking to someone or doing something brain-intensive, and I'm trying to both concentrate but simultaneously hold onto the thought.  Sometimes it can be gone in seconds and I'm left with a feeling of unease about a general topic, but with this gap in my memory about exactly what I had an issue with. It's almost like a conceptual version of being able to experience a new colour and then losing it, and not being able to ever convince yourself that you could recreate it in your mind again.

Trying to psycho-analyse myself, I've always been very 'purpose-driven', and often worries about things seeming meaningless. I now think that as well as trying to find (or create) meaning in life, I've now developed an intense fear of my own thoughts being meaningless.

Weird as this sounds, has anyone else experienced anything similar? :-)

[Gemma7]

It's not that strange actually, have you ever heard of people re-reading what they've read because they worry they've missed something? It's quite common, I know I've experienced it, and your problem sounds quite similar. Instead of it being through reading it's just your own internal monologue that you are re-reading. It's just like all other OCD checks, it's to gain certainty and make sure of something. 

You really need to stop checking your thoughts, OCD will only want more and more checks done, and want you to be more and more sure. It will then increase your focus on these times increasing the liklihood of you experiencing them and make it feel harder to ignore.

Try to remember non OCD sufferers experience similar times when they think they've missed something but they don't see it as important on the whole and move on. On an occasion where they don't move on immediately they might think for a moment but then again move on assuming it was unimportant or they will remember it at another time.

Do you have a therapist, do you know about therapy for OCD? 

[Guest Phil10]

I can relate to this as I also wonder where my thoughts come from and worry about them. 

[Koala17]

Hi, thanks for the replies.

No, I don't have a therapist. I went to one once, but it wasn't much use - it doesn't really help that I can't articulate any particular themes. I don't think my issue is actually with any particular theme, it's just trying to understand why my mind will snag on a random idea or memory and give me the feeling that there's something more I need to 'understand' about it. It's not like I feel the need to understand everything I come across though, or that I'm depressed by the idea that things might exist that I can't understand, it's just that it drives me nuts having the feeling that I understand something momentarily, and then lose it before I have chance to 'figure it out' properly. I guess an element of it might be that I'm not very driven in my working or personal life at the moment, so my mind will just create problems out of nowhere. I've had OCD for a long time, and it tends to crop up more when I don't have more pressing things on my mind.

 

[Gemma7]

It's likely then that the therapist you saw wasn't very experienced in helping people with OCD. I can see what you are saying about it not being an easy theme to explain, but in simple terms you place an overimportance on thoughts and feelings. This is very common in all types of OCD and is very treatable. I recommend looking into CBT possibly with the help of a self-help book like Break free from OCD, so you can stop being affected by the problem. The themes described in self-help books might not be what you experience but the core lessons apply across the board