Ridiculous crashing and burning

[BigDave]

Hi all,

I thought I'd post an update as I've been away from a few days now and it has been mostly because I've been in a bad spot. It's amazing what a trigger can be. This time, for it, it was one of those scam callers on a quiet Friday afternoon that really freaked me out. I should have realised that I wasn't in a fit state to handle this sort of thing but I tried it head on and since then, my OCD has been really spiralling out of control.

It really has been taking on all forms

In the form of Pure O and guilt OCD (if you can call it that) where I have basically been pummelling myself with thoughts that I am a bad person and a criminal and I've been feeling really suicidal and low. Amazingly, it is drawing on memories from many years ago now (nearly a decade) but I have been constantly beating myself up about it. And despite being told that it is nothing or really minor, I have been really hitting myself hard. I have been suicidal and I have been really hating myself so much. I am actually surprised I am writing to you right now because I really felt at one point there was nothing more for me and my OCD was really smashing me hard.

I have also had severe relapses of contamination OCD (in the form of washing my hands, as well as being paranoid that when I am washing my hands, water is bouncing off the toilet or the toilet floor (as it is right next to the sink) and bouncing onto me. I am consequently changing my clothes and towels regularly and pretty much afraid to go to the toilet in fear of finding a puddle of urine on the floor from my brother or literally at the thought of having to wash my hands and get toilet splash back on me). Then there is the usual stuff such as touching walls, or door handles or anything. It almost seems that the more I try and tackle this, the harder it gets and it tries to scare me off doing it. But to be honest, it has been the worst it has been for a while.

Then there has been the checking stuff. This is mostly in terms of my TV but not limited to it. The best thing is the example of it I walk into my room with wet hands or if I walk past my TV and spit, I am constantly in fear that I have got water or saliva on my TV screen. And while I know that the actual result is innocuous and would just need a quick wipe to get rid of it, I find myself checking every square inch of the TV, finding it is fine, then wiping it, then walking away, then believing that I've spat on it again, wipe it, check it, walk away, then go back and wipe it again, check it etc etc. It is so frustrating and I lost an entire night last night doing exactly that.

There are plenty of other things that are going on but those are the big three examples. I am completely miserable right now. I am just so sick of this.  I  really want to believe I can change but I don't think I'm strong enough. I am trying to do the techniques. I am carefully listening to my therapist. But I think this thing has beaten me. My depression is helping me see to that .

 

Anyway, I just really wanted to vent. You guys probably think I'm an idiot by now or just a really bad person or something. Sorry for bothering you.

[PolarBear]

Yeah you are down on yourself. So you had a bad couple of days. Oh well. Take a breath and begin again.

Things got tough and you reverted to compulsions. That got you stuck. You know what to do so just start doing it.

[taurean]

When we give meaning to obsessive intrusions, respond with disorder (the D) and try and ease the disorder by carrying out compulsions, we get unwell. 

When we are struggling with our ability to spot the nonsense that is the OCD even a tiny obsessive issue can blow up into a catastrophic setback. I know this too well, I have all the T-shirts in my wardrobe. 

But we CAN learn to treat the intrusions as "just my silly obsession" and gently but wilfully ease them away. If I can so can others. I have no especial mental powers. 

[BigDave]

It’s been a couple of days since my last post and I’m doing better even though I can feel the negative thoughts there. I’ve been transparent with my parents about everything as I think they need to know I’m feeling suicidal so that has helped matters somewhat, also just for getting it off my chest. I know that I am relentlessly persecuting myself though and it’s not conducive to anything. 

I feel like I need to get my life back on track now. It’s really gone off the rails and it’s really sad seeing the man in the mirror that I’ve become.