Fed up

[don't know]

I don't know why I'm here. I don't why I constantly post on this forum when it's clear that it's not ocd. I understand that people have taken the time out to explain how ocd works and I feel really guilty about it. 

I have even been diagnosed with ocd by one professional but the other two didn't think so. I was also put on medication which I'm now off of. 

This week has been a nightmare. I don't understand it. It likes I don't know myself. I have spent all this time on Internet forums, articles, ocd forums etc. Looking to see whether this is ocd or not. It can't be though. My sexual thoughts bring on intense arousals. They feel different but more intense and happen quite a lot. The other arousal happens when I actually fantasise about someone who I'm attracted to and feels so much better. Again I don't know whether this is true or not. I feel like I'm in denial because rationally if my body is reacting to things and I'm not panicking that means there's some truth to it. 

When it wasn't so intense I could believe that it could just be ocd but with this in the mix it's undeniable. I used to know that I didn't want to do these things. In fact I had a break from my obsessions when I developed feelings for a guy! But I'm scared that they were forced or faked to prove that I had ocd. I'm actually scared about this. Like people pretend to like people all the time to try and prove that they aren't sexual deviants. Was that me? You'd be surprised, I was from my reading. 

Another thing is it feels like I could do these things. I don't think I want to do them because they have only cropped up in the last week but again my stomach became lighter so that must means there's truth to it. I feel nothing but still this intense feeling with every single person. It's difficult to know whether I've repressed my urges or not and that's them now coming up to the surface. 

Like from this description it sounds more like denial/repression rather than someone who is actually struggling with ocd. 

I don't even know to be honest. I probably come on here to talk about them since I can't talk about them in my life. I've just been depressed. My family have noticed it; I've just stayed in my room and been on the internet just looking to see whether it's ocd or not. I've fallen behind in my work and just don't know who I am. 

 

[felix4]

59 minutes ago, don't know said:

I have even been diagnosed with ocd by one professional but the other two didn't think so. I was also put on medication which I'm now off of. 

Sadly, I get the impression that not all professionals are clued up when it comes to diagnosing OCD, some GP's for example. And unless it is say something visible like handwashing, then they don't pursue the matter, when logically, you'd think that they would do a referral to psychology to get a definitive answer.

You are clearly struggling here, so why not push your GP for a referral to see a specialist? Also, why not print out some of your posts to show them the position that you feel that you are in!

All the best.

[don't know]

I can't stop looking up things. I'm now stuck on my childhood and what it says about me. I can't sleep. Oh my god - I don't know. I'm so convinced this is denial it must be no other possible explanation 

[PolarBear]

Another thread. Same old, same old. When you get truly sick and tired of your situation and you want to take on our advice, we'll be here.

[don't know]

Look, i understand the frustration of just seeing my posts all the time. I do, I am very annoying but this situation is really annoying as well. I can't sleep or do anything because I am panicking right now. I don't know what to do or what my situation really is. I feel like I'm about to be sick because of this. 

[Orwell1984]

The constant analysis, checking and searching online proves it is OCD. These are all 'figuring out' compulsions. It doesn't feel clear because that's what OCD is, the doubting disease. Ask your GP for a referral.

[paradoxer]

The OP's initial post strikes me as a thinly disguised pitch for reassurance. Rather, than responding with 'it's OCD', it might be more useful, and paradoxically, kinder, yes, kinder, to suggest to the OP that their fears might be justified. 

[don't know]

I just wrote this because I was frustrated and didn't know where to turn. It wasn't reassurance. I'm a liar and a fraud. 

[Orwell1984]

6 hours ago, paradoxer said:

The OP's initial post strikes me as a thinly disguised pitch for reassurance. Rather, than responding with 'it's OCD', it might be more useful, and paradoxically, kinder, yes, kinder, to suggest to the OP that their fears might be justified. 

Paradoxer is right. Dontknow, the thing is you will never know. The quickest way out of the torture is to accept the uncertainty. Your fears might be justified- that is not a 'yes they are justified' or a 'no they aren't justified'. You need to become comfortable with the living in the middle as if the question does not matter and the answer doesn't matter. Accepting the discomfort is your ticket to wellness. 

[don't know]

When it's on your mind and consumes you for four years it seems pretty important. I can agree that when it wasn't on my mind constantly I felt I could see clearly. But, isn't ocd about not actually becoming what you fear? So if it were to come true that would mean this was never ocd and I've wasted so much time and energy. I don't understand to be fair. I just feel empty - not even any anxiety or discomfort. Like what's the point? 

Edited January 17, 2019 by don't know

[Orwell1984]

1 minute ago, don't know said:

So if it were to come true that would mean this was never ocd and I've wasted so much time and energy.

This is the worst of your fears. You need to accept the uncertainty of this thought. Note the words 'thought' and 'fears'. Every single person with OCD has a variation of this thought. The way to overcome OCD is to accept this thought and treat it as unimportant. Literally that is the way out.

[don't know]

But there are no intrusive thoughts anymore and I feel empty but I'm just thinking about it. How can that be ocd? 

How do I know I'm not wanting these thoughts? These are the answers I need. I keep looking back and thinking that was probably a sign and this and this and this. Ever since reading these other forums. I don't feel happy about it, but it's there and I don't want anything to do with them. But that's what someone in denial would do - push the thoughts away until they come back up again and again. I don't want to feel like this. 

Edited January 17, 2019 by don't know

[Orwell1984]

17 minutes ago, don't know said:

But there are no intrusive thoughts anymore and I feel empty but I'm just thinking about it. How can that be ocd? 

Because the rumination compulsion is a bad habit. You need to retrain your brain.  The question 'how can it be ocd' is another automatic question that leads to more rumination. 

ALL the questions are obsessions. All the wondering and answering are compulsions. The rest of your post is OCD RUMINATION -->

17 minutes ago, don't know said:

How do I know I'm not wanting these thoughts? These are the answers I need. I keep looking back and thinking that was probably a sign and this and this and this. Ever since reading these other forums. I don't feel happy about it, but it's there and I don't want anything to do with them. But that's what someone in denial would do - push the thoughts away until they come back up again and again. I don't want to feel like this. 

Which is why nobody should answer these questions. 

The quickest way out of the torture is to accept the uncertainty. Your fears might be justified- that is not a 'yes they are justified' or a 'no they aren't justified'. You need to become comfortable with the living in the middle as if the question does not matter and the answer doesn't matter. Accepting the discomfort is your ticket to wellness. 

Edited January 17, 2019 by Orwell1984

[don't know]

But isn't it just better to tell me whether this is ocd or denial so I'm not taking up time on this forum? This is the question I need answered. 

[Orwell1984]

1 minute ago, don't know said:

But isn't it just better to tell me whether this is ocd or denial so I'm not taking up time on this forum? This is the question I need answered. 

Would you believe me if I said it was OCD? That's why asking and answering the questions is pointless. I know it's OCD.

 

You will be back again asking the same question again and again. Look at the pattern. 

 

Measure how long this reassurance lasts until you ask the question again and ask yourself was it worth it?

[don't know]

I think I would feel better if someone literally just said whether it was or not. I understand about reassurance because I sometimes go looking to see that I'm not but wouldn't someone who is into incest and all that go to the extremes to make sure they weren't into it, and be in denial? That's what's I don't understand. All the signs are adding up and it's just like I'm fooling myself at this point if I try and believe it's ocd. 

[Orwell1984]

Well I said I thought it was OCD. Did it make any difference? You will want to ask everyone the same question. 

[Orwell1984]

Measure how long this reassurance lasts until you ask the question again and ask yourself was it worth it?

[PolarBear]

2 hours ago, don't know said:

But isn't it just better to tell me whether this is ocd or denial so I'm not taking up time on this forum? This is the question I need answered. 

You have been told this likely dozens of times! We have taken the time to explain why it is OCD. But all our work is falling on deaf ears right now.

The reason is simple. In addition to having sexual themed OCD, you have OCD about having OCD. On the subject of whether this is OCD or not, you are reacting with an OCD mindset. 

There is really no reason for us to keep going over this with you. You ignore our words and advice, revert to doing compulsions and remain stuck.

You have to change whst you are doing or you will stay stuck.

[don't know]

You're right I didn't feel better. In fact I went and googled and looked things up. It helped for a bit but then I came across something that made me feel worried. You're right it wasn't the right thing to do. 

Havent learned my lesson because I did it again and still panicked. I just feel ill. 

Edited January 17, 2019 by don't know

[dksea]

1 hour ago, don't know said:

You're right I didn't feel better. In fact I went and googled and looked things up. It helped for a bit but then I came across something that made me feel worried. You're right it wasn't the right thing to do. 

Something you should keep in mind the next time you are doubting whether your behavior is OCD or denial, what you have described above is textbook OCD behavior.  Rather than jump to Google and research (I know the pull of that, it can be hard to resist, but you should try as hard as you can) remind yourself of that.  Give yourself permission to treat this as OCD, even if you still feel doubt, its ok, you don't have to be certain.