Was feeling better

[don't know]

I don't even know anymore. I wasn't focused on sexual 'intrusive' thoughts today. (Don't want to write down the theme because it's disturbing) But, anyway, I ended up going onto one of those forums and seeing whether I was into that stuff. I got panicked when I read about people's experience with it. I know I shouldn't have done it. But I saw that a few people thought they were normal until they looked back and were actually always intrigued by that stuff. I don't know whether it's repression or not - it must be though. I also saw a few people had anxiety when they considered that were interested in that type of thing and now I don't know because by going onto these forums and that it must mean something. I wouldn't be going on them otherwise. I don't know what to think. I'm just confused by this because it just seems like my past is irrelevant and when I try and think of these things I feel uncomfortable and don't like them. It just feels like I'm sexually repressed at this point and everything points in the other direction. 

Edited January 19, 2019 by don't know

[Orwell1984]

Seriously you're only going to feel much worse if you keep doing what you're doing. 

Let the anxiety and questions be there and just know that you wouldn't be feeling half as bad if you didn't do all of those compulsions. So you'll know for next time hopefully to just let the urge to investigate be there and don't respond to it anymore.

[paradoxer]

don't know, I'm probably going to get some flak for this, but continually using an OCD advice forum, to help facilitate OCD, becomes a bit of an abuse after a while. Yes, I'm thinking of the other well intentioned forumers here who have responded to you, but no less to yourself. Try and suck up some of that anxiety, and get on with your day. 

Note: 'good cop' seems kind of crueler here.  

[Orwell1984]

You are right Paradoxer. I'm gonna bow out now dontknow because you have been given the advice, you need to print it out and put the tips on flash cards or something and use those. Wean yourself off using this forum for reassurance. Otherwise you're gonna get worse.

[PolarBear]

You have been told repeatedly to stop going to those other forums. Every time you go there, you feel terrible and then come here to complain about it. Figure it out! It's like you keep touching a hot burner and complain to us your hand hurts. Stop touching the burner!