Jump to content

Endless Obsessing. Feeling Helpless


Recommended Posts

Hello. It's been a while since I've been here, and this is the only place I knew of to turn to. I'm moving with my family on Tuesday, and I've been in a constant cycle of obsessions. I feel like any decision I make will be the wrong one. Interestingly, I've just got over a year of bad health that I thought I'd never recover from. Finally I met a great doctor who understood what was wrong and told me the right treatment. I am appreciative of this, and I've felt like I've been given a second chance at life. Nonetheless, the obsessions are taking over again. Have you ever felt that when you have ocd during a conversation with someone, you get distracted and end up saying things that make you embarrassed?

I have a friend who is studying physics in graduate school. We've met a couple times a year over the last three years or so. It's fascinating to talk with him and for me to learn what he studies. I enjoy learning about science as a lay person, and he's good enough to meet with me from time to time for casual conversations about it. I hadn't met with him in about a year, and we had finally planned to meet again today. The first half of our meeting was good, but then I started obsessing and things didn't feel right. Then I started getting tense thinking that maybe he notices I'm not focused on our conversation anymore, and I would need to force myself to say something. In the car ride on the way back, I brought up the net flix show Black Mirror. He watches it as well, and one of the episodes he brought up involved a disturbing scenario where a woman is repeatedly tortured in her next life for having committed a horrible crime in her previous life. I was a bit out of it at that point, but felt the need to keep the conversation going. I some how turned the conversation into a philosophical one about how torture, just for the sake of it, is unethical and can't be justified regardless of how bad the person was. I also talked about how it seems most people think torture just to get back at someone is ok which is strange since our constitution forbids cruel and unusual punishment. It was a little out of place but maybe not so much so in the context of what we had been discussing. Then, though, I said "I'm unlike most people in that I think it's better to shoot ten people in the head if they die instantly than to torture one person over a long period. For me it's more about quality than quantity." He responded with a few words to keep the conversation going, and at some point, not knowing really how to express myself anymore due the the OCD, I repeated myself and said "For me it's more about quality than quantity" ! I think this is a very important issue with big social consequences, but the way I expressed it I think just was off.

Then I think I started to sound even more off: "My favorite movie of all time is a Clockwork Orange. Some people think I'm strange for liking a movie that has that much violence. They miss the point. The point of the book which the movie was based on is that if the characters are engaged in dialogue that is interesting enough, and the music in the background is good enough, people will be distracted away from the violence". I didn't express myself well at all, and think I may have even sounded like a serial killer. At that point, if I were him, I'd be like what am I doing in this guy's car. I also said the movie was a combination of the best director, Stanley Kubric, and one of my favorite writers, Anthony Burgess. 

Anyway seems like my day was ruined for no reason, and I may have lost a good person as a friend. I just want to live quietly as a decent person without harming people. My inner world is a mess though. My work can be toxic. I am a collection lawyer meaning I have to go after people who have judgments against them but conceal assets to avoid paying. It's very stressful sometimes and I think this feeds into my ocd. When we move, my daughter will be entering a new school. I'm so afraid of the things that could happen- e.g. what if she is bullied or doesn't adjust etc. There are all kinds of stories on the news here of kids being bullied and how bad it is for them. I actually have a half brother who will be in her school (he's in 7th grade, she's in sixth). We were away for five days together over the holidays, and I observed he was quite unfriendly to her the whole time, and even pushed her into a jacuzzi which could have been dangerous. I'm worried about what if he bullies her or gets other people to. 

I just don't know what to do. Sometimes I wish I did something more creative for a job. That's one of the reasons it's refreshing to talk to someone doing physics since their job is discovery and creation, whereas mine is chasing people and dealing with people yelling and cursing. I even sometimes wish I could move with my family to somewhere like Norway where people are chill, and where the social system is good, but I heard it's very hard to get permission to move there. 

I need to make some serious choices since things aren't working. Please advise. Sorry I know I've been jumping around a bit in this post.

Thank you for reading this. 
 

Link to comment

Hi Noah, sorry to hear you are having a tough time.  It sounds like you've been through quite a lot recently, both with your physical illness and with the stress of moving.  Its not at all uncommon for that kind of stress to result in increased problems with OCD.  Its no cure, but it might help to think of ways which you can reduce some of the stress, possibly with mindfulness or other relaxation techniques.  Thats just something small to consider as part of the overall picture mind you, but its worth a shot.  Also, if possible it might be a good idea to work with a therapist, either one you have seen before if your move is not too far from where you previously lived, or to find one in your new area.  If you are taking any medication for your OCD you could consider talking with your doctor to see if temporarily going to a higher dosage might be a good idea while dealing with the acute stress of the move.  

So moving on from the general suggestions I wanted to break this down in to three parts, first to address the incident you talked about with your friend, and second to discuss the concerns you have about your daughter, and third to discuss your job.

Link to comment

So first, the situation you describe with your friend.  You definitely are exhibiting some very strong OCD behavior, but its less about the actual conversation itself, and more that you are spending a lot of time and energy ruminating on it, analyzing it, worrying about it and seeking reassurance for it here on the forums.  Is it possible you said some things that totally creeped your friend out and he'll never want to see you again?  Sure, its possible.  But its also possible he didn't think much of it the way you have, and even if he did find it odd, he's been your friend long enough and knows you well enough to know that you aren't as crazy as you THINK you sounded.  The conversation happened, you can't change that.  Dwelling on it is not going to help you.  What you need to do is work on letting it go, work on moving forward and accepting that you can't change it.  Whatever happens will happen and you can deal with that then.

Meanwhile, yes, OCD can hit us and interfere with our abilities to engage in and enjoy normal conversation, but lots of things can do that.  All people have that problem from time to time.  Maybe they had a bad day at work, maybe they are overly tired, maybe they have some up coming obligation on their mind, etc.  Conversations, especially casual ones don't work like scripted movie lines.  Sometimes we aren't at a our best.  Sometimes we say things that sound a little weird.  Sometimes we make the wrong impression.  It happens, its normal, and you deal with it IF it becomes an issue.  The best thing you can do for your OCD recovery is to try and treat it as no big deal for now.  Assuming the worst possible outcome (losing your friend because he thinks you are a serial killer) is a very OCD thing to do and a very unhelpful thing to do too.  Try to assume a reasonable outcome, that it was just a normal conversation, no big deal, and your friend isn't giving it anywhere near the same amount of thought that you are.  Thats the most likely situation.

Link to comment

Regarding worrying about your daughters school situation, full disclaimer, I do not have children of my own so my advice here is going to be somewhat limited.  It seems to me that its pretty normal to worry about your children's safety and happiness.  I have a feeling many parents, including those without OCD would have the same types of concerns you do.  It would be very sad if she was bullied or didn't adjust well.  Those types of situations do happen after all.  But its also possible she will make new friends, have a good time, really excel at her new school.  My advice to you on that front is to accept that its normal to feel some anxiety, but also recognize that worrying about what MIGHT happen isn't going to do you much good.  You can take reasonable steps to be prepared, talk with your daughter before hand to let her know she can come to you if she is having trouble.  Meet with the teacher to understand what the class will be like (good idea in general to get to know the teacher, teachers generally appreciate positively involved parents).  And watch out for signs of trouble.  But until there is actually a problem there is only a small amount you can do.  As much as we want to protect our loved ones from trouble, and I get the impression that feeling is even stronger for parents towards their children, its just not possible to protect them completely.  Much like OCD's demand for absolutely certainty its an impossible goal.  Do a reasonable level of good parenting and deal with whatever comes when it does IF it does.  With luck you won't have to deal with much.  Work on accepting the doubt and uncertainty, its part of life no matter how much OCD tries to tell you otherwise.

Link to comment

Finally, as to your career (and wanting to move to another country), it can seem tempting when things aren't going well to look elsewhere for solutions.  The reality is we often face difficulties wherever we go.  Norway certainly has good qualities and maybe its a place you would be happy, but it might also end up being a place where you have more problems.  If your career and your location are causing undo stress its not crazy to consider changing them either, but such decisions should be done carefully and with realistic expectations.  Maybe you can start with small changes.  Maybe there is another area of law that you would find less stressful, less frustrating.  Rather than making a grand change (becoming an artist and moving to Oslo) you can make smaller, more immediate changes.  Something to consider.  And keep in mind, for some people work is a passion, its where they find joy.  For other people, work is something you do so you can afford to do your passion elsewhere.  Maybe your passion isn't work, but maybe it can be something outside of work.  It would be great if we could all get paid enough to do our passions AS our job, but until that happens, maybe look for ways you can make the most out of what you do have?  Anyhow, best of luck.

Link to comment

HI dksea. Thank you very much for your response, and for your help in the past as well. It was helpful to read your post and get a more clear headed perspective on the situation. The advice related to my daughter and job is very practical. I will give some more thought to the whole situation, and may post again in this thread with updates.

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...