Can't cope

[rm36]

I feel like I am going mad today. I have had issues with OCD and anxiety in the past and was on Sertraline for a few years. I came off them myself about a year ago now as I was struggling to lose weight because of them. I have had some anxiety issues since coming off them but nothing that I would describe as severe. Until now.

I recently gained promotion at work as an assistant manager, maybe the sense of extra responsibility has triggered this I don't know. Basically I was on the bus home from work going over and over in my head things that had happened that day as usual, trying to reassure myself I had set the alarm etc when the thought popped into my head out of nowhere  that the front door of the workplace wasn't locked. Usually a colleague locks the door while I set the alarm as only myself or a manager can set it.  But since the thought popped into my head, I can't remember actually seeing my colleague lock the door so I have convinced myself it isn't locked. I started freaking out so badly that I got the bus back to my workplace to look and check the door was locked. I couldn't physically check with keys as it would have set the alarm off and I couldn't unset and reset the alarm as the security company would have been alerted and would have called my manager to ask why.  (By this time it was a couple of hours since I had finished work). The doors looked fully secure and there is a small gap between the 2 doors which I could see the bar of the lock between if that makes sense. So I thought ok that's fine the doors are locked and I went home. Between travelling time and having to wait for a bus I didn't get home until 3 hours after I normally would, frozen through.

However, within an hour of getting home I immediately started thinking maybe it isn't locked and the whole thing started again and now I am in a state of severe anxiety , I can't sleep, I'm ruminating constantly I'm racking my brain trying to think of something that I remember that indicates to me that my colleague definitely locked the door.  I feel sick, I feel hot, like I want to hurt myself to get rid of the frustration. My chest is tight and I'm crying with total panic.
I won't be back at work til tomorrow and until then I am going to continue to freak out. If it turns out the door isn't locked I'll lose my job and i cant afford for that to happen . I don't know how I am going to get through the rest of the weekend feeling like this. 

Reading it back the whole scenario seems ridiculous but I can't stop going over and over and over it. I feel like an absolute freak. If anyone knew I had travelled back to work on a freezing cold Saturday night to look at a door I would die of shame. I'm even panicking that someone I know will read this and work out it is me.  How can I get through the day and night until tomorrow?

Edited January 20, 2019 by rm36
Clarify a point

[PolarBear]

You need to have a conversation with yourself and your doctor about your meds. If they were working before, reducing your anxiety to manageable levels, why would you stop them on your own? Losing weight, okay, but your mentsl health is just as important as your physical health.

What you are doing now is ruminating. It's a compulsion and it's making your situation worse. Refuse to get drawn into thinking about that lock. Get yourself busy doing something else. Tomorrow will come soon enough.

[rm36]

Thank you for your reply. 

I spent the day drinking wine to try and calm the panic. I'm at a point now where I am trying to just tell myself so be it. I'm just too tired to keep going over it. I wish my brain would give me peace.