Father in need of help

[Ironborn]

Hello all.
 

Recently (5 weeks) ago i became a father of a healthy beautiful son. Up until now things were quite ok, but i noticed that sometimes when he cries relentlessly i feel like im starting to get angry and frustrated. i try not to let it out, but it can be really hard sometimes.

Last night i slept with my son in the room separate from my wife. She was very tired and needed to catch up some sleep. But my son just would not go to sleep, he kept crying, spitting out his pacifier, overstretching etc etc. i checked everything, his diaper, clothing, fed him etc but nothing would help. 

 

At some point i noticed i was starting to feel hopeless, frustrated and even angry!

So i began talking with a loud voice saying things like;


' I know your sad just stop it already! '

' Come on little one there is nothing to cry about! '

Or just making sounds like  ' arghhhhhh '


Of course i dont mean those things, but because of frustration it just happened. The thing is i also started to pick him up more roughly then usual. Like i lifted him up faster, i would lay him down a bit faster or harder. i even read online that shushing in the baby's ear quite loudly helps them calm down. Well i did that as well but did it like really loud! But nothing worked.

At some point i placed him back in his crib. made the bed went to lay down and he started again, i remember feeling this overwhelming sense of anger, and started to 'feel' the urge to do 'something' physical. but did not shake him or anything like that i just got this overwhelming feeling of wanting to do so, and thus made me handle him more roughly as i mentioned before. but while handling him i felt the urge to almost throw him across the room. (i am so embarrassed to tell this).

After this i layed him back in his crib and immediately felt huuuge guilt. Ever since i have been googling stuff like;

'' Shaken baby syndrome symptoms'' 
'' Angry fathers with baby's ''
'' Losing control with baby ''

and other stuff like that. Ive been searching the web for te past 7 hours relentlessly and it has only made my OCD worse and worse. I even posted this on Facebook into a facebook group and people are telling me i need to let the baby get checked by a doctor! this makes me even go into a bigger anxious state! thes people telling me i need to have him checked must mean that i have assaulted my baby somehow! Im a monster! i need to go to jail for this!

Right now i am constantly going over last night in my head over and over and over. trying to find evidence of me shaking the baby or anything like that. im so lost right now I feel like the worst dad alive! and that while i love my son soooo much!

Im at my work right now, but i cannot concentrate. all im doing is googling and stuff.

I also told my wife about what happened and she is questioning if it was ocd or not. As i understand she really is very protective of our son, and because i kept bringing this thing up the whole time she now thinks i might be hiding something or not telling something. This of course aggravates my OCD even more. i mean the thought that my wife is questioning it means i need to question it as well right? 

I understand why she is questioning me tho. I told her last night that we better call the doctor just incase 'something' did accidentally happen to our son. But to be honest the only reason i said i wanted to contact the doctor is because i need reassurance that i did not harm our child. But this of course my wife does not understand. (she really has a hard time understanding OCD in general). So everything  i question about myself most probably due to OCD she also a lot of the times starts to question me, because she does not recognize its my OCD talking which in return makes me question my OCD / self even more!

I could really need some help here ASAP! i feel like a terrible monster!


PS: This Wednesday i have my first appointment with my new psychologist. 

PSS: My ocd is also trying to recreate things i might have said to the baby, or the way i picked him up, held him, layed him down. Because i was so tired and half asleep its hard to remember everything, which is now also causing my OCD to spike really bad. What if during that 4 - 5 hr time frame i did something terrible but i cannot remember now because of sleep deprivation, etc???





 

 

Edited January 28, 2019 by Ironborn

[humbleno1]

4 hours ago, Ironborn said:

Hello all.
 

Recently (5 weeks) ago i became a father of a healthy beautiful son. Up until now things were quite ok, but i noticed that sometimes when he cries relentlessly i feel like im starting to get angry and frustrated. i try not to let it out, but it can be really hard sometimes.

Last night i slept with my son in the room separate from my wife. She was very tired and needed to catch up some sleep. But my son just would not go to sleep, he kept crying, spitting out his pacifier, overstretching etc etc. i checked everything, his diaper, clothing, fed him etc but nothing would help. 

 

At some point i noticed i was starting to feel hopeless, frustrated and even angry!

So i began talking with a loud voice saying things like;


' I know your sad just stop it already! '

' Come on little one there is nothing to cry about! '

Or just making sounds like  ' arghhhhhh '


Of course i dont mean those things, but because of frustration it just happened. The thing is i also started to pick him up more roughly then usual. Like i lifted him up faster, i would lay him down a bit faster or harder. i even read online that shushing in the baby's ear quite loudly helps them calm down. Well i did that as well but did it like really loud! But nothing worked.

At some point i placed him back in his crib. made the bed went to lay down and he started again, i remember feeling this overwhelming sense of anger, and started to 'feel' the urge to do 'something' physical. but did not shake him or anything like that i just got this overwhelming feeling of wanting to do so, and thus made me handle him more roughly as i mentioned before. but while handling him i felt the urge to almost throw him across the room. (i am so embarrassed to tell this).

After this i layed him back in his crib and immediately felt huuuge guilt. Ever since i have been googling stuff like;

'' Shaken baby syndrome symptoms'' 
'' Angry fathers with baby's ''
'' Losing control with baby ''

and other stuff like that. Ive been searching the web for te past 7 hours relentlessly and it has only made my OCD worse and worse. I even posted this on Facebook into a facebook group and people are telling me i need to let the baby get checked by a doctor! this makes me even go into a bigger anxious state! thes people telling me i need to have him checked must mean that i have assaulted my baby somehow! Im a monster! i need to go to jail for this!

Right now i am constantly going over last night in my head over and over and over. trying to find evidence of me shaking the baby or anything like that. im so lost right now I feel like the worst dad alive! and that while i love my son soooo much!

Im at my work right now, but i cannot concentrate. all im doing is googling and stuff.

I also told my wife about what happened and she is questioning if it was ocd or not. As i understand she really is very protective of our son, and because i kept bringing this thing up the whole time she now thinks i might be hiding something or not telling something. This of course aggravates my OCD even more. i mean the thought that my wife is questioning it means i need to question it as well right? 

I understand why she is questioning me tho. I told her last night that we better call the doctor just incase 'something' did accidentally happen to our son. But to be honest the only reason i said i wanted to contact the doctor is because i need reassurance that i did not harm our child. But this of course my wife does not understand. (she really has a hard time understanding OCD in general). So everything  i question about myself most probably due to OCD she also a lot of the times starts to question me, because she does not recognize its my OCD talking which in return makes me question my OCD / self even more!

I could really need some help here ASAP! i feel like a terrible monster!


PS: This Wednesday i have my first appointment with my new psychologist. 

PSS: My ocd is also trying to recreate things i might have said to the baby, or the way i picked him up, held him, layed him down. Because i was so tired and half asleep its hard to remember everything, which is now also causing my OCD to spike really bad. What if during that 4 - 5 hr time frame i did something terrible but i cannot remember now because of sleep deprivation, etc???





 

 

I skim read alot of ur post, as im in a rush, I am a new father myself, my daughters one years old, and I know exactly what you are going through - Its normal to get anxious etc around your child even as a new father but with ocd its ten times worse, I have had very similar  ocd thoughts, my brain actually convinces me Ive done things that I havent. Its awful I wouldnt wish it on my worst enemy, jsut know that ur not alone in this fight ill come back to this thread later, and try not to feel so guilty this really isnt ur fault.

[humbleno1]

Ok so in terms of baby being checked by a doctor, i dont think thats necessary if baby is acting normal, i mean u can just ask to have the baby checked over i dont think u have done anything wrong here u just have to be careful of what u say and who u say it to because of stigma.

[Ironborn]

Anxiety and ocd is only getting worse.

Ive been doing things i know only worsen the symptoms like googling, going on social media asking for opinions.

I accidentally saw an article about euthanasia and that it is allowed to do so here in the Netherlands. this made my anxiety even worse. i now feel i have no choice but to end up applying for euthanasia because i cannot cope with me being a monster!

Edited January 29, 2019 by Ironborn

[humbleno1]

1 hour ago, Ironborn said:

Anxiety and ocd is only getting worse.

Ive been doing things i know only worsen the symptoms like googling, going on social media asking for opinions.

I accidentally saw an article about euthanasia and that it is allowed to do so here in the Netherlands. this made my anxiety even worse. i now feel i have no choice but to end up applying for euthanasia because i cannot cope with me being a monster!

i think u should try and get some meds at least temporarily that will help.

[humbleno1]

u are not a monster...u have ocd, and people dont understand trust me ive been there.

[Ironborn]

I just cannot fully remember what exactly happened. I'm afraid during the frustration and rougher picking up and carrying imught gave bounced his head to hard or something. I don't gave exact memories of it. But I feel it might just have happened. How can I figure out if it did? 

[Ironborn]

Since almost no one reacts to my message i feel even worse. makes me feel that people do think im a monster and i dont deserve to be helped.

 

[humbleno1]

2 hours ago, Ironborn said:

I just cannot fully remember what exactly happened. I'm afraid during the frustration and rougher picking up and carrying imught gave bounced his head to hard or something. I don't gave exact memories of it. But I feel it might just have happened. How can I figure out if it did? 

u cant figure it out thats the problem, okay, u are trying to remember an event that didnt happen, memory doesnt work that way this is reassurance giving but im going to give u some because u need a little, ur memory works that if something happens - U KNOW IT HAPPENED, u dont question what happened AT ALL. okay if ur son bumped his head u would know u are a caring father u may have got angry but trust me, thats normal, It doesnt mean ur a bad dad or u did something, u have a spectrum of emotions okay, if u had hurt him in anyway there would have been some semblence of guilt at KNOWING the action happened, ur problem is u have ocd - and ocd, can create false memories teh false alarm system goes off and will pick on gaps in ur memory, it can even create "episodic" memory, because not all our memories are stored (insignificant actions) for instance when i turn a lightswitch off this is not recorded in my memory because we dont log it as it is not significant, ok - u need to work on ur ocd, take comfort knowing u have ocd, and this nothing but a part of that, which is what it is. and work on the right way to deal with this.

 

its very important u dont mess with natural processors in ur head like memory u can really confuse urself, u need to let this go dont spend any more time on it and trust that if something happened u would KNOW, not THINK, KNOW.

Edited January 29, 2019 by humbleno1

[PolarBear]

4 hours ago, Ironborn said:

I just cannot fully remember what exactly happened. I'm afraid during the frustration and rougher picking up and carrying imught gave bounced his head to hard or something. I don't gave exact memories of it. But I feel it might just have happened. How can I figure out if it did? 

The problem is that you are trying to figure it out at all. It's a compulsion and it will never work.

You think you need to know the answer but you don't. You are allowed to let it go. And you won't find a final answer through compulsions.

Edited January 29, 2019 by PolarBear

[Ironborn]

8 hours ago, PolarBear said:

The problem is that you are trying to figure it out at all. It's a compulsion and it will never work.

You think you need to know the answer but you don't. You are allowed to let it go. And you won't find a final answer through compulsions.

But then how will I know if I maybe hurt him? If I'm a good dad? If I maybe have SHAKEN him!!?

Ive posted this on a parenting fb group aswell to get an answer. And some people told me I should get anger management classes! 

This only confirms my thoughts, and now I start to believe I maybe did more to him besides just being a bit 'rough' what if he has shaken baby syndrome now? 

Everytime he cries now I feel it might be because Ive caused him head injury or something. I litterly want to cry so bad, he is the thing I love the most in the world and I don't want him to be hurt, but then I was the one who got frustrated and handling him rougher then usual. I'm not sure how rough because I was half a sleep the whole time and very tired, so I don't have clear memories. But the fact that at some point I internally exploded out of frustration makes me believe that it also must have showed on the outside, and my baby was the victim of it. 

Al tough ever since his crying frequency has not changed I still believe I might have caused him some injury, I just cannot remember the actual moment that must have happened. So does this mean it did not happen? Or maybe happened multiple times and I'm just unconsciously trying to suppress the memorie because I'm a bad person. 

 

[humbleno1]

42 minutes ago, Ironborn said:

But then how will I know if I maybe hurt him? If I'm a good dad? If I maybe have SHAKEN him!!?

Ive posted this on a parenting fb group aswell to get an answer. And some people told me I should get anger management classes! 

This only confirms my thoughts, and now I start to believe I maybe did more to him besides just being a bit 'rough' what if he has shaken baby syndrome now? 

Everytime he cries now I feel it might be because Ive caused him head injury or something. I litterly want to cry so bad, he is the thing I love the most in the world and I don't want him to be hurt, but then I was the one who got frustrated and handling him rougher then usual. I'm not sure how rough because I was half a sleep the whole time and very tired, so I don't have clear memories. But the fact that at some point I internally exploded out of frustration makes me believe that it also must have showed on the outside, and my baby was the victim of it. 

Al tough ever since his crying frequency has not changed I still believe I might have caused him some injury, I just cannot remember the actual moment that must have happened. So does this mean it did not happen? Or maybe happened multiple times and I'm just unconsciously trying to suppress the memorie because I'm a bad person. 

 

What u have to remember is  u have ocd, people who dont understand ocd are going to give u advice like ur brain works correctly and it doesnt u have a misfire ontop of this, everyone gets angry, it doesnt mean ur a danger to ur child, at all. heck I used to get angry and yeh it would create intrusive thoughts, but because i get horny doesnt make me a pervert, i know so much how u feel because, ive been there myself, my ocd is very similar to urs about did i do this or did i do that?

u have to try to let it go okay, once u take anxiety out the equation u can see things clearer but unfortunately u have to be prepared for POSSIBILITIES of ocd thoughts its the only way u get over ur fear, in time u will understand ur baby is fine, and u didnt do anything.

[Ironborn]

4 hours ago, humbleno1 said:

What u have to remember is  u have ocd, people who dont understand ocd are going to give u advice like ur brain works correctly and it doesnt u have a misfire ontop of this, everyone gets angry, it doesnt mean ur a danger to ur child, at all. heck I used to get angry and yeh it would create intrusive thoughts, but because i get horny doesnt make me a pervert, i know so much how u feel because, ive been there myself, my ocd is very similar to urs about did i do this or did i do that?

u have to try to let it go okay, once u take anxiety out the equation u can see things clearer but unfortunately u have to be prepared for POSSIBILITIES of ocd thoughts its the only way u get over ur fear, in time u will understand ur baby is fine, and u didnt do anything.

I know i have ocd indeed. Its just hard not to feel the responsibilities and guilt im feeling and not try and do anything about it.

Like today. My wife went to a baby physiotherapist because a baby consultancy were guessing that maybe he had something going on with his back due to the labor. It may have caused strain on his back. The baby physiotherapist today concluded that indeed he had some blockages in his back and adjusted it for him. our son immediately became a lot more calm. He needs 3 more appointments or so to get it fully fixed.

i was happy to hear they figured something out an that the baby felt a lot better after this. But i also even feel more guilty for having acted more rough with him, while he seemingly had been bothered by his back. So although im happy on one side, the other side caused me to feel even worse now.

[PolarBear]

Listen, no matter how much you think about this or ask for answers on Facebook, you will NOT come up with a suitable, final answer. OCD won't let you.

So why do it?

[Caramoole]

On 28/01/2019 at 09:29, Ironborn said:

I also told my wife about what happened and she is questioning if it was ocd or not

The feelings, the frustration, the anger, the irritation etc etc are the same feelings every tired, new Dad/Mum gets when they have a screaming baby that they just cannot settle.  You're not a Saint, just normal.  What came after is the OCD.

You have a choice now, that is to carry on with trying to resolve this by using compulsions (which won't work) or recognise you feel driven because of OCD and work hard at resisting carrying out compulsions as a method of dealing with this.  It may be very uncomfortable and anxiety-provoking but you can resist doing compulsions.  Start right now to work on resisting when the urge strikes.  

[humbleno1]

On 31/01/2019 at 17:15, Caramoole said:

The feelings, the frustration, the anger, the irritation etc etc are the same feelings every tired, new Dad/Mum gets when they have a screaming baby that they just cannot settle.  You're not a Saint, just normal.  What came after is the OCD.

You have a choice now, that is to carry on with trying to resolve this by using compulsions (which won't work) or recognise you feel driven because of OCD and work hard at resisting carrying out compulsions as a method of dealing with this.  It may be very uncomfortable and anxiety-provoking but you can resist doing compulsions.  Start right now to work on resisting when the urge strikes.  

that was some excellent advice, love hearing stuff like this.