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I lost my best friend


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I am very isolated with my ME, and having a friend for love and support, meant that I was able to cope. I really thought we would be friends forever, we had a really special connection. (We were internet friends).

Because of my ME, I need to take breaks from the internet from time to time, and sadly I have been away a lot of the time, but I always come back, and he has been so nice and supportive and understanding. So also when I came back after a longer break last year. But right after i wrote that mail, I was going away somewhere without internet and I couldn`t stay in touch with him while I was there. I informed him about this before I left. That lasted for a month, and when I got home, I was exhausted, got a migraine and couldn`t be on the internet for another while. Then more things happened to make my life unbearable, and although I really needed a friend, I was not able to reach out. This has a lot to do with my OCD, if not all. The fact that I suffered in silence, felt completely alone in the world, and it got worse and worse, and I was too scared to talk to my friend ... Because of OCD. The only thing that kept me going was the thought that I would soon speak to him again.

When I finally got back into my email, several months later, there was an email from him from months back, where he begged me to come back, he said he needed me more than ever, as he was really not in a good place.

Of course I was crushed to see that he was having such a bad time and I failed to be there for him yet again. And for such stupid reasons, that I should have overcome a long time ago, so mad at myself for giving in to the OCD. I just never imagined it would mean losing my friend. I wanted to be there for him more than anything, I love him so much, and he means the world to me. I was just so stuck and paralysed with anxiety, and I had no idea he needed me.

Thing is, he also said he wouldn`t wait for me forever, he has never said anything like that before. And I have written him several emails, where I have apologised prefusely, and tried to explain. I never imagined he would give up on me, we have talked about that before, and he has assured me, and things have just always been so good between us, it was unthinkable to me to lose that connection, and I thought he felt the same way.

But the worst part is that I really worry about his well-being. That is I am almost certain he is not well at all. After that mail, and finding his social media accounts gone, especially the one he used every day to keep in touch with people, I really worry he is not alive. I`m so crushed I can`t even describe it in words. And to think I could have been there and made a difference, made him feel less alone, and prevented the worst from happening. I don`t know how to keep living without him and I don`t know how to live with myself knowing it`s all my fault.

Edited by Alyssa
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Hi Alyssa, I am so sorry to hear about the difficult time you are going through. (Apologies though, i'm not sure what you mean by "ME", but regardless it sounds like things have been tough).
 

On 01/02/2019 at 17:38, Alyssa said:

I don`t know how to live with myself knowing it`s all my fault.

I know this will be hard to accept, especially with OCD doing its worst, but really, truly it is NOT your fault.  Unfortunately we are not always in a place where we are able to help others as much as we wish we could.  You didn't know your friend was in distress for one thing.  Even if you had known and had been able to reach out there is no guarantee you could have prevented whatever outcome occurred.  All we can do in life is try our best.  It sounds like you are the kind of person who would have helped had you known and had  you been able to, and that is what is important to remember about yourself.

It is unfortunate to lose a friend, especially a close one.  Hopefully at some point i the future you might get in touch with your friend again.  While it is understandable, especially in light of OCD, to assume the worse, that does not mean the worst case is the only possible situation. It may be that your friend simply felt that his current social media connections were not healthy for him.  I have had more than one real life friend who have decided to remove themselves all or partly from social media for their own mental well being.  While it can mean losing connections with some people, overall it is the right decision for them.  Unfortunately it sounds like you won't know the truth, at least for the time being, about your friends situation and that is very very sad, and difficult for you.  You have every right to morn that loss, whatever kind of loss it is.  You have every right to feel the pain and sadness of losing a connection with someone you care about, for whatever reason.  Give yourself time and permission to mourn that loss.  However it is not the end of the world either.  Keep in mind that all human lives, every one of ours, are a collection of meetings and partings.  Try not to let the partings overwhelm the joys and rewards of the times in between.

It is important that you do what you can to care for yourself, if you are unwell it will be hard to help anyone else.  Sometime we have to set our own comfort and needs aside to help others, true, but sometimes we have to take care of ourselves as well.  I hope in time that you will be able to get in touch with your old friend again, but there is always the possibilities of new friends and new friendships.  You can take what you learn from the past and use it going forward to be the best person you can be.  Hang in there and keep up the good fight against OCD, it can be particularly difficult during times of loss, but you are not alone in your struggle.

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Guest OCDhavenobrain

There are not much we can do about other peoples decision, I mean if they cut you off they do. If I was you I would be 100% focused on overcomming OCD, having ME and life in general is stressful enough, get rid of OCD and you will be in a better place.

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