I'm still thinking about it

[Headwreck]

Hi all. Hope everyone is okay. It's been a little while since I was last here as forced myself to take a break.

I have been on medication for four months now I believe. As a whole, feel better within myself. But I'm still constantly worrying and thinking. And I'm still thinking about the night out every day. When I don't think about it, I then think 'wow I didn't think about it for X amount of time' and then start questioning 'does this mean I'm forgetting?', 'does this mean it didn't happen?' 'did I always know, did I never know?' etc. and I'm not sure how to stop this? I don't talk about it to people anymore etc but this process is something I really can't shake and not sure how I can.

Also noticed that I worry about one thing, then something else will take over within a few hours/days and the first thing won't bother me, then the next day it will be something new again, or it will be something I have worried about previously. I'm constantly cycling different worries for different lengths of time. Is this more of  a GAD thing? I often wonder what is a real worry and what isn't. It's so confusing

 

[PolarBear]

Hey, Headwreck. When you get the questions, 'does this mean I'm forgetting?', 'does this mean it didn't happen?' 'did I always know, did I never know?', treat them as intrusive thoughts. The questions are not a problem. It's you reacting to the questions, trying to answer them, that is a compulsion and is a problem.

[taurean]

This is spot on advice Headwreck. 

The disorder wants attention - because that locks us further into its stranglehold upon us. 

So these intrusions, trying to drag you back IN, are to be expected. 

Here is where you extend your cognitive knowledge of the disorder. And leave those thoughts be. Don't respond, don't give meaning to them. 

See them as OCD and then refocus and get on with your day. 

This is vital. It's only when the underlying core belief, resultant intrusions, and intended connections don't get attention that you will start to regain control. 

Listen to WE not the OCD

 

[Headwreck]

Thanks PB and Taurean. You're both right. I will keep trying. it's just difficult as I feel guilty about acting normal and living my life.

I have a lot of massive life changes going on right now and my partner has had some awful news so I have to be supportive of him. Feel like I'm not strong enough to cope with those as well as this. It is very exhausting.

Edited February 9, 2019 by Headwreck

[taurean]

You can rise to the occasion and cope Headwreck. 

Try and keep those separate pressures in separate mental boxes - so they are not all hitting you at once. Just open one box at a time to address the issue within. Imagine those boxes, and the lids closed until YOU want to open one. 

This "imagineering" is a really powerful tool for reducing and managing pressure. 

Doing that should ease down the stress, and stress worsens OCD. 

And remember, we are all stronger than we think. 

Edited February 9, 2019 by taurean

[Headwreck]

Thank you Taurean, I have been trying this over the past few days. It has helped somewhat so will continue to try this method.

Feel like my life is completely upside down at the moment. I start the very long process of training for my dream career in the next few weeks which has been a lot of hard work but I can't get excited. I'm concerned that I will be bullied and an outcast. Or that I will make a massive mistake which will get me sacked and someone else hurt. I have also just bought my first car which is a big deal for me as I am quite fearful about driving. Things just seem to be piling up and don't know how to deal with it, it's as though I'm scared and worry about literally everything.

Today I received a call back from a company regarding a complaint I made. I said I wasn't told something on a call because I really don't remember it being said, they listened back to the call and confirmed that I was told but I have no recollection of this. So straight away, instead of concentrating on the call, my mind starts saying "if you remembered that incorrectly, then what if you forgot or wrongly remember that night?". I'm desperate to talk to my partner about it and say maybe I kissed someone as I wanted to on that night because I thought he had cheated on me. But he is going through an extremely tough time, I can't add this to him as well as it is completely selfish and absolutely not fair on him.

Don't know if anyone else can relate to this but this whole thing doesn't feel real? It feels like an extension of my life. Does this make sense to anyone?

It doesn't look as though this is ever going to go away.

Edited February 14, 2019 by Headwreck

[dksea]

48 minutes ago, Headwreck said:

I start the very long process of training for my dream career in the next few weeks which has been a lot of hard work but I can't get excited. I'm concerned that I will be bullied and an outcast. Or that I will make a massive mistake which will get me sacked and someone else hurt.

Its normal to feel some anxiety and worry when starting something new, but remember that OCD leads us to focus too much on the negatives and worst case scenarios.  What if you aren't bullied? What if you make some good friends?  What if you do a great job and help people?
 

51 minutes ago, Headwreck said:

Things just seem to be piling up and don't know how to deal with it, it's as though I'm scared and worry about literally everything.

Our lives can definitely feel like that sometimes huh?  Remember its ok to feel frustrated or stressed sometimes.  With disorders like OCD we tend to go overboard trying to dismiss all negative emotions from our lives, which is understandable, but forget that sometimes these things are just part of life.  We all get sick, we all have bad days, we all feel overwhelmed at one time or another.  But you can also look at what you've accomplished!  You are starting to train for a career you are passionate about, you've bought a car! You are moving forward with your life despite the challenges OCD has given you.  
 

55 minutes ago, Headwreck said:

So straight away, instead of concentrating on the call, my mind starts saying "if you remembered that incorrectly, then what if you forgot or wrongly remember that night?".

Remember (heh) just about no one has a perfect memory.  Human beings aren't perfect, and neither is our memory.  You missed hearing something during a phone call, it happens.  Heck, back in the day before texting and smart phones when i was, sigh, much younger, I fell asleep talking on the phone with my girlfriend!  Talk about embarassing  Anyway, the point is, no matter how hard you try you'd never be able to remember what you were doing at every moment in your life, if you tried doing that you'd spend the rest of your life just reliving your memories and never make new ones anyway.  The very best thing  you can do for yourself is to give yourself permission to move on, to accept that its just not possible to remember everything, that its totally reasonable not to spend the rest of your life trying to, no one expects you to do that anyway, and when OCD tries to drag you back down that hole to say thanks, but no thanks, i know thats an intrusive thought and i'm not going to play that game anymore.

[Angst]

Hi Headwreck.  There is a concept called ‘overgeneralisation’ where you generalise from one situation to another and another and another. The key part of the word is ‘over’. You go overboard. You generalise to ridiculous lengths. Look up the word.

So you generalise from what   somebody said that you said in a phone call (which you have no memory of saying) to what you did one night.

It took a lot of painful work to recognise that this ‘cognitive bias’ is something that I can fall into. It is very common in depression and anxiety.

It forms part of my checklist of thinking biases that I am prone to. Along with catastrophising amongst others.