Back to feeling confused again

[don't know]

Well, I had nearly a whole week where this wasn't on my mind. I could see the difference. Anyway, I'm back to all this now and I'm still as confused as ever. Also, the fact that I went nearly a week without doing anything makes me think that I faked OCD. I'm not sure and I'm confused as. 

[PolarBear]

If you can do it for a week, you can do it for two weeks. Forget about faking OCD. Forget about trying to figure it out. Whatever you did for the past week, do it again.

[don't know]

It shouldn't feel that easy though. I don't know, especially seeing others on this forums I'm just a fraud. 

[malina]

15 minutes ago, don't know said:

It shouldn't feel that easy though. I don't know, especially seeing others on this forums I'm just a fraud. 

Hi DK, first off well done for going a week without thinking about this stuff! You have to stop comparing yourself to other people, your version of OCD isn't going to be exactly the same as someone else's. How do you explain that the content of all our fears is so different? If we all had to be the same to have OCD, we would all be having the exact same fears.  

So how did you get yourself feeling ok this week? How do you think you can do it again?

[don't know]

Dealing with heartbreak. I was distracted by that - but at least I could tell that was real compared to this other stuff. I don't know. I've ended up just getting lost in everything again. i did the worst thing by going onto these websites and I've just confused myself again. 

 

Edited February 6, 2019 by don't know

[PolarBear]

53 minutes ago, don't know said:

It shouldn't feel that easy though. I don't know, especially seeing others on this forums I'm just a fraud. 

Slamming yourself at every opportunity does you no good. It's time to step off that sad bandwagon.

You won't accept you have OCD, as if that's not bad enough yo explain your situation. You won't accept that what we've told you does work. Where does this come from? Why do you think so badly about yourself?

Edited February 6, 2019 by PolarBear

[PolarBear]

19 minutes ago, don't know said:

Dealing with heartbreak. I was distracted by that - but at least I could tell that was real compared to this other stuff. I don't know. I've ended up just getting lost in everything again. i did the worst thing by going onto these websites and I've just confused myself again. 

 

We told you, must be dozens of times, not to go those websites. You did and now you feel terrible. Do you get it now?

[don't know]

I get it but at the same time it's just putting it out of your mind and not dealing with it. I don't want to wake up one day and think wow I ended up being in denial and pretending it was OCD. I feel like I need to explore everything to make sure. 

[don't know]

I guess I just don't believe that it is OCD. I guess I just think the worst inevitably happens to me, which is annoying and pathetic to say (I'm literally embarrassed to write that out) but that is genuinely how I feel. 

[PolarBear]

2 minutes ago, don't know said:

I get it but at the same time it's just putting it out of your mind and not dealing with it. I don't want to wake up one day and think wow I ended up being in denial and pretending it was OCD. I feel like I need to explore everything to make sure. 

You've been doing that for months and months. Where has that gotten you? Nowhere! And you won't get anywhere in five years either.

[PolarBear]

1 minute ago, don't know said:

I guess I just don't believe that it is OCD. I guess I just think the worst inevitably happens to me, which is annoying and pathetic to say (I'm literally embarrassed to write that out) but that is genuinely how I feel. 

You should talk to a therapist about that.

That is a core belief. It's a negative belief that you hold onto and compare situations to.

[don't know]

It scares me but maybe it's true. 

[malina]

I think what you're doing is catastrophising (sp?). What if the "worst" does turn out to be true? Do you have to spend your entire life worrying about it? Why not enjoy your life now and deal with the worst if it happens?

[don't know]

it would because I don't want to do these things. 

[PolarBear]

4 minutes ago, don't know said:

it would because I don't want to do these things. 

Listen to yourself... i don't want to do these things...

Just like ALL people with OCD. We get upset about the thoughts because they don't describe who we are.

Edited February 6, 2019 by PolarBear

[malina]

17 minutes ago, PolarBear said:

Listen to yourself... i don't want to do these things...

Just like ALL people with OCD. We get upset about the thoughts because they don't describe who we are.

And it's really quite simple, if you don't want to do these things, simply don't do them. Nobody is going to force you.

[dksea]

3 hours ago, don't know said:

Also, the fact that I went nearly a week without doing anything makes me think that I faked OCD.

I appreciate that that is how you feel, but its simply not accurate.  OCD can and does go through peaks and valleys for many sufferers, especially when you are distracted by something significant.  It makes now more sense to conclude you don't have OCD because you don't feel it 24/7/365 than it would be for me to conclude I don't have asthma because I am not constantly struggling to breathe or someone doesn't have epilepsy because they aren't constantly having seizures.  You need to make the choice to accept that this is OCD and stop looking for (inaccurate) reasons to believe its not.    You deserve to get better, but you have to commit to getting better for that to happen.

 

1 hour ago, don't know said:

It shouldn't feel that easy though. I don't know, especially seeing others on this forums I'm just a fraud. 

OCD is not a competition to see who has it the worst.  Whether or not someone else is seemingly struggling more at this moment with OCD doesn't change whether you have it too, its completely unrelated.  If the criteria for OCD was "am i struggling as much as everyone else" there would be, at most one person in the world who could claim to have OCD, whoever it was who was in the absolute worse possible situation.  Now that doesn't make a lick of sense does it?  You have OCD because your symptoms match the condition, unwanted, intrusive thoughts that cause you anxiety (obsessions) and repetitive behaviors to try and resolve the uncertainty and anxiety you feel from those thoughts (compulsions) to such a degree that it disrupts your life (disorder).  Its not about anyone else but you and how this affects you.
 

1 hour ago, don't know said:

i did the worst thing by going onto these websites and I've just confused myself again. 

I'm sorry that you are feeling the way you are, but I am glad that you at least recognize that your compulsion to visit these websites is a bad idea that only causes problems.  Thats an important first step.  The next step is to stop visiting them

 

1 hour ago, don't know said:

I don't want to wake up one day and think wow I ended up being in denial and pretending it was OCD.

And what if you wake up one day and realize its all just OCD and that you've been in denial about that and ended up wasting years of your life when you could have been getting help and enjoying yourself?  Wouldn't that be a terrible realization too?  That you suffered needlessly?
 

1 hour ago, don't know said:

I feel like I need to explore everything to make sure. 

Yes, you feel this way, its how OCD works.  I mean its EXACTLY what OCD sufferers feel, its a feeling that I've had, that PB has had, that every single one of us has had.  You FEEL like you need to explore everything to make sure.  But you don't.

For one thing, its impossible.  Literally impossible.  There is no possible way you could explore every single possibility.  You could explore every site, take every test, examine every possible scenario in your head (well you couldn't you'd run out of time, but lets say you did all that) go to sleep at the end of (an astronomically long day) and during your sleep a random cosmic ray could pass through your brain, flip the wrong neuron and bam, you become whatever it is you fear worst.  You might think that example is ridiculous, that such an event would never actually happen, but so what? Its POSSIBLE right?  It ridiculously ridiculously unlikely, but it is theoretically a thing that could happen.

Point being, exploring everything to "make sure" is a fools errand that OCD makes us THINK we need to do, but we actually don't.  An alcoholic thinks they need a drink, a smoker thinks they need a cigarette, and OCD sufferer thinks they need to be absolutely sure.  The feeling is strong, but its not true.  
 

Quote

"But this is serious!  If its true then it would be awful! I couldn't live with myself if it was true! This is DIFFERENT from other peoples worries"

This is probably what your reaction will be to what I said above.  I say probably because its basically what we hear from OCD sufferers all the time on this forum.  First thing, its not different, its typical.  Second, lets apply that logic to all the things in your life.  What if you are in denial about being a serial killer and you'll soon go on a killing spree?  Shouldn't you do everything you can to stop that?  What if you are in denial about being a terrorist sympathizer and you will soon go join ISIS?  Shouldn't you do everything you can now to stop that?  What if you might have cancer?  Shouldn't you go get every test done possible, over and over to prevent that?  Oh, you don't worry about those things?  Why not?  Aren't those bad things that could happen too?  Aren't there, in fact an endless parade of potential bad outcomes that you could be worried about?  There are!  BUT, if you spent all your time worried about them, you'd waste your life and what if it turns out none of them are true?  You wasted your life, for all we know the only one you have, based purely on fear!
 

Quote

"But I didn't have thoughts about that, I had thoughts about this!  That must mean its true! If it wasn't true I wouldn't have thoughts about it!"

This is usually the next thing people respond with, the idea that having the thought means it must mean something.  Again, a totally normal response from an OCD sufferer and totally garbage.  We have thoughts all the time and the vast majority of them are meaningless!  If I have the thought i'm the greatest football player in history, that doesn't mean I'm better than Ronaldo or David Beckham.  If I have the thought I might have a heart attack next Thursday it doesn't mean thats more likely to happen.  If I have the thought that I want to punch my boss in the face for giving me a last minute assignment that ruins my holiday plans it doesn't mean I'm destined to actually punch my boss (for the record i've never had a boss do that, thank goodness!).  A thought is just a thought.  We can think about literally anything.  All those movies and books and tv shows and video games where bad scenarios happen?  Someone had to have thoughts about that!  They had to think about people fighting and dying.  But it didn't mean they turned in to serial killers themselves.  Someone had to have the thought about a man who could fly and be super strong and shoot beams from his eyes but so far as I'm aware Superman doesn't actually exist.  Thoughts are thoughts, we have them for a myriad of reasons and having the thought does not make the outcome happen.  It does not mean the thing we fear is true or more likely to be true.

 

49 minutes ago, don't know said:

it would because I don't want to do these things. 

Ok, there you go, thats all you need to do.  You've DECIDED this is not who you are and not what you want to do.  Thats enough.  You can stop trying to "solve" it.  You can stop analyzing it do death.  You can stop visiting websites and checking every possibility.  You had a thought, you know its not what you want, thats enough.  Time to give yourself permission to move on.  Time to accept that these thoughts are garbage and start treating them as meaningless noise instead of fearing it like OCD wants you to.  Time to start working on learning how to handle OCD so thoughts like these don't cripple you and prevent you from living a normal life.

 

[don't know]

Okay, so I was going about my day and I'm sure these aren't intrusive thoughts anymore. In terms of sexual thoughts can they start of as such and then morph into the real thing? It's ridiculous now. I'm doubting my feelings all the time thinking if I don't feel too upset about something or am I really feeling this or am I trying to hard? It's difficult. 

[PolarBear]

The answer is no. 

[dksea]

10 hours ago, don't know said:

It's ridiculous now. I'm doubting my feelings all the time thinking if I don't feel too upset about something

A common logical fallacy that many OCD sufferers engage in.  The mere fact of checking and testing your reaction alters your response, alters how you feel.  Kind of like how you behave differently when you know someone is watching you than you do on your own. 
Aside from that, there is a second logical flaw in your thinking: That in order not to be/feel a certain thing you have to have a specific reaction, usually an extreme negative one.  Again, simply not true.  I can gaurentee you that I would be devastated if my family (parents, brothers and sisters, niece and nephew, etc.) were murdered.  But having that thought right now as I type it out, thinking about that scenario doesn't cause me to crumble in to a ball on the floor and break in to tears (which is what I would probably do if it happened in real life).  Why?  Because i know its just a thought. I know that just sitting here thinking it is not the same thing as it actually happening.  My reaction is different because the situation is different.  Sure if I spent time imagining it deeply, creating a detailed scenario in my head i'd probably feel worse about it, its certainly not a pleasant experience to consider it, but again I know its just a thought I happen to be having at the moment.  It doesn't MEAN anything.

Meanwhile if I were to CONSTANTLY think about it, i'd probably react differently each time based on other factors.  How tired am I?  Have i talked to my family recently?  Am I hungry?  Am I stressed? Am I angry? Am I upset for some other reason?  Humans are complex.  Our feelings are complex.  Using them as simple yes/no tests is seldom an accurate appraisal when it comes to complex, complicated situations ESPECIALLY when coupled with complicating factors like OCD.

You can debate this endlessly.  We can explain to you why its OCD and you can come up with a million "what ifs" to try and come up with a possible reason why its not.  Or any other scenario really, it doesn't have to be whether or not you have OCD.  It could be whether or not you are a woman.  Whether or not you live where you say you live.  Whether or not you are real or a computer simulation or a dream.  Its literally impossible to exhaust all scenarios, check every possibility and come to an absolute 100% solution.  Until you accept that something can be true even when you have some doubt, accept that you can treat that as OCD without being 100% sure it is OCD, you will remain stuck.  You have to CHOOSE to treat this as OCD, even with the doubts.  The alternative is to continue to suffer and almost certainly for that suffering to get worse.  You don't deserve that.  You deserve to get better.  Why not try?

[don't know]

Yeah, I'm just so confused. It keeps changing. I'm shaking because I'm just so unsure of everything. 

[Guest OCDhavenobrain]

You are talking with yourself

[helen10937]

.

Edited February 9, 2019 by helen10937

[malina]

16 hours ago, don't know said:

Yeah, I'm just so confused. It keeps changing. I'm shaking because I'm just so unsure of everything. 

DK, if you're feeling like this why not go to your GP and ask for a referral for mental health services?