I’ve finally figured it out

[HadenoughofOCD]

Hi,

I am brand new to the forums and have suffered with what I thought was generalised anxiety for a number of years. It was diagnosed as such given the relatively unconnected nature of my worries. However after suffering for so many years and nothing seeming to get better despite 3 different therapists and 2 types of medication, it recently came to me after endless research that what I actually have is OCD. 

You see, my worries, although very obsessive in nature didn’t have any common thread that was easily identifiable. Until I started researching hyper-responsibility, hyper-morality, phobia of mistake making etc, and it was like a light switched on in my head. It seems my obsessions all stem from making a mistake and the consequences of that mistake. I have had numerous “themes” that get triggered on and off almost on a cycle and I genuinely felt like I was going insane. I knew I had maladaptive perfectionism, but it was like there was no rhyme or reason for my terrifying fears. 

 

Some examples include: 

- fear of somehow having committed a crime in the past that I can’t remember and then being sent to prison for it

- obsesssions about health (though not a fear that I was going to die, but that the things I could have wrong with me were my fault. Things I worried about having were the usual illnesses for health anxiety which I won’t list here in case it triggers anyone),

- and my most recent obsession is getting sued. (See, when my obsessions were fixed on other things, I was well enough to start up on my own. However now, the obsessions have attacked my work and I am terrified of every move I make in case I make a mistake) 

These are just what I call my big themes. I also suffer everyday with what I call my “usuals” - checking the stove (while turning each knob and counting to 6), checking the locks on the doors (while counting to 6 & mentally repeating the name of a memorable object in the room) and taking photos of electrical appliances after repeating “off, unplugged, safe” for each item. Of course, if I don’t do these things correctly or feel like I was paying enough attention while doing them, I have to do them all again. 

It may sound stupid but I don’t mind my “usuals” as the compulsions I have created completely remove the anxiety, and although they take up a lot of my time, I am just happy I am not in a state of panic. As before I found the right compulsions, thoughts of me leaving an appliance on, not locking the door etc & being responsible for some terrible outcome, completely derailed me. 

My big themes are my big problem as the compulsions are largely mental with an aspect of physical checking (such as googling) and it leads me to be in a state of mental paralysis for hours on end, just going over everything. Checking what was said / done and what wasn’t, going over past memories etc. And I can literally be mentally frozen for an entire day just trying to “sort out” the fear. This largely doesn’t work, and even if I get relief for a couple of hours, another related thought will pop into my head about an angle I may have missed, or another action that could still cause the undesired outcome. 

So all that’s to say, I am completely miserable. I have an appointment with a counsellor next week to see if they can help with CBT & ERP, but in between now and then, I am struggling to cope. Does anybody have any advice? 

 

[PolarBear]

Don't discount those little things you do, like counting to six when you shut things off. Those are keeping you in an OCD mindset.

When you start ERP, you usually start wirh the small things, overcoming them and moving on to the more troubling themes.

[HadenoughofOCD]

Hi PolarBear, 

thanks so much for replying. So, as those “usual” compulsions aren’t currently causing me the most anxiety, I think I could probably try and tackle one with ERP. Do you think I should wait for my counsellor or as it’s so small, I could do it myself at home while I’m waiting? I just don’t want to make a mistake (surprise surprise!) 

[PolarBear]

You aren't going to harm anything by practicing not doing compulsions. That's really the whole point of therapy for OCD.

[leif]

Hi Hadenoughofocd (love your user name!)

Sorry to hear you're struggling so much--excellent that you are ready to get to work on this stuff!

Do you have a self-help book for working with OCD through cbt/erp methods? That is where I would recommend beginning while waiting to see a counsellor and even while seeing a counsellor. I used an excellent book that was a 10 step approach. it really helped me to understand how ocd works and how to tackle getting better.

 

[HadenoughofOCD]

So if I were to start with electrical appliances, how will I know what’s a normal amount of checking and what spills over into a Compulsion? So I will try to stop taking photos and repeating the phrase, but what shall I do then? Do I just unplug the appliance and ignore any urges to go back and check again? I’ve just ordered a book on overcoming OCD to try and give me a bit of guidance as although I have read lots on the topic and the type of treatment needed, I haven’t looked much into the actual process of ERP. Sorry for all the questions :-/ 

[HadenoughofOCD]

Leif, thanks so much for your reply. I have a book on overcoming ocd that will hopefully come tomorrow so that I can really try to get to work tackling at least something before I see my counsellor. Could you tell me the book you used? A step by step approach sounds perfect for me! 

[leif]

My book was called "Getting Over OCD--a 10 step workbook for taking back your life" by Jonathan Abramowitz

it's great how eager you are to get down to work...I would maybe wait until I had the book before beginning any real process of erp. However if you feel you can stop taking pictures when doing your checking routine without too much stress, that seems like it might be a good place to begin. maybe start there and then when your book comes in and you start to see your counsellor you can get more of the idea of the process of how to begin building hierarchies to approach the compulsions little by little with the help of some good cognitive therapy. Don't rush things too much--think of it as a marathon rather than a sprint and be ready to pace yourself  

What book did you order? I hope you will keep us all updated as to your progress!

 

[PolarBear]

Ultimately, no compulsions has to be the goal.

[HadenoughofOCD]

I ordered Overcoming OCD by David Veale and Rob Willson as I had heard good things about it, but I guess you can only really know how good it is for you until after you’ve read it! 

 

Thats great advice Leif, thank you I will definitely keep updating! 

[HadenoughofOCD]

10 minutes ago, PolarBear said:

Ultimately, no compulsions has to be the goal.

This is where I find myself in a tizzy as I start overthinking whether a response is “normal” or is just a new compulsion. It’s maddening! 

[Caramoole]

6 hours ago, HadenoughofOCD said:

So if I were to start with electrical appliances, how will I know what’s a normal amount of checking and what spills over into a Compulsion?

My Husband is an Electrician and in our house no appliance is checked or switched off at all.  I think the only thing I's consider turning off (and I don't) are phone chargers.  It's not normal or necessary to check or switch off